Jerry Timms

I have to get back to work in a bit, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write a few words down since it’s been awhile since I’ve written about anything substantial. I’m going to write about Mr. X again because things are going really well there.

Interestingly, two weekends ago I went to San Diego with Rich, Justin and Miguel, and was considering not dating him any longer when I got back. The reason was because we went to dinner the previous Thursday, and there was quite a bit of awkward silence during our date. Well, I sort of freaked out because I was worried that maybe we didn’t have enough in common to make this last.

I talked to Rich about it, and it was funny because he just sort of chuckled and said, “Oh yeah, the same exact thing happened on one of my first dates with Justin. I totally know where you’re at right now!” Rich and Justin have been together now for about 7 years.

At first I was confused by his response, especially the I totally know where you’re at right now part. Until I read between the lines. He was telling me that I’m freaking out because of my insecurity about the age difference (Rich and Justin have the exact same difference in age between them as we do). And sometimes an awkward silence is just an awkward silence. Hmm, I decided to give this another go.

Well I’m definitely glad I did, because after that weekend Mr. X totally opened up - as did I - and I like him more and more, and things get better and better every time I see him. Usually I’m afraid that the bad qualities of whomever I’m dating will rub off on me, but as I get to know more about Mr. X I hope that all of his qualities do.

None of my friends have been around the last few weekends, so I’ve kind of just been doing my own thing lately. This has been great because it’s given me a chance to sort of feel my way around some new scenes.

So, I was at a party two weekends ago and the cuter, younger crowd reminded me of one of my friends. So I decided to call him and we hung out for awhile. Since then we’ve been spending most of our free time together, and he shall now be referred to as Mr. X…

But let’s back up a bit. A few months ago Rich and I were talking about boyfriends, and about how I was disappointed over someone or another (I honestly can’t remember who we were talking about at the moment). Rich told me something that really stuck with me ever since. He said that I would probably end up with someone I least expect. I thought this was odd, because I’ve always prided myself in knowing exactly what I want. So how could I end up with someone I least expect?

Last weekend I was out with Mr. X, and I kept expecting to find something wrong with him - or at the very least something that might prove that we didn’t have enough in common, or that he was in some other way not a good fit for me. But, that didn’t happen and I really enjoyed every moment with him, and felt so at ease and happy to be around him.

What’s really interesting about all this is how much I’ve learned about myself in the last couple weeks. Mr. X is not my typical “type” and is so much the opposite of this that I even found it a little awkward to talk about him to Jerry. I thought Jerry might think I’m crazy for pursuing this. But what’s crazy is that Mr. X has managed to show me in just a couple weeks that I may have been totally wrong about what I’ve been looking for.

I’ve typically been looking for someone my age or older, preppy and successful (with career, finances, etc.). However, I’m usually disappointed with guys because they end up being either boring, emotionally unavailable or unexpressive, romantically scarred, too busy to be bothered with dating…or some combination of two or more of those attributes.

I think I got it into my head a long time ago that I was only interested in older guys because I was generally way ahead of most of my peer group in terms of career, home and other life stages. After dating some guys who were rather flaky and emotionally immature I decided that my odds of finding someone more compatible with me would be higher if I limited myself to an older age group.

From there followed the bulk of my dating history which included guys who were so busy (the lawyers were the worst about this) that they could barely be bothered to go on a proper date or stay up past ten o’clock at night, guys who were so uptight with social anxiety that they couldn’t be in a crowd larger than a dozen people, and guys who were so romantically and emotionally injured from past relationships that they could never have committed to anything more than tenuous dating. Not all of them were like this, sometimes things just didn’t click fully into place.

Well, I’ve met someone who is none of these things. I can look in his eyes and tell that although he’s had some disappointments, he hasn’t given up. He likes to go out and have fun like I do. He hasn’t determined the rest of his life so rigidly that it’s going to be impossible to figure out how to fit me into it. And when he kept our first date even though he actually had strep throat, but didn’t want to cancel…well, he pretty much had me there. And with his edge and emotional depth that I find so incredibly sexy, I can’t keep my hands off him when he’s around me. If this works out to be a long term thing then you’ll meet him!

