Jerry Timms

We’re back from One Mighty Weekend in Orlando! I had a fantastic time and we are recovering quite easily and nicely from our party marathon week away from home. I won’t go through the details of all the parties…just do yourself a favor and go. Some year before you die, ok?

This week I visited my accountant to pick up my personal and corporate tax returns. I have to tell you, so much stress was lifted off my shoulders when I discovered that I didn’t have to pay nearly as much as I thought I would. In fact I don’t think I realized how much stress it was actually putting on me for the last few months, because I relaxed immediately after finding out how minimal the damage was. Sometimes you don’t realize how unhappy you are about something until you experience the rebound happiness that comes from having the situation fully resolved.

It reminded me of a time earlier in the week when I saw a sad look on Anthony’s face. I noticed him looking at something at Downtown Disney, and knew that he was distressed about some of his own financial troubles. I wanted to tell him that it’s just money, and he shouldn’t worry about it so much. It will more than likely resolve itself far faster than he thinks. I didn’t tell him anything, because I didn’t want to upset him further. And I waited until he told me about later until I said something.

So today I started thinking about how much all of our troubles really are just temporary.

I’d like to brag about how I know this for sure because I’m older than you, or wiser than you, or that I’m smarter than you because I’ve just figured out this realization out on my own. But none of those things are true…I’m thinking about this right now because of how ridiculously happy I am with my life!

Anthony is doing some family things tonight, and I just got back home from spending some time with Rich and Justin at the mall. So I’m having a little snack and sitting down at the computer to see what comes out of this little writing exercise.

The house is quiet. I mean, it’s not, I’m playing some dance music on the living room stereo. But things are unusually quiet and, well maybe still is a better word for how it feels.

I haven’t really gone into it very much, but my life is totally different now than it was before I started seeing Anthony. We’ve pretty much been spending all of our free time together. In fact I’m leaving soon for a two and a half day work trip, and that will be the longest I’ve gone without seeing him for awhile.

That fact alone is kind of amazing to me, because I have been in some pretty long relationships before but I would never be able to say something like that. Even after a few years in the last one I don’t think we ever spent more than 3 or 4 days continuously together. That wasn’t necessarily my choice, because I know we used to fight a lot about how I thought he needed a little too much space. We pretty much just spent time together on the weekends, and then talked on the phone the other days.

Well, there’s definitely something different going on with this relationship. I have a lot of feelings about it, and surprisingly they aren’t really all that complex. It’s just fun to spend time with him. We like to do a lot of the same things, we have similar personalities, and we understand each other. There’s a lot of physical attraction. And time apart doesn’t feel like a break; it feels like time apart.

It’s kind of funny because on nights like this I suddenly remember that he doesn’t live here. I’m so used to having him around that I forget I actually live alone. In fact he called me while I was at the mall today because he wasn’t sure he had any clothes at his house to wear tonight to go pick up his brothers, and I kind of drew a blank about what to do because for some reason this wasn’t a problem I imagined having to encounter today. For a few different reasons…that he would not have a way to get into my house (a formality I forgot to take care of earlier), and that he would be getting dressed somewhere other than at my house.

We have a big vacation coming up that I’m excited about. I’m glad he’s coming and I’m also curious how he’s going to like it, since it’s a pretty busy party weekend. We went to San Francisco a few weeks ago to see Bernard, so this will be our second trip. The trip to San Francisco was really fun, but short. It will be nice to get away for longer, and to really have more time to relax. And by relax, I mean as much drinking and dancing as possible. I’m also looking forward to seeing some friends I haven’t seen for awhile, like Philip who’s been in a mysterious nesting mode lately.

In some ways I feel like “vacation” has already started for me, because I’ll be away for business for a few days and then I’m barely back at all until we leave for the real vacation. The business trip is really important, but I’m not too worried about it and I think it will go fine. Part of it will actually be interesting because I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before, and it will be fun to check out the city after work is done.

by portishead

As she walks in the room
Scented and tall
Hesitating once more
And as I take on myself
And the bitterness I felt
I realise that love flows

Wild, white horses
They will take me away
And the tenderness I feel
Will send the dark underneath
Will I follow?

Through the glory of life
I will scatter on the floor
Disappointed and sore
And in my thoughts I have bled
For the riddles I’ve been fed
Another lie moves over

Wild, white horses
They will take me away
And the tenderness I feel
Will send the dark underneath
Will I follow?

Wild, white horses
They will take me away
And the tenderness I feel
Will send the dark underneath
Will I follow?

I have to get back to work in a bit, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write a few words down since it’s been awhile since I’ve written about anything substantial. I’m going to write about Mr. X again because things are going really well there.

Interestingly, two weekends ago I went to San Diego with Rich, Justin and Miguel, and was considering not dating him any longer when I got back. The reason was because we went to dinner the previous Thursday, and there was quite a bit of awkward silence during our date. Well, I sort of freaked out because I was worried that maybe we didn’t have enough in common to make this last.

