Jerry Timms

Today was such a busy day that I didn’t even have time to try out my tv after it had been delivered, because I had to rush off to an off site business meeting immediately after it was unpacked for me by the shipping company. But after a long afternoon of meetings and a trip to the doctor and pharmacy (yes, another sinus infection - I’m like the king of sinus infections now), I came home anxious to try my new 40″ 1080p Samsung lcd television.

I was curious to try out the local broadcast channels, because I had heard that local digital broadcasts come in very clear and can often look much better than even cable HD broadcasts because they are not compressed. So I decided to connect some rabbit ears that I had bought for my treadmill (it has a tiny tv in it). I connected them, turned on the tv, and pressed OK after it offered to memorize the “air” channels.

Well sweet Jesus, I was not prepared for the DVD quality picture and sound that awaited me. Not only is the picture absolutely perfect, but there are so many of them. Almost every local station broadcasts between 2-5 digital channels. So you have 10.1, 10.2, 15.1, 15.2, 15.3, etc.

The “point one” channels are the same show that you would see on the regular broadcast channel, except that the shows are sometimes in true widescreen format (not stretched). The other channels are either other shows, or what appears to be a looped weather and news broadcast (like Headline News on cable). Most shows appear to be broadcast in 1080i, but there are some that are only 480p or 720p, and they don’t look as good.

I love this. So what have I learned?

1. You don’t get any static or snow with digital channels. Either you get them nearly perfectly, or not at all. If you live in a metro area, you will probably get all of them with even simple rabbit ears. The sound is really, really good quality as well!

2. There are a ton of channels to choose from, a lot more than what you’d normally get over the air with a standard tv. The local PBS channel broadcasts multiple Discovery-like channels. I had no idea all this gorgeous-ness was being broadcast for free!

3. In just a little over 2 years I’ll save enough on cable to actually pay for the tv.

So, there you go. Don’t let the cable and satellite companies make you believe that you need their overpriced signal in order to get HD programming. You’re probably wondering if I’m going to have these rabbit ears sitting out in plain view? Of course not! I just ordered a special tv stand that is getting delivered next week, and it has a big compartment in the back where I can put them out of view. Oddly, it kind of looks like a fireplace. Here’s a pic:

Friday night Jerry and I finally got Vicky to come out with us. We walked to the Arizona Center where we had dinner and wine at Uno, and then continued walking to Amsterdam afterwards for drinks. It was interesting to walk around downtown again and see the progress on the light rail. It seems like it’s almost done, but I guess there are still power lines lines to build and street and traffic direction infrastructure.

Walking on the light rail tracks down Central Avenue

When we got to Amsterdam, it was a light crowd, and Vicky even asked if it was closed down right before we went in. We found a larger crowd on the patio, and took some seats on the balcony. Jerry got awkwardly hit on by a lesbian. The vibe of Amsterdam has definitely changed since the opening of Burn, and I think it’s also being affected by the restrictive construction all around the building.

Aw, I missed Vicky!

Saturday night was Mark’s birthday dinner at Fate, where everyone had a delicious dinner but consistently disappointing martinis. One tasted like a margharita pizza (with tomato juice and basil) and one tasted like lemon pledge (with fresh ginger juice). The coconut curry is still my favorite dinner there, even if it does look a little like pea soup sometimes. After Fate we went back to Mark and Andrea’s place for a bit before heading back out to Burn, where we all had jello shots and vodka drinks. Rich and Justin stalked some of the waiters and Mark got appropriately birthday-drunk. Afterwards we hung out some more at Mark and Andrea’s before calling it a late night.

Andrea, Mark, Rich and Justin at Burn

Earlier in the week, Daren and I went to Seamus McCaffrey’s for some drinks and discussed the recent developments in our dating lives. Daren is back with Phaedra, but I’m pretty much out of luck with the original Mr. X’s. As I mentioned before…one is moving away and one really doesn’t seem to be interested at all, so that’s that. There are some possibilities out there still, and I probably won’t really go into them until I see where they’re going.

Diet and working out are still going well. I really like the supplements I’m taking - all from German American Technologies, which seems to be a pretty quality brand. Me and a lot of my other friends are taking the XC4 creatine, and I’ve also been taking the Stenandiol 3.0 system. Oh, and EAS 100% whey protein shakes. Overall I think they’ve helped me put on a little more muscle, and I’m happy to report that I don’t look totally hideous in a tank top anymore.