So there you go, as you can tell I’m gushing over this guy right now. I haven’t taken leave of my senses…I know it’s only been a couple weeks. Although I can tell you that I’m very excited because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way and learned so much about myself before. Those flashing lights come from everywhere. I’m in a little bit of a haze because everything I thought I knew about my romantic future has been swept away, and now I’m just watching to see how things unfold from here.

I was inspired a few days ago to start the mental legwork for this post after reading an interview with Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco, in this month’s issue of The Advocate.

Mayor Newsom ordered the City of San Francisco to begin granting marriage licenses to gay couples in 2004. The marriages began on February 12, and about 4,000 couples were married by the city until the California Supreme Court stepped in 29 days later and stopped it. A case is still pending in court (with the City of San Francisco as the plaintiff) that will ultimately decide if the court will allow marriages statewide or not - that decision is due very soon.

Mayor Newsom is not gay. He followed his principles, and ironically he got a lot of criticism for it from the gay community. Why? Because nobody thought this was the right time to do something like this, and many believed for awhile that Mayor Newsom may have triggered a national backlash against gays that may have helped get Bush re-elected and get many state constitutional amendments passed to ban gay marriage. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t, although much new research is proving that the backlash and constitutional amendment momentum had already started well before Newsom decided to start marrying gay couples in his city.

Even his inner circle of advisers at the time thought it was very bad timing, and that the Mayor was likely destroying his political career. Asked how the final decision was made to go ahead with the marriage orders, he replies,

“The ultimate assessment was: So what? We talk about principles. And if you can’t stand for what you believe in, what’s the point?”

Mayor Newsom is my hero for this. But this post is not merely about gay marriage.

What other hopes and dreams do we all have, that are kept on the back burner because we’re waiting for something else to fall into place?

I want to be in a relationship, but I’m not where I want to be with my career yet. I want to get back into shape but I’m too busy with work right now to get to the gym. I want to get married but I have to save up for money for the ceremony. I want to move somewhere else but I haven’t finished fixing up my house yet. I want to start dating again but I’m not totally over my last relationship yet. I want to…

I have only recently been able to move my life forward again when I realized a few things. That everything is possible at every moment, and it’s never the right time. Everything else is just an excuse, because greatness never follows good timing.

I’ve come to understand over the last few weeks that I’m still limiting my own life experiences out of fear of being out of control. I avoid dating anyone who doesn’t fit what I believe is my perfect match, I don’t socialize with people who don’t share all of my core values, I pass on all activities that I think I may not enjoy.

Eventually all these useless limits we place on ourselves build up, and guarantee a boring life devoid of any change or development. Mayor Newsom didn’t get his state’s Supreme Court to look at gay marriage by waiting for the right time to flaunt state law, any more than you’re going to fall in love by waiting until your life is perfect before you start dating, any more than a gay man is ever going to make new friends by waiting for a complete lack of sexual awkwardness, any more than you’re going to get a ripped body by waiting for tons of free time to manifest itself for going to the gym. It’s all bad timing, so get used to it!

I’m not proposing that you live your life with reckless and careless abandon. But my hunch is that when you are at the end of your life, you will look fondly at the times that you stepped clear out of your comfort zone and changed everything about the life that happened afterwards.

I was laughing until I saw that she stole my opposite-aisle-direction trick.

So speaking of work, my client requested some custom online financial reports several weeks ago. Rich, who works as a database consultant for the same client, worked with him on creating those reports. Our client came up with several types of criteria that he wanted to choose from when viewing those reports online…such as campaign data that had a certain amount of ad spend, or a certain amount of ad impressions, etc. He thought that if he could choose the exact criteria that he wanted to see in the online report, each time he ran a report on this particular reporting website, then he wouldn’t waste time by having to look at data he wasn’t interested in at the time.

He kept calling these sets of custom criteria “rules.” He even wanted to name them rule 1, rule 2, rule 3, etc. I don’t want to get too deep into this story, but understand that Rich and I kept getting confused because in the IT world these aren’t called rules, it would be more accurate to call them queries - or a form of sorting criteria. Once we decided to stop thinking of them as rules, even though our client insisted on forever calling them that, things made a little more sense to us and we could move forward on the project.

