Jerry Timms

Burn Nightclub closed two weekends ago on January 19th, and some of us were there to see it off into the abyss that so many great dance clubs have fallen into in recent Phoenix history. For me this started with Crowbar, then Boom, and now Burn.

I’m sure the hetero clubs probably come and go all the time and nobody gives them a second thought, but since there are so few gay dance clubs in Phoenix we all like to add our own theories about why they “didn’t make it.” I’m no different, and since I’ve had a few weeks to think about I’m ready to present to you my Burn autopsy results.

Why did Burn close down as a gay dance club? The Phoenix New Times named Burn Best Gay Bar 2007 (although the reader’s choice was Amsterdam). It was barely more than a year old. But suddenly, and without fanfare, it was closed.

The official story is that it’s been sold, and will reopen again as an improved version of itself…likely a hetero club. But I don’t think this was a planned sale, as things looked bad for awhile before an unexpected and sale and close. I think the sale was Plan B, since a successful club would surely be held for longer than a year (business valuations are often some standard multiplier of last year’s revenue). The crowd volume slowly but surely diminished over time, and there has been barely more than a dozen or so patrons for many weeks.

Was it suicide or murder? Some have been quick to criticize Burn itself for poor management. To be honest, I would like to believe this was the case…because if poor management was to blame, then that means the Phoenix “market” can still support a gay dance club like Burn, and it makes it that much more likely that such a club will be opening again in the near future. If this really were the case, then these are the likely suspects. Note that these are mostly a collection of complaints I’ve collected from others…I was there until the very end, so I obviously didn’t have much of a problem with the place.

Pricing
Any time something other than a total dive bar is opened, some cheap queen is going to be there complaining about drink prices. The fact is that we get so spoiled on weekday 2-4-1 nights and happy hours that it’s a little bit of a shock to have to pay $5-10 a drink on Saturdays. However, the reality is that Burn was no more than $1 or $2 higher than average gay bar drink prices. (And they were definitely a little less than the typical Scottsdale hetero club prices.) My thoughts are that if such a small price disparity is going to ruin your night, then you might need to re-evaluate how much you’re drinking. It isn’t necessary to drink like a fish in order to have a good time…although if you can afford it, it doesn’t hurt

I’ve also heard complaints about the cover charge at Burn. For some special events it was $20, but 95% of the time it was only $5. For some reason the guys in Phoenix won’t think twice about paying a hefty $10-20 cover in West Hollywood, but have a problem paying a few bucks in Phoenix. This is an odd contradiction because we’d like Phoenix to become more like West Hollywood, but in the end we have a hard time placing that much value in it. However, if $5 is enough to make you think twice about going to a club then I think there are probably other more important reasons why you don’t like it.

Pricing Autopsy Results: Unlikely cause of death

Too Gay?

The most interesting complaint that I have heard is that gay Phoenicians are just not that into the gay bar scene anymore. I saw this recently on several online profiles and Myspace pages, as well as hearing it firsthand from some of the younger crowd. Could the days of gay bars be over? It does in fact seem as though everyone is coming out at an earlier age and is so much more comfortable with being gay, that they may no longer feel the need to go to a gay bar to be private about their sexuality. Many of us have been discussing the possibility of this scene (along with the circuit party scene) dying, although I’m not buying the argument as much as I used to.

The reason? Amsterdam and Charlie’s are still packed. There is clearly still a market for gay bars and clubs (technically Charlie’s is a dance club, as ghetto as it is). They are doing something right where Burn has failed.

Gayness Autopsy Results: Unlikely cause of death

Parking
An odd rumor began circulating town the end of Burn that parking was almost impossible to find. Well, I have to tell you that we (meaning Rich) drove most of time and never had a hard time finding parking along one of the nearby streets. And there are so many parking garages that sit almost empty around downtown Phoenix that it’s hard for me to believe that anyone would have a hard time with parking. It was clear that this rumor even reached the management at Burn, because they started sending out messages on Myspace that they would give you a free drink if you could show them a ticket from the nearby parking garage. Again, if this was enough to keep you from going to Burn then I think there were bigger problems with the club than this false parking problem.