I talked to Rich about it, and it was funny because he just sort of chuckled and said, “Oh yeah, the same exact thing happened on one of my first dates with Justin. I totally know where you’re at right now!” Rich and Justin have been together now for about 7 years.

At first I was confused by his response, especially the I totally know where you’re at right now part. Until I read between the lines. He was telling me that I’m freaking out because of my insecurity about the age difference (Rich and Justin have the exact same difference in age between them as we do). And sometimes an awkward silence is just an awkward silence. Hmm, I decided to give this another go.

Well I’m definitely glad I did, because after that weekend Mr. X totally opened up - as did I - and I like him more and more, and things get better and better every time I see him. Usually I’m afraid that the bad qualities of whomever I’m dating will rub off on me, but as I get to know more about Mr. X I hope that all of his qualities do.

What if I told you that you can get your entire house cleaned for about $30? Impossible you say? Just take two of these twice a day for about a week and your house will be spotless!

None of my friends have been around the last few weekends, so I’ve kind of just been doing my own thing lately. This has been great because it’s given me a chance to sort of feel my way around some new scenes.

So, I was at a party two weekends ago and the cuter, younger crowd reminded me of one of my friends. So I decided to call him and we hung out for awhile. Since then we’ve been spending most of our free time together, and he shall now be referred to as Mr. X…

But let’s back up a bit. A few months ago Rich and I were talking about boyfriends, and about how I was disappointed over someone or another (I honestly can’t remember who we were talking about at the moment). Rich told me something that really stuck with me ever since. He said that I would probably end up with someone I least expect. I thought this was odd, because I’ve always prided myself in knowing exactly what I want. So how could I end up with someone I least expect?

Last weekend I was out with Mr. X, and I kept expecting to find something wrong with him - or at the very least something that might prove that we didn’t have enough in common, or that he was in some other way not a good fit for me. But, that didn’t happen and I really enjoyed every moment with him, and felt so at ease and happy to be around him.

What’s really interesting about all this is how much I’ve learned about myself in the last couple weeks. Mr. X is not my typical “type” and is so much the opposite of this that I even found it a little awkward to talk about him to Jerry. I thought Jerry might think I’m crazy for pursuing this. But what’s crazy is that Mr. X has managed to show me in just a couple weeks that I may have been totally wrong about what I’ve been looking for.

I’ve typically been looking for someone my age or older, preppy and successful (with career, finances, etc.). However, I’m usually disappointed with guys because they end up being either boring, emotionally unavailable or unexpressive, romantically scarred, too busy to be bothered with dating…or some combination of two or more of those attributes.

I think I got it into my head a long time ago that I was only interested in older guys because I was generally way ahead of most of my peer group in terms of career, home and other life stages. After dating some guys who were rather flaky and emotionally immature I decided that my odds of finding someone more compatible with me would be higher if I limited myself to an older age group.

From there followed the bulk of my dating history which included guys who were so busy (the lawyers were the worst about this) that they could barely be bothered to go on a proper date or stay up past ten o’clock at night, guys who were so uptight with social anxiety that they couldn’t be in a crowd larger than a dozen people, and guys who were so romantically and emotionally injured from past relationships that they could never have committed to anything more than tenuous dating. Not all of them were like this, sometimes things just didn’t click fully into place.

Well, I’ve met someone who is none of these things. I can look in his eyes and tell that although he’s had some disappointments, he hasn’t given up. He likes to go out and have fun like I do. He hasn’t determined the rest of his life so rigidly that it’s going to be impossible to figure out how to fit me into it. And when he kept our first date even though he actually had strep throat, but didn’t want to cancel…well, he pretty much had me there. And with his edge and emotional depth that I find so incredibly sexy, I can’t keep my hands off him when he’s around me. If this works out to be a long term thing then you’ll meet him!

So there you go, as you can tell I’m gushing over this guy right now. I haven’t taken leave of my senses…I know it’s only been a couple weeks. Although I can tell you that I’m very excited because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way and learned so much about myself before. Those flashing lights come from everywhere. I’m in a little bit of a haze because everything I thought I knew about my romantic future has been swept away, and now I’m just watching to see how things unfold from here.

I was inspired a few days ago to start the mental legwork for this post after reading an interview with Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco, in this month’s issue of The Advocate.

Mayor Newsom ordered the City of San Francisco to begin granting marriage licenses to gay couples in 2004. The marriages began on February 12, and about 4,000 couples were married by the city until the California Supreme Court stepped in 29 days later and stopped it. A case is still pending in court (with the City of San Francisco as the plaintiff) that will ultimately decide if the court will allow marriages statewide or not - that decision is due very soon.

Mayor Newsom is not gay. He followed his principles, and ironically he got a lot of criticism for it from the gay community. Why? Because nobody thought this was the right time to do something like this, and many believed for awhile that Mayor Newsom may have triggered a national backlash against gays that may have helped get Bush re-elected and get many state constitutional amendments passed to ban gay marriage. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t, although much new research is proving that the backlash and constitutional amendment momentum had already started well before Newsom decided to start marrying gay couples in his city.