I know…blah blah database, blah queries, data blah. Well, for the last few days I’ve been thinking about the difference between rules and sorting criteria. Why? Because I’ve met someone I’m interested in, and it’s always an interesting process I go through after meeting someone new trying to figure out my feelings about them. It’s too early to try to predict how things will go with this new Mr. X, but so far I can at least tell that I like him. I’m a really analytical guy, so I usually try to put my emotions aside and try to determine if my feelings meet some standard set of objective tests. Yeah, I’m crazy.

Now don’t pretend like you don’t have a bunch of crazy ass tests you put your dates through, because I know you do! I have a ton of them. But it’s been awhile since anyone has passed some of the initial ones. Like…

The memorability test
It’s easy to have nice thoughts about your date when they are right in front of your face, or immediately before or after the date. But, do you think about them throughout the rest of the day or week? I have met some really great guys who I thought met all of my expectations and requirements, but I would completely forget about them a few hours or days after the date. Sometimes my friends would even ask me how my date went, and I would really have to think about it for a second because I forgot! If I find myself thinking about the person throughout various times of the day, and especially if I continually think of stories I want to tell him when I see him next, then I know it’s more than just casual interest.

The compliment test
I hate giving complements. Just ask any of my friends, they hardly ever get any from me…and if I do give them out I’m rarely ever able to keep a straight face while doing so, or able to avoid turning them into a sarcastic joke of some sort. And if a guy is hot, it really pains me to give him a compliment. I can just visualize his head getting bigger by the second, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to contribute to that! However if I find myself unable to fight the urge to hand out a compliment, and compliment a date on his looks…well, that’s something.

There are probably dozens more of these that I could write about. There are also the standard tests of intellect, emotional intelligence, culture, style, ambition, ability, health, wealth, etc. I’m not going to give away all my secrets here! But none of these are rules, because to me that would imply a strict exclusion if any of them weren’t met. I prefer sorting criteria because they really just focus my attention on those who hold the best possibility for being a good match.

Of course, this is all just an attempt to try to quantify the intangible qualities of others that draw us to them. What makes someone more memorable than someone else, even when all factors are seemingly equal? I’m not sure yet but it’s nice to find someone who has those elusive attributes, whatever they are.

Ok, now your turn. If you’re reading this, tell me what some of your compatibility tests are!

Last Saturday and tonight were fun…hanging out with friends, talking, meeting new people, dancing, drinking, etc. That’s what I enjoy lately.When it comes to my personal life, sex hasn’t been anywhere near the top of my priority list for at least the last year or so. And that’s because I’m really looking for sort of a different connection. Sex eventually happens when a good intellectual connection has been made and chemistry is allowed to develop over some amount of time until it feels right. That could be one date or several (it’s usually at least a couple, but I don’t have a magic number).

But I am really very far from some of my friends who treat sex like more of a game of conquest (or even an idle hobby) than anything else. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually knows how to make true friends anymore, and for good reason. In their defense though, I was the same way when I was younger…and I think it’s just something you grow tired of when you start to see something more important missing from your life. When you’re young you should have (somewhat responsible) fun and explore the terrain, and not be in a hurry to grow up. When some people get older they may want something a little more stable and fulfilling.

I was talking to one of my friends tonight about the upcoming cruise (my goings on about the cruise are far from over), and they asked if I bought all of my condoms, etc. for the trip. My answer was no, because I really don’t plan to take part in any of that on the cruise. (I believe I described it as a floating disease tank, ha.) I’m really just going to hang out with my friends and have a good time. Of course I’ll be prepared just in case, but it isn’t really something I’m going to spend much time thinking about.

Tonight drove this point home a little more for me because there was ample opportunity. There always is for gay men…give a reasonably attractive guy 5 minutes and he can hook up with someone else who’s reasonably attractive and have a reasonably good time. That part’s not a challenge.

The challenge is finding the infamous “love connection” and it’s something that can’t be planned or forced. You just have to be open to it and, I think, learn at least one lesson from every connection that doesn’t work out. Love should take practice too, right? Obviously staying at home isn’t going to get you anywhere, so you can make little choices here and there that make it more likely to happen.  Like going out where other people like you are likely to be, giving compliments where they’re deserved, being somewhat open minded and genuinely curious about others.

So there you have it. Love is missing and sex is not. And I’m tired so I’ll bid you adieu until next time. 

