Something I haven’t really touched on yet. Why not?

For convenience, I describe myself as an atheist. I do have some beliefs about how things should be, and why they are the way that they are. But unless we’re going to to sit down for three hours to discuss them, I’d rather tell you I’m an atheist and be done with it. But since you’re sitting down to read this, I’ll open up a little more.

I’ve gone through a few stages regarding my religious beliefs. As a Catholic boy I went to CCD for many years, and my family was always at Church on Sundays. My mom is the Italian parent, and her side of the family was all about that. My dad was originally some form of protestant and then converted to Catholicism when I was young. We went through all the motions and I never felt too much pressure to strengthen or prove my religious devotion beyond just attending CCD every Tuesday after school and going to Church.

I remember the day I decided I wasn’t a Catholic anymore. My CCD teacher had traveled to some country in the middle east, and brought back these little amulets for us that were blessed at a site where the virgin Mary had been seen at some point in the past. My teacher wanted to give us each one, but only if we were really devoted to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit and all of the things we had been learning about. So we were asked to decide if we felt like we deserved one.

Strangely she then went into the classroom closet and told us to come in to see her, one by one, and we could privately tell her if we were really devoted or not. We would then receive an amulet, or come out empty handed. It was a test of faith…something fairly heavy for a twelve year old.

When it was my turn I went into the closet, looked at her firmly in the eyes, and said “no, thank you.”

She was surprised, and of course asked me why. I told her I just wasn’t convinced anymore of any of the things we had been learning, reading or discussing. That I had seen no proof. And, like Santa Claus, suspected that it might all be made up by someone. She told me to pray for the answer, and I returned to my seat in the classroom being the only one without an amulet around my neck.

In the car ride home, I told my dad I didn’t want to go to CCD anymore. I don’t remember what his response was, but I soon stopped going to CCD, never actually making it to my confirmation like everyone else in my family had.

Throughout later years religion continued to fascinate me. In college I minored in Philosophy with a focus on metaphysics. Years of intensive research, arguments and papers on the subject only reinforced the fact that I had still not encountered or received any information about an organized religion that sits anywhere close to my own beliefs. But many of the theories in my philosophy books spoke to me in new ways that the Bible never had. I’ve touched on a few of these…determinism, synchronicity, etc.

At one point I tried to describe myself as a pantheist, meaning that God is not a separate being but is actually everything in and around us. But then I read a rather convincing argument that pantheists are just atheists, because to say that one believes in everything is not really a religious statement at all, just an observation that nearly everyone would make.

It wasn’t until I discovered quantum physics that I started to realize science has the ability to answer many of the existential questions that, up until now, humans have attempted to explain with myth. The questions have always been valid, but I have chosen not to accept most of the answers by the world’s religions. They have their place in our species’ spiritual evolution, but they are definitely showing their age.

There are a few select theories that I like. For example, that the universe may have started out as a singularity and then exploded, and that once that explosion reaches a certain point it will start to collapse on itself again into a singularity. And so on, sort of like time rocking back and forth from beginning to end and back to beginning, ad infinitum. The reason why I like this is because it explains the idea of fate very well. There is most certainly one most efficient way for a universe full of crap to collapse back into a singularity, and I like to think we’re all a part of that. I know the scientists think the universe is still expanding, which may be true, but who’s to say that we aren’t equally a part of the most efficient way for a singularity to decompose into a universe full of crap? When you look at this from its highest level, we could either be in the expanding or the collapsing timeline without really knowing which one. Or both could be happening at once in intermingling dimensions (déjà vu?). I’m oddly comforted by all of this.

Quantum entanglement, among other things, is another favorite because it gets close to describing my hunches about energy and how people can remotely affect one another. If I say I think something has bad vibes, according to physics it just might. We don’t need to be fortune tellers anymore to say things like this, because we know that there is so much about the physical universe that we still don’t understand.

Most of the world’s religions are all necessary, and I don’t mean to be patronizing. I wouldn’t want them to vanish today. They have established strong civilizations, and kept them in decent working order through morality, ethics, education, health care and whatnot. But eventually I have to believe that the human race will sort of come to say, “Ok, we understand now what it takes now to maintain a healthy and civilized society. How do we teach these things going forward, and progress beyond these older religious institutions in order to get closer to the truth?”

Maybe religion becomes a mixture of physics and ethics, maybe integrating more modern day heroes in place of saints, or maybe something else entirely. Maybe aliens drop down one day and show us a whole new perspective that we haven’t even approached. I think most people believe that last scenario to be inevitable some day, and when it does it will completely change our perspective of the universe.

The bottom line is that I do not believe in a god. I do believe in a few things…which are that I should love as much as I can in my lifetime, strive to create environments where I am happiest and which do not hurt anyone, try to improve myself every day, and constantly try to understand and fulfill my purpose. And I do believe that there is a purpose, whether that be a gigantic universal collapse into a singularity, or some crazy outlandish Matrix-like thing where we are all plugged in as batteries into a giant robot power plant. But there’s something, and I think it’s currently outside of anyone’s understanding.

But, we’ll get there!