It’s hard to take pictures of yourself!

June 8th actually passed without me even realizing that it has been 6 months since I quit smoking. All without a single cheat the entire time. This time I think it’s really permanent so I’m pretty happy about that.

The first month was a little rough, but after that every day pretty much got incrementally better. I feel healthier, smell better, and my “clearing” cough has finally stopped. If there’s anyone reading this who wants advice, this is how I did it. Please post a comment, or email me using the profile link at the right if you have any questions.

How I quit smoking:

1. Get out of town. Starting with my first quit day, I went on a weekend trip with friends who do not smoke, nor do they approve of smoking. The trip was actually planned first, and then I set my quit day to coincide with it. Peer pressure and change of scenery got this off to a good start.

2. I used the Nicoderm patch. You must keep it on at all times - you even shower with it, and then put on a fresh one after you dry yourself off. By the time you go to bed, it is weak enough that you can usually still fall sleep - but no matter how bad the nightmares are (and they can be very vivid and terrifying) you must sleep with it on. I believe that the #1 mistake people make (and I have made) when trying to quit with the patch is to go nights or short periods without one on. I used this for about 6 weeks.

3. I used the Commit lozenge as needed. You aren’t supposed to use 2 nicotine replacement things at once, but sometimes I really needed an extra kick - like when drinking, or when emotional (mad, happy, etc.). Yes it makes you nauseous, but the extra jolt would get me through the unexpected cravings. I always had some in my pocket for about the first 2 months.

4. Stay calm. I took Valerian before going to bed so I could sleep a little better. It’s an herb that you can get in the vitamin section of any health store or grocery store. Get the standardized extract and maybe take a little more than it says to on the bottle (I doubled the dose, but try the regular dose first). I blogged often to get all the crap out of my head.

5. Make other changes. Quitting smoking wasn’t the only thing I wanted to change in my life, so I immediately went to work changing the other things, too. These things are different for everyone, but I think the key is to distract yourself with some additional projects so you’re not sitting there dwelling on cigarettes.

That’s it. I guess it may or may not work for you, but why not try it? I’m enjoying my new freedom and health, and really glad that I decided to do this.

I just bought a TV. Screw it, what am I - a caveman? This is the most technologically advanced LCD TV on the market today, and gets the top editor’s pick from CNET. Also, Amazon had it on sale.

Speaking of boredom, I went to the mall yesterday and got both of my ears pierced. Yes, to Claire’s. And yes, there were little girls standing around watching me get it done!

Initially I went to Halo, a locally respected body piercing place. I thought surely they would do just a regular ear piercing, even if it was probably going to be significantly more expensive than the mall. Well, I was wrong. I spoke with this pin-cushioned dork who proceeded to tell me that the shop doesn’t pierce with studs. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Why?
Pin Cushion: Stud earrings don’t exist that meet our strict guidelines.
Me: What? (as I look in the case and see studs) Really?
Pin Cushion: We only pierce with surgical steel hoops or rods, the APA doesn’t allow us to use inferior quality studs.
Me: Really? Oh no, so you’re saying I have to go to the mall?
Pin Cushion: I wouldn’t recommend anyone go to the mall. Did you know that they can’t guarantee every single piece of the piercing gun is sterile?
Me: Huh?
Pin Cushion: Yeah but if you want to whatever, I understand your situation. It’s not rocket science, a 16 year old at Claire’s can do it for you.
Me: Ok…
Pin Cushion: But you know it will take 3-4 months to heal, and it isn’t sterile.
Me: Um…
Pin Cushion: Have you seen the training video for the piercing guns? They have kids doing it.
Me: No, I haven’t…
Pin Cushion: I can pierce you with some hoops and you can take them out in 6 weeks and put studs in if that’s what you really want.
Me: Ok um, bye…

So I was really frustrated, because now I was gonna have to go to a pink and sparkly store with kids hopping all around to get my ears pierced, in that chair right behind the window for onlookers to see. But I was definitely going to go there now, if not just to spite this dork who got all snooty with me over his marginally superior piercing methods.