Something a friend said last weekend really stuck with me for the last few days. She, being single, said that she’s starting to notice a lot more single and eligible men come back into the dating pool lately. It seems that for awhile she observed that all the eligible men were married, but now she’s noticing that some of them are coming out of their first divorces and ready to date again. So the dating pool has actually improved as she gets ready to enter her 30’s.

Hmm. I thought about this for a moment, and realized that we have sort of a similar cyclical thing going on in the gay dating pool, although it’s different of course. I think that gay men tend to pass through a pre-midlife-crisis in their early 30’s. Straight men do, too, but gay men really kick it up an extra notch! As I look around online, I mostly either see guys in their early 20’s looking to date, or in their late 30’s looking to date. The late 20’s and early 30’s tend to be the partiers and the compulsives. There’s also some gay generational analysis I could do here, but that would just be exhausting.

So as I look around (and I’m not afraid to admit that I’m looking, I mean we’re all friends right?), I have often been faced with dating someone quite a bit older or younger than I am. And that’s hard to do, because generational differences are defined by so few years in this community. I realize more and more that I’m looking for someone like me (and hopefully around my age) that has one foot in the travel/party scene, and one foot in the real world trying to build a career and home and life. Someone fun but not crazy, responsible but not uptight. Someone who will grab life by the balls and do something wonderful with it!

And that’s rare, so it seems. I mentioned something in a last post about being picky, and I’m not giving that up. I’ll always be picky, as that’s how I’ve gotten where I am today. But it doesn’t hurt to second guess yourself now and then! So give me a break, because I’m waiting patiently for an entire generation of gays to come out of their first midlife crisis. Mine is almost done…I’m sure you’ve read all about it.

There seems to be a distinct difference in how my generation and younger generations think about and deal with HIV issues.

My earliest memory of HIV and AIDS was when I was in 6th grade and we were in the school cafeteria for a “family life” assembly about sex and health. The year was either 1986 or 1987. 1986 was the year that the term “HIV” was adopted to describe the infection, rather than AIDS (and the even earlier GRID), and I remember an article being read to us in this assembly on that very subject. We still called it AIDS, anyway, and it would be a few years before I remember anyone really started regularly using the term HIV.

During my teen years, HIV/AIDS was more or less a death sentence. It was a “crisis.” Life expectancy was perceived to be short once diagnosed, and many movies and television shows were made that portrayed the illness as involving a lot of suffering and (physical and emotional) pain. It was also portrayed as an almost exclusively gay disease, although I think the statistics even back then didn’t actually support that assertion. “AIDS” was the worst think that could possibly happen to you back then, even worse than cancer. If someone was gay, it was assumed they might have AIDS. It was my greatest fear.

Today, HIV infection is quite different. The current projected life expectancy for someone infected with HIV is about 32 additional years after infection if treatment starts before CD4 T cells fall below 350 (2006 computer model project based on 2004 treatment guidelines). That projection does not even include any future advancements in treatment or cure. HIV is a manageable infection, and those infected can more or less count on being relatively healthy except for any drug side effects - which are still common. Many patients on new treatments remain “undetectable” and can even pass common HIV tests. The key to these new survival rates is access to continuous medical care and adherence to strict medication routines - which are not even as arduous as they used to be, sometimes just one pill per day. This is of course not applicable to developing countries, where HIV infection continues to often be a quick death sentence.

So, that’s he HIV that a younger generation knows, and I think that attitude can easily be seen in a resurgence of unsafe sexual practices. Years ago, unsafe sex was not as out in the open - but it doesn’t take long these days to see the multitude of online postings and profiles soliciting it, also apparently equally from those who are negative. Something that was once shunned by the industry itself, porn that doesn’t involve condoms is also quite popular and prevalent now. I think everyone is still more or less aware of the virtual holocaust that was experienced by an older gay generation, but faith in science and medicine seems to cancel out any fear of that happening now or again.

For the first time in my life I feel like safer sex is at risk of becoming the exception for most people, rather than the rule, and it scares me.