I’ve just finished pacing around the house a few dozen times, so I figured maybe it’s time I sit myself down and write for awhile. I really have no idea what this is going to be about, or if it’s going to go anywhere. But I’m getting into one of these crazy moods where it’s probably better that I just let myself emotionally vomit for awhile. It always feels better afterwards, doesn’t it?

I’ve changed. I don’t know if anyone has noticed, or even if I’ve noticed to what extent it’s happened. But I have a new outlook on life that is both exciting and a little harder to deal with at times.

As I’ve written about before, 2008 was sort of all about discovering love and what it means to me. Falling in love for the first time triggered it, and lately I’ve just been thinking about it and experimenting a little. Not just love but all the other related feelings that go along with it. I used to think I was pretty good at reading people, and I think I was, but now I can see a little deeper and I think my eyes have been opened to this whole other side of everyone. It’s a different read, and if you’ve seen any creepy stares from me lately then that’s what I’m probably doing.

And now I know why you’re all such a mess, ha!

Anyway I think the chapter of Jerry being the most rational one is going to be on pause for awhile. How I don’t know, all I know is that my life is taking surprising directions and I’m going to enjoy it for what it is. I know this is ambiguous…I’m just writing it down for posterity and will keep the details private for now.

Just when I thought Arizona politics couldn’t get any nuttier, any trashier, and any more hateful…I see this, the new website for Prop 102. Prop 102 is our new gay marriage ban amendment. We voted down the last one in 2006 but, you guessed it, the religious nut jobs are back at it with a new one. Honestly, it’s things like this that make me embarrassed to live in Arizona. Check it out for yourself at http://www.prop102.com.

Well it’s been almost exactly 3 years…bankrupt contractors, lawyers, and countless gray hairs…but my vision of a swank rooftop patio lounge has finally become a reality at the Governor’s Mansion. Anthony and I just put together the finishing touches tonight, check it out!

The Governor's VIP Lounge

Party Foul Friday's at Homme Lounge in Phoenix. Forgive the inappropriate use of apostrophe and give it a shot.

That is, until I gave Homme Lounge in Phoenix a shot with their new Friday party “Party Foul Friday’s.” Party Foul is a mixed Friday Party at the haunted-house-style neighborhood lounge on Camelback Road and 3rd Avenue that has struggled for years to find its identity. Well I think it may have finally found it with the new wave of gay and reasonably tolerant straight hipster crowds that populate this place every weekend and dance to the type of music previously only available at the deceased hangout GLAM.

The music is Electro. The quirky DJs are apt to shout “Party Foul!” about every five minutes for no reason at all. And although they should really tone down the improvised rapping that their are prone to do with increasing intensity as the night wears on, they put together a pretty good set that gets about half of the crowd dancing on the sweaty dance floor. Wall projected visuals add a little interest to the lighting scheme that shows its frugality.

The crowd is hipster-eclectic. You will see straight punks, gay fashionistas, those “goth” geeks you remember from high school, and some run of the mill club goers. And…they all seem to get along. Or at least appreciate the je ne sais quoi each adds to one another’s evening.

The bad news? Homme Lounge still hasn’t figured out how to serve drinks. The upstairs lounge has been shut down by the City of Phoenix (along with nearly every other bar of interest in Central Phoenix), and so the only bar in this place is the semi-circle between the entrance and dance floor.

The bartenders are almost completely incompetent at what they aren’t even doing. Be prepared to wait at least 15-20 minutes to get your drink, as the 4 or 5 bartenders run around struggling to close and open tabs and keep their small areas stocked with the right mixers. It’s amazing to me that bars still haven’t figured out why they are in business. (Hint: your customers don’t pay you for the music and dancing.)

The insider secret? Approach the loner in the front of the line who you think will get served next, and offer to buy his drink if he also orders all of yours. It works, and drinks are so cheap here that it’s a small price to pay in order to get back to your friends on the dance floor. But don’t use this sneak attack too often or you will further confuse the system, if you can call it that.

Rich, Justin, Anthony and Me at Homme Lounge with some well earned drinks.

Homme Lounge
138 W Camelback Road
Phoenix, AZ
http://www.myspace.com/phoenixhomme

Several years ago I don’t think I could have written any of this, and so I’m starting to realize what it’s like to get old. I’m a nagger. Sometimes more than others as my friends can attest. But, I do often find myself nagging people about making prudent decisions.

I’m well read, and have always had an uncanny ability to absorb information from encyclopedias and, more recently, Wikipedia. I’m also getting – ahem! – along in my years, and so inevitably I’m building up an ever-growing cache of life experience (translation: I’m old enough to have made a lot of bad choices).

Yes, I’m still “feeling the love.” But being rather content with that concept lately, I’ve changed my focus to friendship. And the reasons why friendships develop, are strained, or end.

I have a lot of friends who make really bad choices, almost on a daily basis it seems. But I have come to realize that sometimes, to be a friend, you have to let that friend make bad decisions and not persecute them for it.

However, that doesn’t mean I have to keep my mouth shut. If I have some bit of advice or wisdom to share, I’m going to. Not only that, but I do think we have some responsibility as friends to do so. The rub is when advice turns into preaching, into resentment, and into disappointment.

