God

11 01 2009

Something I haven’t really touched on yet. Why not?

For convenience, I describe myself as an atheist. I do have some beliefs about how things should be, and why they are the way that they are. But unless we’re going to to sit down for three hours to discuss them, I’d rather tell you I’m an atheist and be done with it. But since you’re sitting down to read this, I’ll open up a little more. :)

I’ve gone through a few stages regarding my religious beliefs. As a Catholic boy I went to CCD for many years, and my family was always at Church on Sundays. My mom is the Italian parent, and her side of the family was all about that. My dad was originally some form of protestant and then converted to Catholicism when I was young. We went through all the motions and I never felt too much pressure to strengthen or prove my religious devotion beyond just attending CCD every Tuesday after school and going to Church.

I remember the day I decided I wasn’t a Catholic anymore. My CCD teacher had traveled to some country in the middle east, and brought back these little amulets for us that were blessed at a site where the virgin Mary had been seen at some point in the past. My teacher wanted to give us each one, but only if we were really devoted to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all of the things we had been learning about. So we were asked to decide if we felt like we deserved one.

Strangely she then went into the classroom closet and told us to come in to see her, one by one, and we could privately tell her if we were really devoted or not. We would then receive an amulet, or come out empty handed. It was a test of faith…something fairly heavy for a twelve year old.

When it was my turn I went into the closet, looked at her firmly in the eyes, and said “no, thank you.”

She was surprised, and of course asked me why. I told her I just wasn’t convinced anymore of any of the things we had been learning, reading or discussing. That I had seen no proof. And, like Santa Claus, suspected that it might all be made up by someone. She told me to pray for the answer, and I returned to my seat in the classroom being the only one without an amulet around my neck.

In the car ride home, I told my dad I didn’t want to go to CCD anymore. I don’t remember what his response was, but I soon stopped going to CCD, never actually making it to my confirmation like everyone else in my family had.

Throughout later years religion continued to fascinate me. In college I minored in Philosophy with a focus on metaphysics. Years of intensive research, arguments and papers on the subject only reinforced the fact that I had still not encountered or received any information about an organized religion that sits anywhere close to my own beliefs. But many of the theories in my philosophy books spoke to me in new ways that the Bible never had. I’ve touched on a few of these…determinism, synchronicity, etc.

At one point I tried to describe myself as a pantheist, meaning that God is not a separate being but is actually everything in and around us. But then I read a rather convincing argument that pantheists are just atheists, because to say that one believes in everything is not really a religious statement at all, just an observation that nearly everyone would make.

It wasn’t until I discovered quantum physics that I started to realize science has the ability to answer many of the existential questions that, up until now, humans have attempted to explain with myth. The questions have always been valid, but I have chosen not to accept most of the answers by the world’s religions. They have their place in our species’ spiritual evolution, but they are definitely showing their age.

There are a few select theories that I like. For example, that the universe may have started out as a singularity and then exploded, and that once that explosion reaches a certain point it will start to collapse on itself again into a singularity. And so on, sort of like time rocking back and forth from beginning to end and back to beginning, ad infinitum. The reason why I like this is because it explains the idea of fate very well. There is most certainly one most efficient way for a universe full of crap to collapse back into a singularity, and I like to think we’re all a part of that. I know the scientists think the universe is still expanding, which may be true, but who’s to say that we aren’t equally a part of the most efficient way for a singularity to decompose into a universe full of crap? When you look at this from its highest level, we could either be in the expanding or the collapsing timeline without really knowing which one. Or both could be happening at once in intermingling dimensions (déjà vu?). I’m oddly comforted by all of this.

Quantum entanglement, among other things, is another favorite because it gets close to describing my hunches about energy and how people can remotely affect one another. If I say I think something has bad vibes, according to physics it just might. We don’t need to be fortune tellers anymore to say things like this, because we know that there is so much about the physical universe that we still don’t understand.

Most of the world’s religions are all necessary, and I don’t mean to be patronizing. I wouldn’t want them to vanish today. They have established strong civilizations, and kept them in decent working order through morality, ethics, education, health care and whatnot. But eventually I have to believe that the human race will sort of come to say, “Ok, we understand now what it takes now to maintain a healthy and civilized society. How do we teach these things going forward, and progress beyond these older religious institutions in order to get closer to the truth?”

