Jerry Timms

Speaking of which the year is coming to an end, and wow it’s been a long year! I feel like I’ve crammed at least 5 years worth of experiences into one. But I guess you already knew that.

I’m leaving in a few days to go see my family for Christmas and relax a bit with everyone. Then I’m off to L.A. to stay with Philip and hang out with him, Bernard, Tony, DJ, Justin and Rich, and some of the other guys from San Diego. During the week between Christmas and New Year’s I’ll be working from my favorite WeHo Starbucks! Unfortunately Jerry can’t make it, but hopefully he will be able to come along on at least one trip this year, because I’ve had a lot of fun with him lately.

For New Year’s Eve I’ll be at the Masterbeat 2008 party at The Mayan. I was at the Masterbeat party last year, when it was at The Palladium, and this year’s party starts the whole cycle anew.

2008 is already looking to be another busy, prosperous and exciting year!

I’ve already booked everything for One Mighty Weekend in Orlando in May, as well as another Mexican Atlantis cruise in October. I’ll likely be going to the White Party Palm Springs again, and probably a few more parties here and there in between the big ones.

I’m selling my house to move closer downtown, where I’ve already picked out a loft that has the perfect urban feel I’ve been looking for. At the end of 2008 Phoenix will open its light rail system as the ASU downtown campus kicks into full swing, and all of us who live down here will breathe a sigh of relief as our town realizes a little more of its full potential.

Vicky has graduated finally, so hopefully I’ll be seeing more of her this year. I’d also like to see more of Deanna, and new friends like Mark and Andrea.

Work will not be any less exciting, as my biggest client gets even closer to a major transition in their business. I see fantastic and surprising things happening during the final stretch of this chapter in my career. Then, something new.

There is no Mr. X to speak of right now. However I am so much closer to knowing what I want, and I really had a great time getting to know some new friends this year. It’ll all happen some day, when it’s right…

I won’t bore you this time with an exhaustive review of the past year, because…well, you’ve been reading all about it. I’ve poured so much emotion into this blog! 2007 was definitely a year for working on the inside. Now, I’m ready to move on…and to go out into the world a stronger, happier man who’s ready to take on just about anything!

Thanks everyone for reading! This blog was a very important part of my life for the past year, but I don’t need it anymore.

For now, I’m turning the computer off. Call me

Last night I went to part of an “after funeral party.” I didn’t attend the funeral because I didn’t really know him very well, I had just met him a few times at parties and clubs. But some of my friends knew him better and they ended up inviting me to come over to a party at his house after the day’s funeral and religious activities.

I’ve never been to a funeral and I don’t have much experience dealing with death of people. My grandma died when I was about 10 years old and that’s about it. Even then, I wasn’t really close enough to her or old enough for the full impact to really hit me. When you’re young you have those nonsense visions of heaven and can easily deny that someone has died at all, they’ve just moved somewhere else that’s far better than where you’re at.

So there I was last night, standing in his kitchen watching some of his friends fumble around with drinks while they recanted stories from the funeral. What struck me first was a wall near the dining room table where someone had taped dozens of get well cards. I studied the emotion in the messages and signatures scrolled inside them, as some of it was tangible and some was not. Then, an equal number of frames displayed around the living room with pictures of him at parties and on vacation with his various friends.

The mood at the gathering was actually pretty light, as it should be to remember someone who liked parties. Either that, or everyone was trying their best not to get too wrapped up in the emotion of it all. However I felt like there were only 2 or 3 people in the room that were his very good friends, the best read I got was on one who seemed to think my mourning is a private matter. Another, surprisingly, said he wanted the CD changer in the living room - after bragging to all that would listen that he was only one who visited the deceased while he was in hospice.

Here was a gorgeous house, mercedes in the driveway, sparkling pool in the backyard, and various belongings displayed throughout. His fully equipped home office, itself an homage to the business he had built over the years. Everything days away from being liquidated, re-conveyed, and abandoned as deemed so by his brother. Old friends and newer friends getting drunk in his kitchen. A near stranger looking at his pictures, planning to write a few words…

I left early as I thought, so this is how it ends.

Synchronicity, not to be denied, has once again demanded some attention from me. This time, an interesting concept involving introspection and the slippery nature of emotional experience.

Probably more than anyone else, I like to analyze things. I mean I really like to analyze them…thoughts, feelings, motives, people, science, anything really.

If you share my fascination with this, you have also probably noticed that things sometimes tend to disappear after a considerable amount of analysis. Especially after looking at your own emotions, you might find that they are gone by the time you get close enough to figuring them out. Well, they’re still there…they just cleverly evade study.

This is how I can tell that I’m experiencing real human emotion, and not some compulsive self-rationalization. Real emotions disappear almost completely when you start to dissect them, while logical reasoning simply decomposes into its more palpable parts.

Could it be “real” love when we begin to tread into emotional territory that no longer seems to make any sense? I’m wondering because I’ve often questioned the validity of my feelings for another person, and that analysis could go on forever. But sometimes it feels like the reasons no longer matter, and like I could pretty much just surrender myself to whatever life has in store for me at the moment…and by “sometimes” I mean very rarely!

My natural inclination is to fight and not surrender that sort of control. Honestly I’ve always been afraid of getting hurt or disappointed - and I’m not just talking about dating, but also about friends and family and career. So rather than just laying all my feelings out on the line, I hide behind (what actually feels like a more natural) calculated emotional distance.

Maybe this is all important, maybe not. I don’t really care anymore.