Parking Autopsy Results: Unlikely cause of death

Traffic
Downtown Phoenix streets have been in a bit of a shambles over the last year while construction proceeds on the light rail project. Personally, the construction has been very exciting for me since I believe that the light rail will being more urban development to downtown Phoenix. But for some, the traffic associated with street closures, redirection and uneven paving surfaces is just too much to bear.

Especially for those who live in the suburbs (in the Phoenix area this refers to mostly everyone) this situation may force them to stay away from downtown Phoenix altogether until everything is clean and organized again to their liking. Those of you reading this from another metropolitan city may think this is ridiculous, but you need to know that Phoenix is not a town of “city dwellers.” Most of us who love cities end up moving away, and the rest of us who choose to stay will end up dumbfounded over the reasons why the artifacts of urban life continue to fail to take root in Phoenix; the supposed fifth largest city in the United States.

Traffic Autopsy Results: Possible cause of death

Aesthetics

By far the number one complaint I have always heard about Burn is that the layout of the club is too awkward. Indeed, when you walked in you would instantly fee like you are on the dancefloor (because you were) and the only bar runs the entire length of it. Those who are intimidated by dancing would not like the layout, and it was difficult to find an area to talk with friends without actually going outside to the patio. I agree that the layout could have been far better, and prefer clubs that have several distinct and private areas to socialize, as well as a dedicated area for dancing.

Aesthetics Autopsy Results: Possible cause of death

Marketing
From the beginning, Burn’s marketing was somewhat suspect due to their extremely poor website. It started out as a bit of a joke, because my website and Rich’s actually ranked higher for search terms such as “Burn Nightclub” than the real Burn website itself. When the website was launched it had several errors on it - for example, signing up for their event notification list always triggered an error message, and it was never fixed. It was never updated with new events or photos, and even to this day has not been updated to the fact that the club is closed down.

Now, their poor website is not even close to be being a plausible reason for the failure of the club - but I find that poor websites are a good indication of how much attention is being paid to overall business marketing, because a website is a relatively inexpensive and easy item to complete on any basic marketing checklist. And if the website was never finished or fixed, then what else was being ignored?

Marketing Autopsy Results: Possible cause of death

The Hotness Factor

I have never heard this explicit complaint from others, but it’s my own personal complaint against Burn. Honestly, there were never very many hot guys there. Sure, a few here and there, but it wasn’t a “hot crowd.” I mentioned that most people don’t have a problem spending a pricey cover in West Hollywood, but that’s because it’s well worth it for the ability to cruise a ton of hot guys. Not so with Burn, we’d be paying a cover to basically stare at a mediocre crowd…possibly a Phoenix-wide problem, but that’s for another time.

Consistent with my friend Jerry’s hypothesis, everything is motivated by sex. Without it, there’s nothing. Argue all you want, but you know its true. And for whatever reason Burn didn’t do a very good job of getting and keeping the hottest guys coming. Even on those “night out” photo pages in the gay rags, the pages were filled with a spread of the most fugly club-goers you’ve ever seen.

Burn started out with some pretty hot bartenders and waiters, but then their staff dwindled over time. In fact, I remember that the overall crowd started diminishing when Steven left. Probably a coincidence…I’m just saying

Hotness Autopsy Results: Possible cause of death

In the end, it appears that there may be several factors leading up to Burn’s death. However, there is likely one main cause that precipitated the other factors having more of an effect. I’m going to call it….it was the hotness factor. Although I would welcome any feedback to the contrary.

Well be careful what you wish for I guess, because parts of last night were a little bit irritating and I thought I’d share to see if anyone else has had a similar experience lately.

I went out to Burn and Charlie’s with Rich, and for some reason (I think because the gay softball world series is in town and there were a lot of out-of-towners) I got hit on constantly throughout the night.  Literally every time I would leave Rich’s vicinity to get a drink or use the restroom, I would be confronted by someone who was introducing themselves and asking me a lot of questions.  While I normally like this, and who wouldn’t on occasion, some of them were rather aggressive to the point of creepily following me around and appearing everywhere I was during the course of the evening.