Maybe religion becomes a mixture of physics and ethics, maybe integrating more modern day heroes in place of saints, or maybe something else entirely. Maybe aliens drop down one day and show us a whole new perspective that we haven’t even approached. I think most people believe that last scenario to be inevitable some day, and when it does it will completely change our perspective of the universe.

The bottom line is that I do not believe in a god. I do believe in a few things…which are that I should love as much as I can in my lifetime, strive to create environments where I am happiest and which do not hurt anyone, try to improve myself every day, and constantly try to understand and fulfill my purpose. And I do believe that there is a purpose, whether that be a gigantic universal collapse into a singularity, or some crazy outlandish Matrix-like thing where we are all plugged in as batteries into a giant robot power plant. But there’s something, and I think it’s currently outside of anyone’s understanding.

But, we’ll get there!





Surprise

5 01 2009

I’ve just finished pacing around the house a few dozen times, so I figured maybe it’s time I sit myself down and write for awhile. I really have no idea what this is going to be about, or if it’s going to go anywhere. But I’m getting into one of these crazy moods where it’s probably better that I just let myself emotionally vomit for awhile. It always feels better afterwards, doesn’t it?

I’ve changed. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, or even if I’ve noticed to what extent it’s happened. But I have a new outlook on life that is both exciting and a little harder to deal with at times.

As I’ve written about before, 2008 was sort of all about discovering love and what it means to me. Falling in love for the first time triggered it, and lately I’ve just been thinking about it and experimenting a little. Not just love but all the other related feelings that go along with it. I used to think I was pretty good at reading people, and I think I was, but now I can see a little deeper and I think my eyes have been opened to this whole other side of everyone. It’s a different read, and if you’ve seen any creepy stares from me lately then that’s what I’m probably doing.

And now I know why you’re all such a mess, ha! ;)

Anyway I think the chapter of Jerry being the most rational one is going to be on pause for awhile. How I don’t know, all I know is that my life is taking surprising directions and I’m going to enjoy it for what it is. I know this is ambiguous…I’m just writing it down for posterity and will keep the details private for now. ;)





The Governor’s VIP Lounge is open

7 09 2008

Well it’s been almost exactly 3 years…bankrupt contractors, lawyers, and countless gray hairs…but my vision of a swank rooftop patio lounge has finally become a reality at the Governor’s Mansion. Anthony and I just put together the finishing touches tonight, check it out!

The Governor's VIP Lounge

The Governor's VIP Lounge





Friends let friends make bad decisions

24 07 2008

Several years ago I don’t think I could have written any of this, and so I’m starting to realize what it’s like to get old. I’m a nagger. Sometimes more than others as my friends can attest. But, I do often find myself nagging people about making prudent decisions.

I’m well read, and have always had an uncanny ability to absorb information from encyclopedias and, more recently, Wikipedia. I’m also getting – ahem! – along in my years, and so inevitably I’m building up an ever-growing cache of life experience (translation: I’m old enough to have made a lot of bad choices).

Yes, I’m still “feeling the love.” But being rather content with that concept lately, I’ve changed my focus to friendship. And the reasons why friendships develop, are strained, or end.

I have a lot of friends who make really bad choices, almost on a daily basis it seems. But I have come to realize that sometimes, to be a friend, you have to let that friend make bad decisions and not persecute them for it.

However, that doesn’t mean I have to keep my mouth shut. If I have some bit of advice or wisdom to share, I’m going to. Not only that, but I do think we have some responsibility as friends to do so. The rub is when advice turns into preaching, into resentment, and into disappointment.

Some of you are a lost cause when it comes to some things, and regretfully there are several of you that will have to fall pretty hard before you change your ways. But I’ve said some things, you’ve listened. Life goes on, and I don’t expect any of my friends to be perfect.





Something different

1 06 2008

Anthony is doing some family things tonight, and I just got back home from spending some time with Rich and Justin at the mall. So I’m having a little snack and sitting down at the computer to see what comes out of this little writing exercise.

The house is quiet. I mean, it’s not, I’m playing some dance music on the living room stereo. But things are unusually quiet and, well maybe still is a better word for how it feels.

