Jerry Timms

I’m doing laundry now getting ready for a 5 day trip to Denver. The catalyst for the trip is a sales meeting on Wednesday with a company client, but I’m staying extra time to hang out with my married friends Bernie and Marley. We had a great time last time I was there, even if I was a little down during the trip. Phoebe had just died two weeks earlier and Bernie offered for me to stay at their place for awhile so I could get out of town - they just lost their dog to illness, too, and we told stories to each other and grieved a little bit together.

I went out to dinner with Mr. X tonight. Still think he’s a great guy, and if nothing else we will be friends. Most of my active readers are straight so I will explain this again - with gay guys, there are fine lines between friends, friends with ongoing sexual tension, and actual dating. I think tonight was in the middle there. Dates can hardly ever be defined as such, as we are all just exploring companions to discover where things will eventually go. Straight people hardly ever get the chance to be so casual - and if they are casual, it’s usually a sure sign things are going absolutely nowhere - not so with us.

One thing I can say for sure, is that I do enjoy meeting new people. It’s interesting to have to self-evaluate in order to explain where you are at with your life, what you enjoy doing, how you feel about political issues, how you like where you live, etc. Perhaps even more interesting is when your new acquaintance makes some open observations about you that shine a light on parts of your personality you never really think about.

He said I was pensive. I thought about that for a moment, and thought yes! I’ve never heard a single word that has described me so accurately and completely. Here’s a good definition:

adj 1: persistently or morbidly thoughtful [syn: brooding, broody, contemplative, meditative, musing, pondering, reflective, ruminative]

Is that a good thing? Maybe not, it depends on your perspective, but it is accurate nonetheless. How interesting that someone who hardly knows me is able to make such a good evaluation of my personality. Dinner was good.

Well I went out with Mr. X tonight. Did it go well? I’m not sure! Ok, no.

I thought it would be ironic/interesting to initiate a meeting through text message. To those who I haven’t told this story to yet…my last relationship was 2.5 years. After the breakup, I realized that everyone was using text messages like crazy. Everyone who I gave my phone number to would text rather than call…I felt really out of the loop! Anyway, I gradually got into the text message thing and now I love it.

So, after a string of text messages we decided to meet at Postino for some drinks. Let me tell you, he is not in the same stage of life as I am. He’s only been single for 3 months, and only been out for a year. He’s got some gay living to do…still think he’s hot though.

So, after Postino (they close at 11, wtf?) we went to BS for the rehab party. Had a drink, and then decided to go to Amsterdam due to the heavy concentration of drag entertainment at BS. At Amsterdam (a long drive mind you, with him following me) Mr. X saw 3 of his friends there and they came into the fold. Social connections mixed, and one of his friends started hitting on me big time (he was really hot as well). Mr. X didn’t seem to mind/care, and things progressed for a couple drinks with a really fun group conversation about a gym they all go to.

At about 2, everyone wanted to go to Charlies for after-hours dancing. I kinda wanted to as well, but it felt awkward thinking that Mr. X might have thought of the night as a friendly meeting, and that his friend was really interested in me. To be honest, I was reminded of two of the biggest gay problems - dates are disappointingly casual, and boundaries are seldom respected. As I was getting ready to drive away, the friend knocked on my window, and wanted to give me his number. I accepted and called his number so I could store it. I later got a text message when I got home.

On a different topic, I thought I’d share that I met someone last night that I want to ask out. Except here’s the deal…I’m prety sure it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve asked someone out without knowing them for awhile first. My last 3 relationships didn’t really start with a date, they started in other ways. And maybe I’m just a little too used to being the one who is asked…

So here I am all nervous feeling like a teenager, ha. In fact, I woke up this morning still thinking about him (as opposed to the usual regret for giving out my phone number while intoxicated). As I was trying to figure out an excuse for calling or emailing him (got his card), he called! Except that I had a work meeting and I had to call him back. When I did, I wasn’t sure of his intentions - it could have been a friendly call from someone who wants more friends, or it could have been a probing call to gauge my interest. The cues were confusing. Either way he’s hot and I’m pretty sure it was a probe, so I think I’ll call back tomorrow or this weekend and get something set up.