Some of you are a lost cause when it comes to some things, and regretfully there are several of you that will have to fall pretty hard before you change your ways. But I’ve said some things, you’ve listened. Life goes on, and I don’t expect any of my friends to be perfect.

Anthony is doing some family things tonight, and I just got back home from spending some time with Rich and Justin at the mall. So I’m having a little snack and sitting down at the computer to see what comes out of this little writing exercise.

The house is quiet. I mean, it’s not, I’m playing some dance music on the living room stereo. But things are unusually quiet and, well maybe still is a better word for how it feels.

I haven’t really gone into it very much, but my life is totally different now than it was before I started seeing Anthony. We’ve pretty much been spending all of our free time together. In fact I’m leaving soon for a two and a half day work trip, and that will be the longest I’ve gone without seeing him for awhile.

That fact alone is kind of amazing to me, because I have been in some pretty long relationships before but I would never be able to say something like that. Even after a few years in the last one I don’t think we ever spent more than 3 or 4 days continuously together. That wasn’t necessarily my choice, because I know we used to fight a lot about how I thought he needed a little too much space. We pretty much just spent time together on the weekends, and then talked on the phone the other days.

Well, there’s definitely something different going on with this relationship. I have a lot of feelings about it, and surprisingly they aren’t really all that complex. It’s just fun to spend time with him. We like to do a lot of the same things, we have similar personalities, and we understand each other. There’s a lot of physical attraction. And time apart doesn’t feel like a break; it feels like time apart.

It’s kind of funny because on nights like this I suddenly remember that he doesn’t live here. I’m so used to having him around that I forget I actually live alone. In fact he called me while I was at the mall today because he wasn’t sure he had any clothes at his house to wear tonight to go pick up his brothers, and I kind of drew a blank about what to do because for some reason this wasn’t a problem I imagined having to encounter today. For a few different reasons…that he would not have a way to get into my house (a formality I forgot to take care of earlier), and that he would be getting dressed somewhere other than at my house.

We have a big vacation coming up that I’m excited about. I’m glad he’s coming and I’m also curious how he’s going to like it, since it’s a pretty busy party weekend. We went to San Francisco a few weeks ago to see Bernard, so this will be our second trip. The trip to San Francisco was really fun, but short. It will be nice to get away for longer, and to really have more time to relax. And by relax, I mean as much drinking and dancing as possible. I’m also looking forward to seeing some friends I haven’t seen for awhile, like Philip who’s been in a mysterious nesting mode lately.

In some ways I feel like “vacation” has already started for me, because I’ll be away for business for a few days and then I’m barely back at all until we leave for the real vacation. The business trip is really important, but I’m not too worried about it and I think it will go fine. Part of it will actually be interesting because I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before, and it will be fun to check out the city after work is done.

This morning the California Supreme Court declared that the State’s ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional. This effectively legalizes gay marriage in California.

For the last 3 years I’ve been making a substantial monthly contribution to Lambda Legal, as a proud Liberty Circle member. A lot of people do not realize that they are the ones fighting these ground battles. While HRC is involved with political work and supporting gay friendly candidates, Lambda Legal provides the attorneys and legal work for the court challenges like this one. Even better, any donations to Lambda Legal are tax deductible (donations to HRC are not).

Please read more about Lambda Legal and support us by clicking this link now.

Cheers! There will be many more victories like this to come!

…said my friend Vikram at the final closing party of our White Party weekend in Palm Springs. The lights were swirling, Tony Moran was spinning something amazing, the air was hot, and our friends were smiling everywhere…

Now, let’s rewind…

One year ago I came to the White Party Palm Springs with Rich and Justin. It was my first circuit party weekend and I was the most scared and excited that I had ever been. I had an amazing time, and I met more people than I could remember.

Fast forward one year, and literally everywhere I went I ran into a familiar and smiling face. I enjoyed meeting new people and introducing old friends to new, and spending time with those I rarely see. I realized over the course of the weekend that I have more friends now at circuit events than I do in my own town, and it really is becoming sort of a new home for me.

I feel like a new person each time. Sure I’ll always be Jerry Timms, but I’m changing slowly and I’m pleased with where it’s going.

My friend Jason came with us, and it was fun to watch him experience his first circuit party. I happened to notice one of the moments on Friday night when it all came together for him. I watched as a wave of happiness/euphoria/freedom swept across his face as he realized he could be anything or anyone at that moment in time. I think he’s hooked now just like the rest of us!

The title up above isn’t exactly true, since my boyfriend Anthony wasn’t there. I found myself missing him a lot, and the thought of going to One Mighty Weekend in Orlando in six weeks without him was a little unbearable. So, I’m happy that he’s decided to go with me! I’m excited for the chance to introduce him to all my friends who aren’t here in Phoenix, and the opportunity to show him what we’re up to with all this crazy traveling.

It keeps getting better!

What if I told you that you can get your entire house cleaned for about $30? Impossible you say? Just take two of these twice a day for about a week and your house will be spotless!