I haven’t really gone into it very much, but my life is totally different now than it was before I started seeing Anthony. We’ve pretty much been spending all of our free time together. In fact I’m leaving soon for a two and a half day work trip, and that will be the longest I’ve gone without seeing him for awhile.

That fact alone is kind of amazing to me, because I have been in some pretty long relationships before but I would never be able to say something like that. Even after a few years in the last one I don’t think we ever spent more than 3 or 4 days continuously together. That wasn’t necessarily my choice, because I know we used to fight a lot about how I thought he needed a little too much space. We pretty much just spent time together on the weekends, and then talked on the phone the other days.

Well, there’s definitely something different going on with this relationship. I have a lot of feelings about it, and surprisingly they aren’t really all that complex. It’s just fun to spend time with him. We like to do a lot of the same things, we have similar personalities, and we understand each other. There’s a lot of physical attraction. And time apart doesn’t feel like a break; it feels like time apart.

It’s kind of funny because on nights like this I suddenly remember that he doesn’t live here. I’m so used to having him around that I forget I actually live alone. In fact he called me while I was at the mall today because he wasn’t sure he had any clothes at his house to wear tonight to go pick up his brothers, and I kind of drew a blank about what to do because for some reason this wasn’t a problem I imagined having to encounter today. For a few different reasons…that he would not have a way to get into my house (a formality I forgot to take care of earlier), and that he would be getting dressed somewhere other than at my house.

We have a big vacation coming up that I’m excited about. I’m glad he’s coming and I’m also curious how he’s going to like it, since it’s a pretty busy party weekend. We went to San Francisco a few weeks ago to see Bernard, so this will be our second trip. The trip to San Francisco was really fun, but short. It will be nice to get away for longer, and to really have more time to relax. And by relax, I mean as much drinking and dancing as possible. :) I’m also looking forward to seeing some friends I haven’t seen for awhile, like Philip who’s been in a mysterious nesting mode lately.

In some ways I feel like “vacation” has already started for me, because I’ll be away for business for a few days and then I’m barely back at all until we leave for the real vacation. The business trip is really important, but I’m not too worried about it and I think it will go fine. Part of it will actually be interesting because I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before, and it will be fun to check out the city after work is done.





Spring Cleaning

5 04 2008

What if I told you that you can get your entire house cleaned for about $30? Impossible you say? Just take two of these twice a day for about a week and your house will be spotless!





Greatness never follows good timing

20 03 2008

I was inspired a few days ago to start the mental legwork for this post after reading an interview with Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco, in this month’s issue of The Advocate.

Mayor Newsom ordered the City of San Francisco to begin granting marriage licenses to gay couples in 2004. The marriages began on February 12, and about 4,000 couples were married by the city until the California Supreme Court stepped in 29 days later and stopped it. A case is still pending in court (with the City of San Francisco as the plaintiff) that will ultimately decide if the court will allow marriages statewide or not – that decision is due very soon.

Mayor Newsom is not gay. He followed his principles, and ironically he got a lot of criticism for it from the gay community. Why? Because nobody thought this was the right time to do something like this, and many believed for awhile that Mayor Newsom may have triggered a national backlash against gays that may have helped get Bush re-elected and get many state constitutional amendments passed to ban gay marriage. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t, although much new research is proving that the backlash and constitutional amendment momentum had already started well before Newsom decided to start marrying gay couples in his city.

Even his inner circle of advisers at the time thought it was very bad timing, and that the Mayor was likely destroying his political career. Asked how the final decision was made to go ahead with the marriage orders, he replies,

“The ultimate assessment was: So what? We talk about principles. And if you can’t stand for what you believe in, what’s the point?”

Mayor Newsom is my hero for this. But this post is not merely about gay marriage.

What other hopes and dreams do we all have, that are kept on the back burner because we’re waiting for something else to fall into place?

I want to be in a relationship, but I’m not where I want to be with my career yet. I want to get back into shape but I’m too busy with work right now to get to the gym. I want to get married but I have to save up for money for the ceremony. I want to move somewhere else but I haven’t finished fixing up my house yet. I want to start dating again but I’m not totally over my last relationship yet. I want to…

I have only recently been able to move my life forward again when I realized a few things. That everything is possible at every moment, and it’s never the right time. Everything else is just an excuse, because greatness never follows good timing.