Welcome to my analysis of the New Jersey decision. If you’re not up to speed, read this first:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/10/25/gay.marriage/index.html

Great news. I’ve been involved with Lambda Legal since Lawrence v. Texas, and I’m proud of the tremendous job they’ve done on this case (especially after the disappointing NY decision). The fact that the decision was unanimous for for at least civil unions is quite a milestone. Three justices favored absolute marriage equality. In 180 days gay partners will at least have all of the practical rights they sought at the state level (remember that many rights are still controlled by federal interests, and their unions will not likely be recognized by the federal government).

Now for the bad news. There are two things I’m concerned about:

1. This is really, really bad timing. We are less than 2 weeks away from the election, and republicans are not looking so hot. As I speak, they are furiously issuing press releases reiterating their support for the FMA, and calling up their most conservative base to donate extra money toward this goal. This decision freaks a lot of people out, and it makes it likely that many more conservatives will show up to the polls to vote for their candidate - and in Arizona, to vote for Prop 107.

2. Separate but equal. The decision opens the likely possibility that the legislature will set up a civil union or domestic partnership scheme that gives equal rights to gay partners without actually calling it marriage. This was not an acceptable option when we had “colored” drinking fountains, and it’s not acceptable in this case either. Will the same number of staff be available to administer the domestic partnership program, will the same body of law be developed to support civil and family court cases (child custody, child welfare, divorce, etc.), will all instances of “marriage” be replaced or replicated in state statutory law, will the “certificate” look the same, will employers be instructed to treat these relationships the same as marriage, etc. - the list goes on. Separate but equal..is never equal by definition - it is still separate; different.

If all the concerns mentioned above were adequately addressed, then why not just call it marriage and be done with it? Why create a separate definition (or term actually) but have it be otherwise the same as marriage? The obvious answer here is that the justices did not want to piss people off and cause a backlash. Let’s explore that idea.

Have major civil rights decisions ever been popular? Brown v. Board of Education was hugely unpopular in some parts of the south - and it was a mess for a little while until it gained widespread acceptance. Indeed, Arkansas called the National Guard to prevent black kids from entering previously-white schools. The president had to eventually call the military to ensure their safe entry. Other major milestones like the ERA were met with some resistance, and were not initially embraced by all in the manner we’d like to think.

Bottom line, recognition of rights should not be determined by their popularity at the time. Indeed, if they were popular we wouldn’t need the courts to guarantee them to us through the judicial process. But, we do look back on these decisions as being the right thing to do. Do some people honestly think that in 50 years we will look back on Massachusets and say “boy, that was a mistake!” I don’t think we will, as massachusets is doing just fine with gay marriage (conservative grumpiness aside).

For now, let’s recognize this decision as the important milestone that it is, and celebrate. It’s not a victory, not yet.

Literally. This is interesting, I thought I’d try blogging about something I’m watching on tv right now. I’m watching the senate candidate debate on channel 8. It’s funny because, as deep into politics as I am, I am completely unable to focus on anything these guys are saying because the aesthetics are so bad. I voted already anyway, so let’s have some fun with this.

Jon Kyl (R) - He’s stammering, very unpolished, and looks like his 5 year old grandson did his hair. Does he have a glass eye? His answers are all Bush-isms (stay the course, blah, blah…). Ironically, he’s the best looking one on the group.

Richard Mack (L) - Wow, this is either fake tanning gone awry, or someone used the wrong makeup on him. His slicked, parted hair looks like something I’m pretty sure I’ve seen on Dallas. His answer to everything is to eliminate taxes and abolish the government (it’s very easy to be a Libertarian).

Jim Pederson (D) - I’ve had about enough of his thoughtful pauses, and each time you wonder if he’s having a stroke. He’s trying to smile, but it looks like it hurts. He looks like a shriveled up pumpkin, and his head if definitely disproportionate to the rest of his body. How old is this guy? Can he last a full term? I have met this guy in person numerous times before, and he never looked nearly this bad.