I  would often be dancing, and literally turn to one side to see someone staring at me, and turn to the other side to see the same thing.  Come out of the bathroom, one is there waiting for me.  Getting poked all night by passers-by on the dance floor (yeah it was weird).  I was polite of course, and enjoying meeting new people, but I really think that I wasn’t getting my point across that I wasn’t interested in anything more than that.  At one point someone gave me their phone number, but I was quickly uninterested when he told me that he was only in town for a couple more days and wanted to go out with me.  Delete.

So this all comes down to one of my biggest pet peeves, which is guys who don’t get the hint and are inappropriately aggressive when I’m trying to relax and have a good time.  I am a very casual and tenuous person when it comes to meeting new people (it often takes me some amount of time to warm up to someone) and I’m really turned off by the aggressiveness and rapid fire questioning that happens at bars sometimes.  I also find it really awkward when someone wants to ask you out at a bar, because I really don’t feel like I know them well enough (or sometimes that I am sober enough) to make a proper determination if it’s someone I want to know on that level.  Ha, several bad decisions in the past have certainly made me a lot more careful about giving out my number.  I’d like to be friendly to everyone, but I really resent the fact that sometimes I feel forced to be blatantly dismissive when someone gets out of hand and doesn’t want to take the gentle hints I’m giving them.  I’ve tried the honest approach before, where I may politely explain why I’m not interested, but that has usually only led to unwanted debate or arguing.

Of course there are exceptions to all this if I have a strong gut feeling that someone is a match, but that’s rare.  That’s why you’ll often hear of me making dates after online chat rather than meeting in person at a bar or club, because when you chat with someone online you have a chance to research them a bit through their online profile responses.

Now that I’m thinking about all this, I can see a sharp contrast to the dynamics that I usually experience at circuit parties out of town.  It seems like everyone is not as inappropriately aggressive at those parties and it’s ok to meet someone, talk for a bit, share a compliment or two, and then move on to enjoy the scene and the music.  Saying hi to someone at those events doesn’t seem to commit you to having them stalking you all night.  There are exceptions to that, but they are few and far between. Those who don’t know anything about that scene may think that the opposite is true, that everyone is really aggressive and the environment sexually overwhelming, but it’s not like that at all - at least in my limited experience.

Friday night Jerry and I finally got Vicky to come out with us. We walked to the Arizona Center where we had dinner and wine at Uno, and then continued walking to Amsterdam afterwards for drinks. It was interesting to walk around downtown again and see the progress on the light rail. It seems like it’s almost done, but I guess there are still power lines lines to build and street and traffic direction infrastructure.

Walking on the light rail tracks down Central Avenue

When we got to Amsterdam, it was a light crowd, and Vicky even asked if it was closed down right before we went in. We found a larger crowd on the patio, and took some seats on the balcony. Jerry got awkwardly hit on by a lesbian. The vibe of Amsterdam has definitely changed since the opening of Burn, and I think it’s also being affected by the restrictive construction all around the building.

Aw, I missed Vicky!

Saturday night was Mark’s birthday dinner at Fate, where everyone had a delicious dinner but consistently disappointing martinis. One tasted like a margharita pizza (with tomato juice and basil) and one tasted like lemon pledge (with fresh ginger juice). The coconut curry is still my favorite dinner there, even if it does look a little like pea soup sometimes. After Fate we went back to Mark and Andrea’s place for a bit before heading back out to Burn, where we all had jello shots and vodka drinks. Rich and Justin stalked some of the waiters and Mark got appropriately birthday-drunk. Afterwards we hung out some more at Mark and Andrea’s before calling it a late night.

Andrea, Mark, Rich and Justin at Burn

Earlier in the week, Daren and I went to Seamus McCaffrey’s for some drinks and discussed the recent developments in our dating lives. Daren is back with Phaedra, but I’m pretty much out of luck with the original Mr. X’s. As I mentioned before…one is moving away and one really doesn’t seem to be interested at all, so that’s that. There are some possibilities out there still, and I probably won’t really go into them until I see where they’re going.