I’ve come to understand over the last few weeks that I’m still limiting my own life experiences out of fear of being out of control. I avoid dating anyone who doesn’t fit what I believe is my perfect match, I don’t socialize with people who don’t share all of my core values, I pass on all activities that I think I may not enjoy.

Eventually all these useless limits we place on ourselves build up, and guarantee a boring life devoid of any change or development. Mayor Newsom didn’t get his state’s Supreme Court to look at gay marriage by waiting for the right time to flaunt state law, any more than you’re going to fall in love by waiting until your life is perfect before you start dating, any more than a gay man is ever going to make new friends by waiting for a complete lack of sexual awkwardness, any more than you’re going to get a ripped body by waiting for tons of free time to manifest itself for going to the gym. It’s all bad timing, so get used to it!

I’m not proposing that you live your life with reckless and careless abandon. But my hunch is that when you are at the end of your life, you will look fondly at the times that you stepped clear out of your comfort zone and changed everything about the life that happened afterwards.





Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic

18 03 2008

That was an email signature line I used a long time ago, a quote from Arthur C. Clarke, who died today. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of the impact he had on my life.

I have a very vivid memory being taken as a kid to Mann’s Chinese Theater in Los Angeles to see 2001: A Space Odyssey. I was a nerdy kid who had a telescope and books about UFOs and aliens scattered around my room. 2001 was one of the first movies I saw that I thought gave a realistic view of what human space travel might look like in the near future.

Childhood’s End, one of my favorite books, was also one of the few I have ever read cover to cover in one sitting. I studied this book and several of his short stories in my college science fiction class, fascinated with his ideas of technology and quasi-spiritual paranormal purpose.

I didn’t realize or know until I did a little bit of research today that he was also gay. Interesting. Well, cheers and thanks…

Arthur C Clarke





The propaganda is useless

17 03 2008

American public service ads and propaganda are so useless. It really bothers me, because I think they could be a lot more effective than they are if they would just offer some more realistic and factual information. Here are a couple of examples:

Stayteen.org
I was excited when I first saw an ad for this organization, because I thought maybe they were on to something. Telling girls not to get pregnant because if they do then they lose out on the rest of their teens? It sounded like a very realistic message to me. Well, that’s sort of the message…except that the website does nothing but preach abstinence. As I paged through the site, I didn’t see anything about safe sex…just information about “waiting.” Useless. There is no information to prove that abstinence programs are decreasing the rate of teen sex…in fact it’s been steadily increasing for many years.

The Meth Project
This one has irritated me ever since this billboard sprung up near my house. This campaign uses increasingly disturbing images to try to scare kids into never trying methamphetamines. The fact is that these are not the typical effects or faces of a meth abuser – in fact this lipstick one is plain impossible because meth doesn’t rearrange your teeth. Even the American Dental Association has admitted that meth mostly contributes to tooth decay by making users less likely to brush their teeth, more likely to have a high sugar diet, and not by any directly corrosive action. (Wikepedia: Meth Mouth) That’s not what the ads infer, is it?

The reason why it bothers me so much is because this is why these campaigns fail. They fail because there is a large disconnect between the public service ads and what kids actually see occurring with their friends’ experiences with a drug and/or sex. So they instantly write off any communicated dangers as government trash propaganda (which it is) and they go ahead and try drugs/sex anyway.

For once I’d like to see an accurate public service ad. Tell people that they can more easily get HIV if they do meth, because sex is more extended and they are six times more likely to forget to use condoms. Or that it is so much more addictive than the other drugs that it isn’t a good recreational drug choice. Or that it may get you fired from your job because your sleeping schedule will be screwed up and you’ll never be able to get to work on time, and feel awful in the process. I don’t care what it is, just say something accurate.

But if you tell people meth is going to make you look like your face exploded, well…that’s right about when they stop listening because we all know people who do or have done meth, and that just isn’t what typically happens, is it?

The fact is that there are some drugs that are legitimately very risky, and many are unaware of those real dangers because they are disregarded in public service campaigns for more sensationalized images that mean nothing.





Girl’s Night Out!

13 03 2008

I was laughing until I saw that she stole my opposite-aisle-direction trick.