Even his inner circle of advisers at the time thought it was very bad timing, and that the Mayor was likely destroying his political career. Asked how the final decision was made to go ahead with the marriage orders, he replies,

“The ultimate assessment was: So what? We talk about principles. And if you can’t stand for what you believe in, what’s the point?”

Mayor Newsom is my hero for this. But this post is not merely about gay marriage.

What other hopes and dreams do we all have, that are kept on the back burner because we’re waiting for something else to fall into place?

I want to be in a relationship, but I’m not where I want to be with my career yet. I want to get back into shape but I’m too busy with work right now to get to the gym. I want to get married but I have to save up for money for the ceremony. I want to move somewhere else but I haven’t finished fixing up my house yet. I want to start dating again but I’m not totally over my last relationship yet. I want to…

I have only recently been able to move my life forward again when I realized a few things. That everything is possible at every moment, and it’s never the right time. Everything else is just an excuse, because greatness never follows good timing.

I’ve come to understand over the last few weeks that I’m still limiting my own life experiences out of fear of being out of control. I avoid dating anyone who doesn’t fit what I believe is my perfect match, I don’t socialize with people who don’t share all of my core values, I pass on all activities that I think I may not enjoy.

Eventually all these useless limits we place on ourselves build up, and guarantee a boring life devoid of any change or development. Mayor Newsom didn’t get his state’s Supreme Court to look at gay marriage by waiting for the right time to flaunt state law, any more than you’re going to fall in love by waiting until your life is perfect before you start dating, any more than a gay man is ever going to make new friends by waiting for a complete lack of sexual awkwardness, any more than you’re going to get a ripped body by waiting for tons of free time to manifest itself for going to the gym. It’s all bad timing, so get used to it!

I’m not proposing that you live your life with reckless and careless abandon. But my hunch is that when you are at the end of your life, you will look fondly at the times that you stepped clear out of your comfort zone and changed everything about the life that happened afterwards.

That was an email signature line I used a long time ago, a quote from Arthur C. Clarke, who died today. I wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of the impact he had on my life.

I have a very vivid memory being taken as a kid to Mann’s Chinese Theater in Los Angeles to see 2001: A Space Odyssey. I was a nerdy kid who had a telescope and books about UFOs and aliens scattered around my room. 2001 was one of the first movies I saw that I thought gave a realistic view of what human space travel might look like in the near future.

Childhood’s End, one of my favorite books, was also one of the few I have ever read cover to cover in one sitting. I studied this book and several of his short stories in my college science fiction class, fascinated with his ideas of technology and quasi-spiritual paranormal purpose.

I didn’t realize or know until I did a little bit of research today that he was also gay. Interesting. Well, cheers and thanks…

American public service ads and propaganda are so useless. It really bothers me, because I think they could be a lot more effective than they are if they would just offer some more realistic and factual information. Here are a couple of examples:

Stayteen.org
I was excited when I first saw an ad for this organization, because I thought maybe they were on to something. Telling girls not to get pregnant because if they do then they lose out on the rest of their teens? It sounded like a very realistic message to me. Well, that’s sort of the message…except that the website does nothing but preach abstinence. As I paged through the site, I didn’t see anything about safe sex…just information about “waiting.” Useless. There is no information to prove that abstinence programs are decreasing the rate of teen sex…in fact it’s been steadily increasing for many years.

The Meth Project
This one has irritated me ever since this billboard sprung up near my house. This campaign uses increasingly disturbing images to try to scare kids into never trying methamphetamines. The fact is that these are not the typical effects or faces of a meth abuser - in fact this lipstick one is plain impossible because meth doesn’t rearrange your teeth. Even the American Dental Association has admitted that meth mostly contributes to tooth decay by making users less likely to brush their teeth, more likely to have a high sugar diet, and not by any directly corrosive action. (Wikepedia: Meth Mouth) That’s not what the ads infer, is it?

The reason why it bothers me so much is because this is why these campaigns fail. They fail because there is a large disconnect between the public service ads and what kids actually see occurring with their friends’ experiences with a drug and/or sex. So they instantly write off any communicated dangers as government trash propaganda (which it is) and they go ahead and try drugs/sex anyway.

For once I’d like to see an accurate public service ad. Tell people that they can more easily get HIV if they do meth, because sex is more extended and they are six times more likely to forget to use condoms. Or that it is so much more addictive than the other drugs that it isn’t a good recreational drug choice. Or that it may get you fired from your job because your sleeping schedule will be screwed up and you’ll never be able to get to work on time, and feel awful in the process. I don’t care what it is, just say something accurate.

But if you tell people meth is going to make you look like your face exploded, well…that’s right about when they stop listening because we all know people who do or have done meth, and that just isn’t what typically happens, is it?

The fact is that there are some drugs that are legitimately very risky, and many are unaware of those real dangers because they are disregarded in public service campaigns for more sensationalized images that mean nothing.

I was laughing until I saw that she stole my opposite-aisle-direction trick.