Diet and working out are still going well. I really like the supplements I’m taking - all from German American Technologies, which seems to be a pretty quality brand. Me and a lot of my other friends are taking the XC4 creatine, and I’ve also been taking the Stenandiol 3.0 system. Oh, and EAS 100% whey protein shakes. Overall I think they’ve helped me put on a little more muscle, and I’m happy to report that I don’t look totally hideous in a tank top anymore.

It’s hard to take pictures of yourself!

Well I haven’t done one of those “here’s what I did last weekend” posts in awhile, so that’s where I’ll start tonight.

This last weekend was one of the first full weekends in awhile where I’ve been in town (and not preparing for some imminent trip). So friday was nice and low-key hanging out at the Governor’s Mansion with Jerry, watching some episodes of heroes and drinking beer and eating pizza.

But the highlight was certainly the discussion, catching each other up on our recent activities…my vacation to Florida and his recent courtship and dating. Jerry’s been working so much that he rarely dates, so it was interesting to hear about this girl that it seems he really likes.

Saturday I did a bunch of yardwork, cleaned the pool (found a dead pigeon in the skimmer and put myself through a little bird flu scare), and then headed to Arizona Mills for some shopping. After buying some swimsuits and eating lunch, I headed north to Scottsdale Fashion Square for some more shopping and better people watching. Seriously, it was pretty hideous at the Mills…but oddly, not much better at Fashion Square. After a call from Rich, I decided to meet him, Justin, Mark and Andrea at George & Dragon for a late dinner, beers and conversation.

Later that evening we all decided to go to Burn for more drinks and dancing. We all had a good time, and from what I remember the music was good even though we couldn’t tell who the dj was that night (not Jeremy). After closing we ended up back at Mark and Andrea’s new fabulous place in Willo, where we talked some more and I bonded with their dogs.

Sunday I hung out at the pool for awhile before going with Daren to see Jerry at work. Jerry’s restaurant is having some sort of contest to see which location can sell the most wine, so we got a bottle of wine and some burgers. Well, all that talk about wine made the three of us decide to go back to Jerry’s place to drink a couple more bottles of it and watch a movie and some TV.

We saw Little Miss Sunshine. Although I was prepared to hate it (OK, Andrea!) I found it really interesting. Everyone in this family battles with some sort of failure, and if you get caught up in that then it would probably be a pretty depressing movie. But the most interesting character is actually this old yellow VW Bus. To get it going past second gear they all have to get outside of it and push really fast, and when it gets to third gear (I think? the explanation was a bit convoluted) then they all have to run alongside the thing and jump in. Sometimes pulled in.

They do this alot, because they take the Bus to California so this little girl can realize her dream of being in a beauty pageant. Everyone confronts their failures and insecurities along the way, blah blah. Family always pulls together, blah.

But I started thinking about that Bus, and thought it was actually a really beautiful metaphor for all of us and how sometimes in life we just find ourselves going nowhere and need the help of our friends and family to push us forward, and then get back on for the ride. Ugh, cheesy I know.

Well, this week I’m planning on getting a lot of work done. I’m also organizing the house…today was vitamin day. I’m a total supplement whore, and decide to clean out all the crap that I don’t even use. Tomorrow evening I’m cleaning out the pantry and then going out to dinner with Mr. X. You see how I just slipped that in there?

I just found out that Justin has a blog. Actually, he’s been blogging since May which is really creepy because it’s like he’s been undercover this whole time. Rich decided he’s gonna start writing a little more detail of his personal life and it’s pretty interesting. Both of their links are over there —->

I met with CPA today, and taxes for last year weren’t nearly as bad as I thought they’d be. In fact, I saved a little too much reserve to pay them. So, maybe I’ll buy a TV.

Last night was our UFC Core party at Vicky’s house where we drank, ate, and watched the homoerotic spectacle known as UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) on pay-per-view. We also got a chance to see Jason and meet some of the members of Vicky’s secret social group.

Honestly? It seems gay just to watch this UFC stuff. I have no idea what the straight people get out of watching nearly naked guys rolling around in near simulated sex scenes. I asked Jerry about this later in the night, and he tried to explain that it’s not gay if punches are also being thrown. I think all the other guys in the room would have made similar statements if asked. If, like me, your BS meter is getting a suspicious reading from that statement, well…

This is Alessio Sakara from the weigh-in before UFC 70. Weigh-ins are indistinguishable from underwear photo shoots.