To make matters worse, it seems as though the cameraman is using some sort of 70’s filter - I mean, it literally looks like I’m watching that blurry and brownish footage from the 70’s. You get the impression these guys are “probably dead by now.” I think they spent all of $25 producing this debate.

Once in awhile these little voting commands come up on the screen (where you can answer polling questions with your remote) and it startles me a little, because I’m reminded that digital technology actually exists. So I push my answers, half believing that it won’t matter because this debate took place before I was even born.

Are they trying to get people to change the channel? I understand debates can be boring, but jeez, at least look like you’re trying!

I thought I’d take a short break from the previous blog series, to post a link to this article I just read. It seems appropriate given some of my musings from last week.

http://www.newyorker.com/talk/content/articles/060925ta_talk_collins

Now, some of you who really know me know that I am probably not the type of person that would take part in any PDA unless something were terribly wrong, or if I were terribly drunk.

But I am wondering…am I? How do I know this, given that the opportunity seems to be so strongly discouraged?

Consider this quote from another story, an editorial written about the incident mentioned in the article above:

“A moment that has made my personal hall of shame occurred a decade ago when I accompanied my then-boyfriend to the hospital. He was getting a diagnosis that could have been serious. After we sat down, Paul’s right leg started going like a jackhammer, and he instinctively reached for my hand. The waiting room was crowded. I brushed his hand away. At the time I rationalized that I just didn’t believe in public displays of affection. That was a lie.”

Thoughts?

LA Trip Part Two

Where were we? Oh yeah, Friday. Friday morning I woke up at about 11am, having gone to sleep quite late the previous night. I had the hotel send up some coffee, and decided to start planning my day….when I realized that I didn’t have to plan anything! This was my day and I could do whatever I wanted, so I decided to go walk around town and see what comes up. I decided about a week ago that I would spend a day or two as if this was where I lived, and so I thought this day may be a good day for that.

I walked down the steep hill, turned a corner, and then I was back on the gay strip. While I was trying to ignore the cute pet boutique, I spotted a tanning salon and decided I should get a spray tan since I was pretty pale. After talking to the guy at the counter, I must have winced a little at the $30 price tag (I’m told over and over that you can see my facial expressions from space), because I was assured that the tan came with a 24 hour guarantee. If I didn’t like it, I could come back and scrub it off in their shower with some pumice (these Weho businesses don’t fck around) and get a lighter color. Ok, fine.

If you’ve never had a spray tan, let me tell you that it can be an overwhelming experience. This particular booth had motion sensor activated doors, and a computerized voice giving you instructions the whole way. After I had a 15 minute lecture on where to rub the silicone, what positions to hold and when, and where to wave my hands to activate the sensors, I started getting undressed. I rubbed the silicone lotion into my cuticles, wrists and feet, and waved my hand in front of the sensor. The door opened with a Star Trek hiss, and I stepped inside and onto the metal plates in the floor. The computer lady told me to activate the sensor when I was ready, so I waved my hands where the Tanning Guru told me…cut to me frantically waving my arms up and down, spinning around several times, getting tanner in my eyes (it stung more than I remember, is this safe?), trying to hear what computer was shouting at me through the little speaker, and gasping for breath through the mist.

After everything was done I got dressed, regained my composure, and said goodbye to Tanning Guru. I was thirsty, so I headed toward the Coffee Bean to get a 1000 calorie blended coffee drink. But before I got into the store, I was stopped by an HRC volunteer who asked if I had a few minutes for gay rights. Sure I said, and listened to her speech about the FMA and how the HRC needs money to fight it. I asked her if she knew how good they have it in California, as we were fighting our own state amendment. She was actually from AZ originally, so we talked about this for awhile, and she even called over one of her friends to hear my story. We all introduced ourselves and chatted for awhile, and about half way through my stories about AZ politics, I could pick up just a tiny look of disapproval (or was it sympathy?), like how can I be living in such a backward state? I was probably projecting here. But having seen this, I explained how I’ve been considering a move to CA, to which one of the girls immediately shot back, “Check out Silverlake, that’s where it’s at right now, you’ll love it!” I filled out a form to send a monthly gift to HRC, and we said our goodbyes.

