Jerry Timms

Looking (back) at 2006

Letting Go

Phoebe. This happened a few years sooner than I thought it would have to. Phoebe was 9 or 10, and succumbed to a type of Crohn’s disease, or inflammatory bowel disease. I spent a considerable amount of time and money diagnosing and treating her over the course of about 6 months, but the various vet doctors were unable to stabilize her and she eventually died at home on August 15. I don’t like to think about the last days, but I am now. I chose a natural death for her, and would absolutely make the same decision if I had to do it again. Phoebe was my child. Not a human child, but how often do we look into our pet’s eyes and think “there’s a person in there!” If I had a human daughter, and she was terminally ill, I would not euthanize her - and so I decided several years ago that when the time came I wouldn’t do it to Phoebe, either. Phoebe was a strong girl, and I am certain that she would personally choose (had she the understanding) to not be killed helplessly with a needle full of poison. I took a couple weeks off from work, and dedicated every hour to making her as comfortable as possible. I was almost always with her, and we became very close, even closer than before. There is something rather beautiful and human about caring for a loved one through their last days. We looked at pictures from when I first took Phoebe home, I told her stories, cuddled…and ate steak, barbequed lamb and chicken, even though she couldn’t digest anything. I administered b-12, eye and nose ointment, and medication. During the last few days she had seizures, and I held her really tight and whispered to her about how much I loved her. When I woke up one morning I could sense that she was gone, and I peaked around the corner and confirmed my suspicion. I called the vet to take her body to the crematorium, and spent the rest of the day in a bit of a haze. I got some chinese food for dinner, and when I was finished I opened my fortune cookie to reveal the message “There is someone owing so many thanks to you.” I broke down and cried harder than I ever have before, and I still do almost every day. Phoebe really was my best friend, and I miss her so much…

Jim. We were together for 2 1/2 years, and I thought he was the one. The problem was that after all that time, he was still not comfortable with being gay. We spent holidays apart, and socializing with friends was awkward. Ugh, even after all of the times that I resented him for not letting me meet his friends or family, I miss him…our time together talking effortlessly about this and that. I was ready to live together, he was not, and I was unsure if he ever would be…so I chose to end it. He is in a different stage of life than I am…and no matter how many talks we had about it, it didn’t change the fact that he just wasn’t ready for a lot of things. He reminded me of how I was in my first relationship (and I was his first)…and well, my first relationship obviously didn’t work out, either - whose does? Even through I miss Jim, I have never doubted that our split was good for us.

Prosperity

Money. I set a goal a couple years ago of passing 100k in yearly income, and I achieved it this year.

Career. I formed my own corporation and I work from home for a full time client, doing exactly what I like to do right now, learning the things I like to learn. My client shares almost all of my values, and working with them has been wonderful.

Friendship

Friends. I have some new friends, have reconnected with some old friends, and I have been spending more time with my best friends. Groups of friends have been successfully integrated.

Neighbors. I’ve socialized quite a bit with my neighbors this year, which is something I’ve never really done before. There are a few gay and lesbian households on my street, and they’re a lot of fun.

Health

Smoking. Quit earlier in the year for a couple months, then relapsed. Quit again 2 1/2 weeks ago and holding…with no cheating this time!

Body. Lost about 20 lbs half way through the year.

Misc. My frequent migraines have suddenly disappeared this year. I don’t really know for sure why.

Charity/Activism

HRC. I increased my contributions this year to HRC, set up monthly contributions, and held a successful fundraising dinner at my house.

Lambda Legal. I maintained my monthly contributions this year, and had a chance to meet with a director a few weeks ago about increasing my involvement in the organization.

(Edited!) Spent a significant amount of time running a website that received a lot of attention and changed a lot of minds.

Travel

Post-Jim…

Solo. Took my first ever solo vacation, saw ATB, pretended I lived in LA, and had a blast! Met my parents for lunch, and met up with Jerry the last 2 days for some clubbing and celebrity sightings.

Group. Went on a group trip with Rich, Justin and CA friends, and had a great time during this alcohol-soaked vacation!

Home

Design. Had the living room (finally) painted, and set up a cool office.

Construction. Almost finished a garage construction project. Hired a lawyer, went to court over it, won a judgement, and now just waiting for the check so I can get it fixed and completed.

Staff. Hired a great landscaper and housekeeper to keep everything in order.

I almost forgot what it was like, this yearly event called the “holidays.” So far I’ve partaken in the fun part….that is, I’ve slacked off ever so slightly at work and spent gobs of money at the mall (for others AND myself). Now, I’m sitting in my office, drinking some coffee, and mentally preparing myself for the final part - the family visit. This is the part I almost forgot about.

I love my parents. They are still together after like 36 years, and they are about the most supportive parents you can imagine. After I came out to them about a year and a half ago, we are much closer. I don’t have to censor my conversation anymore, or be afraid they’re going to ask me if I’m dating. Coming out was anticlimactic, and I was a complete idiot for waiting so long.