Well, it didn’t actually turn out to be that bad, and the “kid” that pierced me was nice enough (she was in her 20’s). I have differently sized ears, so it took a little while for her to get the dots lined up just right. But once she did she squeezed the trigger twice, and in seconds I had two cubic zirconia studs. I asked her how they looked, and I saw a tiny corner of her mouth raise up before she said, “You look h– um, they look good.” I grabbed the mirror, and approved. I already knew what this would look like, because I saw someone who kind of looked like me when I was at a party in Orlando who had these. They looked really hot on him, so naturally I wanted them. Actually, I think I’ve wanted them ever since JT’s last comeback, but just never had the balls until now.

So, I mentioned before that I had more to say about dating, and I guess this is as good a time as any to spill a little bit of what’s on my mind right now. I have tended to be attracted to guys that are emotionally and otherwise unavailable, and it makes for an interesting (difficult) dating life.

Last boyfriend was a good example, we talked online for about 7-8 months before ever meeting in person. He was as closeted as someone gets, and the progression of our relationship was incredibly slow. It was a few additional months before we even kissed, and incrementally longer for other things to happen. I’ve gone on about this before…

Lately I’ve been going out with a couple Mr. X’s, and the reason that there have been a couple of them is because neither one really shows any inclination to date seriously. I like them both, although I’m starting to get that when someone is busy all weekend/week or takes days to return a message…well, that’s pretty much the international symbol for ‘not interested’ right? And when one talks about an imminent move out of state, well, that’s also a sign that things are probably not going anywhere. We have a great time when we’re out, but I’m being kept at too great a distance.

Why do I bring all this up? Well, I’m having a hard time determining where I stand with people. That’s why I broke up with last boyfriend, because when it came down to it we could never talk about moving in together or about when I could meet his family (even after over 2 years together), and it really made me question how he thought about me. That’s why I’m probably going to stop seeing (or wanting to see) the current Mr. X’s in a romantic context because, even though I’m pretty upfront about how I feel, they aren’t and it makes me not want to persue anything further. I’m not really the kind of guy right now that wants to date a bunch of people simultaneously.

There are also some things that I need to address with myself. Because of past experiences, I am vigilently self-protective. It really doesn’t take much for me to shut myself off emotionally, for fear of being disappointed again. Everyone is like this to a degree. But I am aware that I often look for signs that someone doesn’t like me…and when I find any hint of those signs I tend to back away. Some of this is healthy emotional intelligence, but it shouldn’t be my first response to everything.

In a way, I think I want every new attraction to work out into a relationship, and that just isn’t a reasonable expectation. I still think that when the right match is made, a lot of these challenges just never present themselves.

And now that I think I’ve scared away virtually every potential suitor with my craziness, I think I’ll end this post. Now that I don’t have a TV I have plenty of time for self reflection (help me!)

I had a great dinner with Mr. X tonight, and some incredible conversation afterwards. We went to Fate, one of my favorite restaurants. John Hook and Kerry Lake were a few tables away from us…and if there was ever any doubt, yes they really are friends in real life! I know, only I can get star struck by seeing local news reporters, right? I joked that if Troy Hayden walked in I was going to fall right out of my chair.

Well, like I said the conversation was great and I’m really glad I went out tonight. I’m also really glad to hear that things are going a lot better for him lately.

I’ve started changing my workout routine and diet this week. I realized something when I was in Orlando, that I’m not most attracted to lean guys. Actually, I found the bigger and more muscular guys the most attractive. I didn’t used to be, but I guess things change. So, going with the idea that I’m not going to get bigger by cutting calories, I’ve decided to start a higher calorie, high protein diet…complete with hundreds of dollars worth of bodybuilding supplements that I just received yesterday.

I’ve also started working out a lot harder in the gym. It’s really only been a couple days on this new plan, but I think I’m off to a good start and writing about it here will keep me a little more accountable. Whatever, you know? Remember, I have no TV…

Well I haven’t done one of those “here’s what I did last weekend” posts in awhile, so that’s where I’ll start tonight.

This last weekend was one of the first full weekends in awhile where I’ve been in town (and not preparing for some imminent trip). So friday was nice and low-key hanging out at the Governor’s Mansion with Jerry, watching some episodes of heroes and drinking beer and eating pizza.

But the highlight was certainly the discussion, catching each other up on our recent activities…my vacation to Florida and his recent courtship and dating. Jerry’s been working so much that he rarely dates, so it was interesting to hear about this girl that it seems he really likes.