Pick up any gay pop culture magazine such as Instinct, Advocate or Genre, and you will probably see no less than 2 or 3 ads for HIV medication that feature reasonably attractive and active models. There is usually no overt discussion of the inevitable side effects of the medication, although it’s usually hidden somewhere on the page because I think they have to disclose it somewhere in the advertising for legal reasons. A couple of messages get relayed to readers: 1. This guy looks happy and healthy (and maybe hot, although I think they are trying to tone down this aspect now in most ads), and 2. There seems to be a lot of different (and effective) medications available to someone if they get infected. These aren’t necessarily bad messages to convey, either, because they are more or less accurate. What doesn’t get conveyed, and I don’t even really think the pharmaceutical companies should be required to convey them, are the social and body image implications of those side effects, and the insurance nightmare you may have to navigate in order to get these medications for an affordable cost. They’re also not gonna tell you that you might be stuck with a job you hate, for years, because you have to hold on to your health insurance!

It all still freaks me the hell out. I am in that older generation that, no matter what advancements are made by medical science, tends to mentally equate HIV with imminent death. I am well read, normally quite rational and intelligent, but still unable to get past this mental block and see the infection for what it really is today. And regardless of it’s status as being a controllable infection, there is no way I would want to risk taking on the expense, inconvenience, stigma, and medicinal side effects of this long term health condition. Many would agree with me, but I have a strong feeling that there are quickly growing numbers who are willing to risk it. Normally you might expect me to say that those who choose to take on those risks shouldn’t be judged, but I’m not going to say that. Their decisions directly impact the physical and social environment that I am required to live in, in a substantially negative way.

(Same thing to the smokers and the obese, and anyone who consciously contributes to any health crisis - I am paying part of those medical bills, although this is about a lot more than just the money.)

HIV isn’t the only thing that freaks me out, as most of my close friends know me as the opinionated hypo who carries Listerine spray and sanitizing gel wherever I go. I really am sort of crazy about “germs”…I spray Lysol on everything, and mop with bleach. All the soaps are antibacterial, and I run to the doctor for antibiotics after every cough. People who swim in my pool think it has a lot of chlorine in it, and they’re right. What does this fear of germs do to my sex life? You’ve probably guessed by now, it ruins it.

Well, this post is now at risk for becoming a term paper, so I think I’ll close it here. These are just some of the things that have been in my mind for the last few months, and I feel a little bit better after talking about them. As always, comments and debate are welcome, these are just my feelings at the moment.

Alright, buckle in.

Last weekend I ended up reuniting with someone I first met about 10 years ago. He was one of the first guys I ever met, the first guy I ever met, and I have only occasionally seen him around town in Phoenix without much more than a passing “hi.” Things changed last weekend at one of the San Diego pride parties where we had a chance to talk, dance and get to know each other again. It was awkward when we stopped dating so long ago, because there were some mutual misunderstandings that were never properly cleared up or discussed. My first rejection. We discussed them last weekend and it really sort of filled a hole that I had in my heart, thinking all this time that he had no interest in me (when in fact the opposite was true for him, etc.). The whole thing was kind of cheesy and cute, and we made plans to go out to dinner this weekend. You know what? I love cheesy and cute, and probably always will.

Last night I was out at a downtown pub for a friend’s birthday. Honestly? I wasn’t sure if I should be there or not. It was a former Mr. X celebrating his birthday, and I was invited, so I went. I went with other friends, of course. But sitting there with a drink in my hand, looking at him, I thought crap I have no idea what I should be doing right now.

Funny thing happens to me when I start thinking about something, apparently my face kinda freezes and I space out a little. Depending on the topic I’m thinking about, I may be frowning, smirking, or smiling. The first time I remember this happening clearly, was the evening after my family moved to a new city after my 7th grade year. I was out to dinner at a steak restaurant with my parents and two of their friends who lived nearby to our new city Temecula. All I remember is hearing one of the friends say “What’s wrong Jerry?” I looked up to see him looking at me across the table. I didn’t know what he was referring to, but I was mad as hell about having to leave all of my friends, and I was busy planning out how the rest of my life was supposed to play out. I had planned out several years when this jerk interrupted me. So I looked up trying to think of how I was supposed to answer him with all this, when my Dad stepped in…”He’s thinking,” he said firmly. End of discussion. Wow, I thought, does he really understand me as well as it seems?

I was thinking, apparently, when the former Mr. X asked me if I was tired. Nobody to save me this time. You dumbass I was thinking about how freaking hot you are, sitting there in virtual candlelight, and how we somehow magically become casual friends without any debilitating sexual tension at all. We’ll be neighbors and meet for a light lunch during the week and talk about work and how high our electric bills are during the summer and blah, blah.