Bruce Weber directed this weigh-in of Rich Clementi

This move is actually called The Anaconda

I think this is called frottage

Another example of The Anaconda. That look of pain on his face tells you this isn’t gay.

This is what’s known as a power bottom

Honestly, these captions just write themselves at this point

I’m not going to harp on this too long, because a lot of straight guys don’t like being backed into a corner where they have to admit to themselves that they enjoy a little homoerotic display now and then. Personally I enjoyed the fight. And even though it’s an odd culture I can certainly appreciate it for what it is…soft core porn.

Note how girls are used in the background of the weigh-ins so that all those guys don’t feel completely gay for assembling to watch two UFC fighters strip down to their underwear…

So you see what I’m saying about this thinly veiled homoeroticism. I mean, I almost lost it last night when Joe Rogan started talking about how one fighter was “giving him the Anaconda from behind.” Ok.

Later in the night, some sort of tension developed about what to do after the fight was over. I’m not really sure how that started or what it was really about, but I ended up feeling a little uncomfortable about it.

Deanna and I headed back to the Governor’s Mansion where we decided to get a cab and meet Jerry out at a new bar for us called Bar Smith. It’s an interesting space next door to Burn, and we remarked how the crowd was a similar version of Scottsdale. After Jerry left just a little early due to an early work day he had planned, Deanna and I went next door to Burn where we were really surprised that they wanted us to pay $20 cover for the remaining hour that they would be open. So after nixing that idea, we walked to Seamus McCaffrey’s to have a few drinks with Daren.

So, there you have it. I’m going now to do some more UFC research…

Sorry but I’ve been too negative lately and I just couldn’t help but to gush about the great night that I had tonight.

After some encouragement from Justin about being more aggresive, the second (you know there are two, right?) Mr. X met me at Burn where, of course, we ended up on the dance floor and had a great time.

I was a bit more honest tonight about my intentions, they were well received, and things really fell into place.

Hot.

Wow, so I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been putting it off, and that’s a bad habit to get into! But just to give you a warning, I’m in a little bit of a complaining mood…

So to catch all my friends stalkers up, I’ve been sick for the last few days. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s more like a cold than anything, and I think it’s getting better today so I’m just gonna wait it out I think. Honestly, I love the friendly goodbye kiss thing, but I may have to start enforcing a no-kiss rule! I think working at home has weakened my immune system…I’m just not exposed to very many people anymore.

Last Thursday was Dining Our For Life. We went to Cibo in Phoenix, and I really liked the antipasto and sandwich. We planned on having pizza, but the pizza chef had to leave at the last minute to attend to his wife’s childbirth. Then we thought we’d break out of our mold and check out a few other bars - like Apollo’s which was tiny and had some drag queen shouting incessantly into a mic, and Cruisin 7th which promised strippers who basically hid in the laps of old men all night while the bartender made odd gestures at me with his elbow.

Saturday was…you guessed it, Burn, and then to Charlie’s where I’m now convinced an evil vortex awaits me every time.

Dating sucks, and that’s about all I have to say about that. Actually, no I do have more to say about that….but, another time.

Today wrapped up 2 days of house painting at the Governor’s mansion, and things look really good…except it cost way more than I thought it would, so I was pretty disappointed with the project.

I am actually not that surprised that things haven’t been working out so well for me lately, as I have often swung back and forth between good times and bad…it’s just sort of the way things always are for me. So when things get to be like they are now I typically just try to lay low and get all my thoughts together, fix the problems that surface, and decide what I really want/need. I’m at a bit of a loss right now as far as what I want, so maybe that’s part of the problem.

Thursday I intended to get back to my workout program with Daren and Jerry, after taking a few days off after White Party to make sure my body properly recovers from the excitement of the weekend. But I decided at the last minute to take an extra day off, and instead headed out with Jerry and Daren for some drinks and adventure.