Saturday I did a bunch of yardwork, cleaned the pool (found a dead pigeon in the skimmer and put myself through a little bird flu scare), and then headed to Arizona Mills for some shopping. After buying some swimsuits and eating lunch, I headed north to Scottsdale Fashion Square for some more shopping and better people watching. Seriously, it was pretty hideous at the Mills…but oddly, not much better at Fashion Square. After a call from Rich, I decided to meet him, Justin, Mark and Andrea at George & Dragon for a late dinner, beers and conversation.

Later that evening we all decided to go to Burn for more drinks and dancing. We all had a good time, and from what I remember the music was good even though we couldn’t tell who the dj was that night (not Jeremy). After closing we ended up back at Mark and Andrea’s new fabulous place in Willo, where we talked some more and I bonded with their dogs.

Sunday I hung out at the pool for awhile before going with Daren to see Jerry at work. Jerry’s restaurant is having some sort of contest to see which location can sell the most wine, so we got a bottle of wine and some burgers. Well, all that talk about wine made the three of us decide to go back to Jerry’s place to drink a couple more bottles of it and watch a movie and some TV.

We saw Little Miss Sunshine. Although I was prepared to hate it (OK, Andrea!) I found it really interesting. Everyone in this family battles with some sort of failure, and if you get caught up in that then it would probably be a pretty depressing movie. But the most interesting character is actually this old yellow VW Bus. To get it going past second gear they all have to get outside of it and push really fast, and when it gets to third gear (I think? the explanation was a bit convoluted) then they all have to run alongside the thing and jump in. Sometimes pulled in.

They do this alot, because they take the Bus to California so this little girl can realize her dream of being in a beauty pageant. Everyone confronts their failures and insecurities along the way, blah blah. Family always pulls together, blah.

But I started thinking about that Bus, and thought it was actually a really beautiful metaphor for all of us and how sometimes in life we just find ourselves going nowhere and need the help of our friends and family to push us forward, and then get back on for the ride. Ugh, cheesy I know.

Well, this week I’m planning on getting a lot of work done. I’m also organizing the house…today was vitamin day. I’m a total supplement whore, and decide to clean out all the crap that I don’t even use. Tomorrow evening I’m cleaning out the pantry and then going out to dinner with Mr. X. You see how I just slipped that in there?

I just found out that Justin has a blog. Actually, he’s been blogging since May which is really creepy because it’s like he’s been undercover this whole time. Rich decided he’s gonna start writing a little more detail of his personal life and it’s pretty interesting. Both of their links are over there —->

I met with CPA today, and taxes for last year weren’t nearly as bad as I thought they’d be. In fact, I saved a little too much reserve to pay them. So, maybe I’ll buy a TV.

A few months after my last relationship ended, I found myself chatting on online dating sites to pass some of the time at night. The ultimate goal was to meet someone new to date, as I was not used to (or comfortable with) going to bars by myself. Funny thing happens when I’m in a relationship for awhile, I usually don’t make many new gay friends, or hold on to the ones that I’ve had. So here I was, with straight friends who were getting pretty sick and tired of going to Amsterdam and BS West with me!

I noticed, when chatting with people, that everyone would ask me if I was single. I thought, well of course I am, why does everyone ask that? Well I think I didn’t realize that, among other things such as text messaging, open relationships became a lot more popular while I was out of the dating pool. Or maybe I have just been a little too naive about it before, it doesn’t really matter at this point…

Since attendng a few circuit parties, I’m surprised at how many couples are there…not being exclusive with their intimacy. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the gay population, so this should not indicate a broader trend worth thinking about. Maybe so.

But since expanding my circle of gay friends, I’m also surprised at how many couples I either socialize with or meet locally that also do not practice much exclusivity. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the “coupled” population that still goes out to clubs and bars, and that surely the majority of couples are probably home enjoying a more traditional relationship.

But is that what I want?

Here’s my concern, that I’ve expressed before. I want a monogamous relationship, but I still want to go out to clubs and parties with that person. I really, honestly, can’t see giving up on going out and having a good time with drink and music and friends. I’m not what one of my friends calls a “dinner party gay” or what I have come to call a “board game and go to bed early gay.”

But I want a more traditional monogamous relationship, and sometimes I feel like those are going extinct. Like the stay at home mom…is it a dated idea?

