Myspace is an interesting tool, as I’ve used it to reconnect with a lot of people that I otherwise would probably have never heard from again. Some old friends have been recently reconnecting with me through my Myspace page…some from high school, and some from college. This is geat because I always like to see how everyone is doing with their lives, and am fascinated and enriched by the new connections that I’ve been able to make with these (sometimes very) old friends.
The awkward part is that some of them are surprised to find out that I’m gay. Not all of them mind you, but some. And so it feels a little strange, because I’m reminded of some times in my life when I was not completely honest with myself. And now that I’m blogging and basically spilling my junk to the world, I think it’s startling for some of these old friends to read about my life and feel a little confused.
Two friends from college have found me on Myspace in the last couple weeks. We exchanged messages, catching each other up on things like where we live and what we do. But the last messages I got from them were about a deeper subject, as they were ever so casually writing me to essentially say “WTF?”
Ha, very understandable reaction. But I realized that I’ve never written about coming out. As well, I think some of my friends who’ve known I’m gay for awhile are a little too shy to ask questions about it. And by looking at the traffic stats to this site, I think that there are a lot of people/family/friends reading who haven’t admitted it to me yet that they’ve found my blog.
So, to all of you, here you go. My coming out blog.
I came out to my friend Jerry when I was about 24…he was wondering why I didn’t want to date some girls that were hitting on me at various places, and I was tired of him asking questions. One night there was a girl who worked at the local Mobil station who was obviously very interested in me, and Jerry happened to catch a conversation between her and another coworker where she said that every time I come in her heart flutters. Well, this drove him nuts that I wouldn’t ask her out after hearing of this news. So ater we got to a bar that night and got some drinks in us, he started with the questions. Jerry used to call this “the truth game” and it’s essentially a game where Jerry gets drunk and asks you question after question until he’s bored with the game.
I told him I wanted him to guess why I didn’t want to go out with Mobil girl. So he literally guessed just about every reason under the sun for an hour or two (including that my genitals may have been lost in a horrible tractor accident) until finally blurting out “you don’t like chicks?” Well, I said “yep” and he quickly followed up with “We need some shots!”
Several shots later, and Jerry told me that he suddenly had more respect for me, because he thought that maybe I just had “no game.” Well, since I told him that I actually had a boyfriend, and had dated several guys, I think he suddenly thought of me as more of a normal guy - rather than someone who hasn’t dated anyone at all in years.
Later, he told his sister and a few friends, and nobody had a problem with it at all. It was back to business as usual, except that I was bringing my first boyfriend (of about 3 months) out with us. From that point forward, I have had more fun than all the previous years combined.
Backing up a few years…I had never dated or been with a guy until I was about 22. It was after I had moved out from my fraternity and started my senior year of college. I was living alone for the first time, and something really changed about me then. I really took a hard look at who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.
I had been repressing my true self because I was dead set on a career in politics ever since early high school. I went to high school in a very religious and conservative area of Southern California, Temecula, and was constantly told by my teachers (no kidding - even my Psychology teacher) that being gay was wrong, unhealthy, immoral, and a choice. Maybe some of it sunk in. Although I have always been an agnostic/atheist, having my whole community seemingly against me had its effect. And I was so afraid that I would not be able to run for congress as a gay man - a goal that was very important to me at the time.
That idea of being gay being “a choice” followed me into college at ASU, and sometimes I think I may have joined a fraternity for partially the same reason that many gay men join the army - for hope that some of that heterosexuality rubs off on you.
Well, it doesn’t - and only left me more and more frustrated with my conflicting feelings. Honestly? If I wasn’t so conflicted over this crap, I would have been a much better student. As it was, I got decent (if not a little mediocre) grades, and graduated in 4.5 years. I could have done much better, and I could have been happier…much happier during those years. I think there were times that I might have been on the edge, and it really pains me to think about that. I am so happy now…I have great friends, a supportive family, my health, a fun career, a good deal of money/success…and I couldn’t think of not having and experiencing this.
There were a few pivotal players in my turning point. One, believe it or not, was a television show on Showtime called Queer as Folk. It showed me how normal and fun a gay life can be - something I just had no idea about. Another was Rich, who I chatted with endlessly online and on the phone, who made me very comfortable with who I was - and pointed me to a very satisfying career path. And another was Jerry, who was just about as supportive as a friend can be during these times.
It all comes down to the fact that we choose and create our own happiness, or our misery. I made a choice that I was going to be happy, honest with myself and to others, and be wildly successful…my life has been more or less fantastic ever since, and continues to get better every year.
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