Jerry and Daren wanted to go to “The Armadillo” but I protested on account of a) that it’s a restaurant, and b) the last time I dove by the place they were advertising their “World Famous Fried Pickles.” Ha, I’m sure they’ll leave comments trying to convince me that it’s not a restaurant…but it is. The last few times they tried taking me to restaurant dive bars I have been less than pleased (yes I’m a little picky and stuck in my ways when it comes to night time drink venues), so I tried to spice things up by offering a night at Burn for the new Club Mistress event. After hearing the words “lesbian S&M” Jerry quickly agreed and we were on our way.

Upon passing Burn, we noted that there wasn’t much of a crowd yet, so we decided to go to “The Irish Bar” for a couple beers first.

Daren at Seamus McCaffrey’s pretending the stains in the ceiling aren’t there

After a couple beers and Jerry and Daren’s game of video bowling, we walked down to Burn. Burn was moderately attended for a Thursday, and after sharing some weekend stories with Angela some of the entertainment began.

See Daren, you shouldn’t have left early!

—

On Friday night, Philip and Rob got in town for pride weekend. Rob is the super nice guy that I met last weekend at the White Party, known to the rest of the gang since their trip to Montreal last year, who lives in London right now. So I went out with Rob, Philip, Rich and Justin to Burn again for drinks. We met up with Bruce and Tracy, and Mike and Nate for some casual talk, dancing and drinks.

Rob and Tracy

Mike and Nate

Rich

Justin, Travis and Philip

For the After-Burn, we went to Charlie’s for some dancing and pigging out on super nachos grande delux and carne asada burritos from the taco cart. As is typical with Charlie’s, the evening was a little awkward between confrontations with drunk queens and when I was slammed in the eye by the hat bill of a drunk mess plowing into the bathroom. Odd energy lives at Charlie’s, and I have no idea why I keep going back. Eh, live and learn.

So now it’s offiicially Pride weekend in Phoenix, and we’ll be headed out to the Adonis Party tonight at the Icehouse venue in downtown Phoenix. Interesting to note that my attendance at this party last year immediately precluded a breakup with my last boyfriend. I actually went last year by myself. So I’m glad that this year things are under different curcumstances, and I know I’ll have a good time with friends.

Well last night was the Core event with Jerry, Vicky, and Deanna. We went to La Cage Aux Folles at the Arizona Broadway Theater, to Burn where we met Daren, Rich and Justin for dancing and drinks in our VIP cabana, and then finished the night at the governors mansion. I didn’t acually end up with as many pictures as I thought, but we all had a great time and it was fantastic as usual to see everyone!

Here are some pictures from last weekend…

Friday night I went with Rich and Justin to the Red Magazine anniversary party at Burn. The club actually cleared out pretty early, and it felt like we had the place to ourselves!

Saturday evening I was invited over for a St. Patrick’s Day dinner at Mary Lou’s house (that’s Jerry and Vicky’s mom). Dinner was delicious, and afterwards we played an Ireland trivia game. In this pic you can see Mary Lou reading a question while everyone gets excited to blurt out the answer! Mary Lou always goes all out for holidays, and I’m always amazed at the traditions that their family has for each one!

Saturday night started at Fate for an after dinner drink with Rich, Justin, Mark and Andrea. Then we headed to Burn for dancing and more drinks. Notice how hard I’m working on my tan for the White Party? Oddly, I was the only one wearing green.

Sunday night, Rich and Justin called me up to go to dinner with them since they were in the area “taking a drive.” Well, I knew right away why they were in central Phoenix, and that’s because they were looking at neighborhoods and houses! Even though they recently decided they were going to move to LA sometime soon, I think they are starting to get cold feet because of the prices there. So it seems that a move to central Phoenix might be a good compromise for awhile…they get to be in a more urban setting than they’re in now, without having to commit to a much more dramatic move to Los Angeles.

So anyway we went to dinner at Ticoz, where the food is delicious and the waiters make you blush by remembering really old online conversations. Then we decided to go to Padlock for drinks, where we all took our shirts off so that we could get the drinks for half price. It was actually a really odd and unpredictable day, but fun of course. See Rich and Justin, you can’t do this stuff in Mesa!