Let me be clear for a moment. I do not think it’s appropriate or useful in any way to judge those who choose an open or “inviting” relationship. We are all working very hard for the political and social freedom to choose the types of relationships that we want, as part of the general gay rights movement, and it would be simply ridiculous to start judging our own for choosing an unconventional intimate arrangement. I’m all for it, and I say all the power to you if that’s what works best for you!

But, it’s not for me.

I’ve tried it before, with one of my first boyfriends when I was 25…someone who I still miss dearly. I think the arrangement may have even been partially for my benefit, as a way of getting around the idea that someone’s first relationship never lasts, because they have not been with many other people. Maybe the idea that I could get everything out of my system within the open confines of our relationship was a ploy to keep me longer term. But it didn’t work for me, and I was not comfortable enough with myself to be a tolerable boyfriend in that relationship. Ugh, how I so regret what he had to deal with.

I think it’s interesting how we all tend to define intimacy and love differently. Personally, sex is related to both for me. Sex isn’t love, but it’s one of it’s many expressions. Sex also isn’t intimacy, but it doesn’t usually happen without it. Sex also isn’t the only thing that separates friends from lovers, but it’s one of those things.

Others think about sex differently. It can be a physical activity, a vehicle for self validation, a compliment…or on the opposite side of the spectrum, it can be love itself. Or, a sin.

The point is that everyone places a different level of significance and value on various sexual and intimate activities, and after talking with one of my friends tonight we realized that those values can vary widely. For example, he told me about how he met a few different couples last weekend who had quite different rules about what they allowed each other to do in their relationship. One couple allowed all forms of sex with others except kissing. And another couple allowed everything with others except for intercouse.

This affects me in a couple different ways. One way that it affects me is that I have realized that, not only do I have to compete against every other single guy at a party or club for the attention of other singles, but I must also compete against a bunch of “taken” guys for the attention of the most eligible singles. These guys who are already in a relationship also tend not to disclose their status right away, so it is a little unfair of a situation. Whatever, not a huge deal. Selfish, maybe.

The other way it affects me is that guys I am interested in will often see the behavior of some of my friends and assume that I am also into open or inviting relationships. This turns them off, and they start asking a lot of probing questions. So I have to go into a whole explanation about how I am not like that and convince them that they can trust me. This has happened with 2 Mr. X’s recently, and one continues to ask for validation of my convictions.

Again, not a huge deal, and I think that anyone who takes some time to get to know me should not have any reason to worry. That is, if they are like me and not expecting and wanting the opposite - which is something I often worry about as well.

All I think I want to point out, at the end of this rant, is that the dating landcape is getting more and more complicated every day for gay men. For some reason everyone thinks that they have to completely reinvent the relationship, and that’s fine…except that I don’t, and think that my long standing ideal will eventually work out for me. Maybe in a way I’m just setting the record straight, and getting some frustration off my chest.

I’m back in Phoenix and happy to report that I just had probably the best weekend ever…in Orlando for One Mighty Weekend and Disney Gay Days.

To be really honest, last weekend was a bit of a test. I was considering retiring from the party scene for awhile. Why? Well that was my apprehension about not having goals and whatnot. I felt a little wary about continuing along this path if it was just going to continue to be more of the same. I figured that I have learned some things and improved myself at past events, and if I continued going to parties it would just be for purely hedonistic reasons.

Well that wasn’t the case, and this past weekend really showed me that there’s no limit to how much you can learn about yourself and others when you’re in this type of environment. Plus I’m really grateful for being able to spend some more bonding time with newer friends like Philip, Bernard, Kendall, Tony and Dallas Justin.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a fair bit of hedonism as well. Several of the 9 parties last weekend were just absolutely insane, and I never knew it was possible to have that much fun!

The desire to spend time with ‘people who are like you’ is strong and necessary for every gay man and woman. And after you jump into that sea of acceptance, joy and love…you come out of it, at the same time, both less and more of the person you once were.

Coming back home from a circuit party is a harsh transition from a created Utopia to the real world, where this acceptance and love can be hard to find. We have very real enemies here…and most of you who read this allow it to continue. Luckily, we come back stronger every time with less fear and more confidence in the people that we are and can be. And even if we get only a glimpse of the glory that’s possible in life, it’s a glimpse nonetheless, and that’s something.