Later, coffee in hand I browsed around some shops, buying some brands of clothing that I’ve had a hard time finding in AZ. At LASC the salesman gave me some tips for the hot spots on Friday, highly recommending The Abbey. I stopped at a place for lunch that was recommended by Anthony (Koo Koo Roo, which was more like fast food than I thought it would be), and then headed back to the hotel. I must have walked 10 miles that afternoon, so when I got back to my room I laid down for a little nap.

That night, back on the town, I was hungry again so I had a burger in a sidewalk cafe next to some of the clubs. I watched all the guys walk by, and chatted with a fellow patron about some of the best places to eat around town. What struck me about this guy was that I was pretty sure he was straight, although he still seemed perfectly comfortable where he was.

I headed over to the Abbey. During my last trip I didn’t get to see this bar, and I was glad I was here alone so that I could make my own judgement about it. I expected a cover but there wasn’t one, and I walked inside and took in all the colors, the roaring fireplace, and all the gorgeous people milling around in groups sucking down drinks. For those of you who haven’t been to The Abbey it feels a little like Amsterdam in Phoenix, only about 4 times bigger and better music and decor. A feeling of decadence permeates this bar. And you can’t help but to walk around and think that you’ve seen several of these people on either a soap opera or movie. I got some looks, but alas it seemed everyone was in their own social group, so after a drink I eventually left and headed back to Santa Monica Blvd.

I tested the Rage for awhile (great music) and Mickey’s (go-go boys still there), and about 6 drinks later decided it was time to head home. Nothing eventful to speak of here, just some solo clubbing and dancing. I felt as though I should save some energy for ATB the next night, even though it was already 1:30. I stepped outside and help up my hand, a cab stopped immediately and took me back to the hotel.

Some of you know that I’ve just returned from my birthday vacation to L.A. Not only was this one of the longest trips I’ve taken in awhile, but this was also my first solo trip (although Jerry did meet up with me for the last 2 days - thanks Jerry, Good Times!).

The trip was fairly spontaneous, and was initially driven by my desire to see ATB on Saturday night - unfortunately I have never before been able to get a trip together to see one of his U.S. shows. But then it became about a lot more, which we’ll get to in later postings. So shortly after getting an email from the ATB website, I booked my hotel on Hotwire and announced to anyone who cared to attend.

I got to my hotel in West Hollywood late on Thursday night, neatly unpacked all my things, took a shower and then headed out for my adventure. When I arrived at the gay area on Santa Monica Blvd., I was initially surprised to see so many couples holding hands. Now, I have seen this before…in Castro, in Hillcrest, in Chelsea, and even here…but I guess not enough time had passed in this town and my mind was still in Phoenix. In fact, one of the last things I looked at before I left was the stack of legal papers I had been served with days earlier (more on this Nov. 8). This town is different…

I stopped into one of my favorite clubs, ordered a drink, and felt the gay thump sink into my bones. It felt good. I remembered the polite, shirtless bartender from my last trip here, and things started to feel very familiar and comfortable. I looked around and took in the hedonism - which tonight seemed even stronger than usual with the wall-to-wall go-go boys doing anything they could for tips, and the very crowded bar going wild.

I took my drink out to the patio and wondered if I would talk to anyone tonight. It was late, and I was sober. It didn’t take long before Louis came over, asked for a cigarette, and started some conversation. It was clear he didn’t really smoke, and we laughed about that as he said, “Is it really that obvious?”

We talked politics, about life in Weho, life in Phoenix, about our work…went inside for one last drink, and headed out. Holding hands feels different when you’re older. “Welcome to L.A.,” he said.

That’s all for now.