A magazine article that I read recently did a pretty good job of describing the family relationships of American gay men…”In our 20’s and 30’s, that distance grows larger as gay men join the upwardly mobile class of their peers, carving out individualistic identities based on economic consuption (and, often, some kind of therapy) before finally beginning the lengthy process of reconciling with our parents.”

Well…check, check, and check.

This year’s visit feels a little different…for the first time, I’m coming home as an adult. I can finally (last year things were still at an awkward stage) relate some of my adult dating experiences, and stories of my friends. I can speak of love and politics from an adult’s perspective, and not as some adolescent who’s yet to experience real things in romance and battle.

This year’s visit feels a little different…because I’m broken. I’ve chosen not to extensively share some things, because I’m still dealing with them, and things have moved to a more personal space of healing. Many of you know the things that have happened with me this year…but none of you really know how they are still affecting me. As far as you can see, life goes on with Jerry Timms…if you’re really observant, you’d know it hasn’t - not completely anyway. It is what it is. Things break us down, then make us stronger. Maybe we’ll talk about it more sometime.

And finally, this year’s visit feels a little different…because I’m in control. I have set the expectation that I will arrive on the day that I choose, leave when I’m ready, and not tolerate anything I’m uncomfortable with (see future post on my extended family). I’m only spending half (or less!) of the week with my family, then I will be leaving promptly for LA to spend a few days and New Year’s Eve with some friends.

The visit to California will be part fun, part respite, and part duty. It always is. Only this year the proportions of each are changing.

On to another topic, it’s been over 4 days now without smoking. Some days I’ve used a patch and gum, some not. Today was a patch day. I figure if I could get through today without totally breaking down, I can probably go a lot longer. Last week was the perfect time to quit, as I was with a group of people who aren’t smokers. Of course I still smelled like smoke from being in the casinos, but at least the smell didn’t originate from me! Seriously, I don’t know how you non-smokers can put up with that smell. When I quit (and I have done it several times before) I am constantly surprised by how many places, people and things smell like smoke. Smokers of course are completely unable to detect this, but we know it’s there.

In Vegas, this girl actually got into the elevator at the hotel with a cigarette in her hand! We went up 15 floors with this smoldering cigarette filling the tiny elevator with smoke. I looked around, my eyes watering, wondering if anyone was going to say anything…but they didn’t. You people sure are tolerant! Of course I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take a couple deep breaths…

So what do you get when you cross 9 hot guys, 3 hotel rooms, copious amounts of alcohol, dance clubs that never close, and a city with very few laws? The answer: my fun weekend in Vegas!

Last Thursday I left with friends Rich and Justin for a much needed gaycation to Vegas, where we met up with friends from CA - one I have met before, and five I didn’t know yet. All were terrific guys, and I’m always excited to expand my circle of friends. Can’t wait to see you guys in LA!

There were quite a few events that I planned to blog about, but after reading Rich’s blog I am reminded that what happens in Vegas really ought to stay there. I think it’s sufficient to say that everyone had a great time.

On my way to a lunch meeting with a client today, I couldn’t help but to feel a bit depressed. That gay bubble has popped, if only temporarily. All of my coworkers had a difficult Friday and weekend (as evidenced by the mound of email I read this morning), and this is going to be a challenging week. No, this week I won’t be drinking, gambling, dancing, getting unexpected VIP invites, or talking to hot Italian pilots. I’ll be a different sort of rockstar this week, so that I can afford what’s going to be a very exciting 2007. (To be continued)

So there are two big pieces of news from Walmart. First, same-store sales are down for November for the first time in like 10 years. Second, traffic on their website is up 60% from last year, and their website actually crashed last friday. I’ve read a few bits of analysis about these items, but I have yet to find any discussion of what I believe is the driving force behind these 2 trends.

Some Walmart customers may be too fat to go out in public anymore. I went to Walmart today to buy some batteries for my mouse. Although I try to avoid Walmart (unless it’s after 9pm when the rest of the world seems to close down), I just went to Staples next door to get a headset for my phone and they didn’t have the kind of batteries I was looking for.

What was really frustrating about the whole experience - besides the obvious poor service, trashed aisles, and screaming, sick babies - is that it took me an incredibly long time to maneuver around the store. Why? Because there were long lines of people in those little motorized chairs browsing around. Some people in chairs were actually getting mad at other people in chairs, apparently because they were poor “drivers.” I almost got ran over once when one of them came zooming out of an aisle without looking first.

Now before you call me an insensitive bitch, these were Walmart chairs…not full time chairs people used to get to the store. The chairs were all Walmart-colored, and they apparently got to the store unaided. I could see no other disability (some of them may be legitimate, mind you) other than they were all extremely fat. I mean fat. Like bags of fat stuffed inside giant bags of marshmallow.

All I can say is that Walmart better start installing more web servers. Just watch, in 2 years Walmart will start painting lanes on the floor. In 3, they will install traffic signals. In 5 years, the chairs will be gone (internet sales will be up 10,000%) and I will finally be free to do my shopping without getting run over.