“Oh this candle is just burning my eyes a little,” I replied, probably minutes after the question was posed. I’m such an idiot. I tried for a moment to go back in time to invent teleportation, but it didn’t work. Instead, I switched from beer to wine.

Later, Mr. X had left, and I was just finishing my second glass of wine with the friends I had come to the pub with. “Any dating prospects?” one said. I said yeah, I’m going out with the guy I told you about how I was hanging out with in San Diego, on Sunday. I was actually a little relieved to switch my thought process over a little, to him.

“You know he’s HIV positive, right?”

No, I didn’t. Had I just been slapped in the face? I’ve seen his profile online and know that he indicates himself to be negative. We talked about this for a few minutes, and it seems that this guy used to indicate his positive status on online profiles, but doesn’t anymore. I was a little confused, and asked some more questions. My friends were simply stating the facts as they knew them, and told me that they figured I would want to know. Of course they were right, this is something I would want to know, and would probably be disappointed if I found out later that they hadn’t told me.

I really didn’t know how I was going to handle this one. Coincidentally I just had a discussion about this hypothetical situation with Jerry on the drive home from San Diego. I also had similar talks with two other friends, all last weekend. I knew how I would handle it then, but now I was feeling unprepared. I’ve never been in this situation before.

I decided to write to him and ask directly. He replied that yes, he was positive and does not disclose it in profiles, but planned on telling me during dinner and is always honest about it before anything sexual with someone. Fair enough, honest answer. I can understand a desire to keep some things private - just because you have an online profile doesn’t mean you have to tell the world everything, especially something that tends to heavily stigmatize. I replied with my honest answer, that I am not comfortable with it and, while it does not preclude friendship, I didn’t want to date. I got an accepting, but scripted response.

I felt rotten, as a million things zoomed though my head uncontrollably. I imagined myself in his situation, and it felt awful.

That’s about as much as I’ve been able to process so far, so I’ll continue later.

Friday night Jerry and I finally got Vicky to come out with us. We walked to the Arizona Center where we had dinner and wine at Uno, and then continued walking to Amsterdam afterwards for drinks. It was interesting to walk around downtown again and see the progress on the light rail. It seems like it’s almost done, but I guess there are still power lines lines to build and street and traffic direction infrastructure.

Walking on the light rail tracks down Central Avenue

When we got to Amsterdam, it was a light crowd, and Vicky even asked if it was closed down right before we went in. We found a larger crowd on the patio, and took some seats on the balcony. Jerry got awkwardly hit on by a lesbian. The vibe of Amsterdam has definitely changed since the opening of Burn, and I think it’s also being affected by the restrictive construction all around the building.

Aw, I missed Vicky!

Saturday night was Mark’s birthday dinner at Fate, where everyone had a delicious dinner but consistently disappointing martinis. One tasted like a margharita pizza (with tomato juice and basil) and one tasted like lemon pledge (with fresh ginger juice). The coconut curry is still my favorite dinner there, even if it does look a little like pea soup sometimes. After Fate we went back to Mark and Andrea’s place for a bit before heading back out to Burn, where we all had jello shots and vodka drinks. Rich and Justin stalked some of the waiters and Mark got appropriately birthday-drunk. Afterwards we hung out some more at Mark and Andrea’s before calling it a late night.

Andrea, Mark, Rich and Justin at Burn

Earlier in the week, Daren and I went to Seamus McCaffrey’s for some drinks and discussed the recent developments in our dating lives. Daren is back with Phaedra, but I’m pretty much out of luck with the original Mr. X’s. As I mentioned before…one is moving away and one really doesn’t seem to be interested at all, so that’s that. There are some possibilities out there still, and I probably won’t really go into them until I see where they’re going.

Diet and working out are still going well. I really like the supplements I’m taking - all from German American Technologies, which seems to be a pretty quality brand. Me and a lot of my other friends are taking the XC4 creatine, and I’ve also been taking the Stenandiol 3.0 system. Oh, and EAS 100% whey protein shakes. Overall I think they’ve helped me put on a little more muscle, and I’m happy to report that I don’t look totally hideous in a tank top anymore.

It’s hard to take pictures of yourself!