Greatness never follows good timing

20 03 2008

I was inspired a few days ago to start the mental legwork for this post after reading an interview with Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco, in this month’s issue of The Advocate.

Mayor Newsom ordered the City of San Francisco to begin granting marriage licenses to gay couples in 2004. The marriages began on February 12, and about 4,000 couples were married by the city until the California Supreme Court stepped in 29 days later and stopped it. A case is still pending in court (with the City of San Francisco as the plaintiff) that will ultimately decide if the court will allow marriages statewide or not – that decision is due very soon.

Mayor Newsom is not gay. He followed his principles, and ironically he got a lot of criticism for it from the gay community. Why? Because nobody thought this was the right time to do something like this, and many believed for awhile that Mayor Newsom may have triggered a national backlash against gays that may have helped get Bush re-elected and get many state constitutional amendments passed to ban gay marriage. Maybe it did and maybe it didn’t, although much new research is proving that the backlash and constitutional amendment momentum had already started well before Newsom decided to start marrying gay couples in his city.

Even his inner circle of advisers at the time thought it was very bad timing, and that the Mayor was likely destroying his political career. Asked how the final decision was made to go ahead with the marriage orders, he replies,

“The ultimate assessment was: So what? We talk about principles. And if you can’t stand for what you believe in, what’s the point?”

Mayor Newsom is my hero for this. But this post is not merely about gay marriage.

What other hopes and dreams do we all have, that are kept on the back burner because we’re waiting for something else to fall into place?

I want to be in a relationship, but I’m not where I want to be with my career yet. I want to get back into shape but I’m too busy with work right now to get to the gym. I want to get married but I have to save up for money for the ceremony. I want to move somewhere else but I haven’t finished fixing up my house yet. I want to start dating again but I’m not totally over my last relationship yet. I want to…

I have only recently been able to move my life forward again when I realized a few things. That everything is possible at every moment, and it’s never the right time. Everything else is just an excuse, because greatness never follows good timing.

I’ve come to understand over the last few weeks that I’m still limiting my own life experiences out of fear of being out of control. I avoid dating anyone who doesn’t fit what I believe is my perfect match, I don’t socialize with people who don’t share all of my core values, I pass on all activities that I think I may not enjoy.

Eventually all these useless limits we place on ourselves build up, and guarantee a boring life devoid of any change or development. Mayor Newsom didn’t get his state’s Supreme Court to look at gay marriage by waiting for the right time to flaunt state law, any more than you’re going to fall in love by waiting until your life is perfect before you start dating, any more than a gay man is ever going to make new friends by waiting for a complete lack of sexual awkwardness, any more than you’re going to get a ripped body by waiting for tons of free time to manifest itself for going to the gym. It’s all bad timing, so get used to it!

I’m not proposing that you live your life with reckless and careless abandon. But my hunch is that when you are at the end of your life, you will look fondly at the times that you stepped clear out of your comfort zone and changed everything about the life that happened afterwards.


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Girl’s Night Out!

13 03 2008

I was laughing until I saw that she stole my opposite-aisle-direction trick.


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Not missing sex

23 09 2007

Last Saturday and tonight were fun…hanging out with friends, talking, meeting new people, dancing, drinking, etc. That’s what I enjoy lately.When it comes to my personal life, sex hasn’t been anywhere near the top of my priority list for at least the last year or so. And that’s because I’m really looking for sort of a different connection. Sex eventually happens when a good intellectual connection has been made and chemistry is allowed to develop over some amount of time until it feels right. That could be one date or several (it’s usually at least a couple, but I don’t have a magic number).

But I am really very far from some of my friends who treat sex like more of a game of conquest (or even an idle hobby) than anything else. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually knows how to make true friends anymore, and for good reason. In their defense though, I was the same way when I was younger…and I think it’s just something you grow tired of when you start to see something more important missing from your life. When you’re young you should have (somewhat responsible) fun and explore the terrain, and not be in a hurry to grow up. When some people get older they may want something a little more stable and fulfilling.

I was talking to one of my friends tonight about the upcoming cruise (my goings on about the cruise are far from over), and they asked if I bought all of my condoms, etc. for the trip. My answer was no, because I really don’t plan to take part in any of that on the cruise. (I believe I described it as a floating disease tank, ha.) I’m really just going to hang out with my friends and have a good time. Of course I’ll be prepared just in case, but it isn’t really something I’m going to spend much time thinking about.

Tonight drove this point home a little more for me because there was ample opportunity. There always is for gay men…give a reasonably attractive guy 5 minutes and he can hook up with someone else who’s reasonably attractive and have a reasonably good time. That part’s not a challenge.

The challenge is finding the infamous “love connection” and it’s something that can’t be planned or forced. You just have to be open to it and, I think, learn at least one lesson from every connection that doesn’t work out. Love should take practice too, right? Obviously staying at home isn’t going to get you anywhere, so you can make little choices here and there that make it more likely to happen.  Like going out where other people like you are likely to be, giving compliments where they’re deserved, being somewhat open minded and genuinely curious about others.

So there you have it. Love is missing and sex is not. And I’m tired so I’ll bid you adieu until next time.  ;-)


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Waiting for a post-pre-midlife-crisis

21 09 2007

Something a friend said last weekend really stuck with me for the last few days. She, being single, said that she’s starting to notice a lot more single and eligible men come back into the dating pool lately. It seems that for awhile she observed that all the eligible men were married, but now she’s noticing that some of them are coming out of their first divorces and ready to date again. So the dating pool has actually improved as she gets ready to enter her 30’s.

Hmm. I thought about this for a moment, and realized that we have sort of a similar cyclical thing going on in the gay dating pool, although it’s different of course. I think that gay men tend to pass through a pre-midlife-crisis in their early 30’s. Straight men do, too, but gay men really kick it up an extra notch! As I look around online, I mostly either see guys in their early 20’s looking to date, or in their late 30’s looking to date. The late 20’s and early 30’s tend to be the partiers and the compulsives. There’s also some gay generational analysis I could do here, but that would just be exhausting.

So as I look around (and I’m not afraid to admit that I’m looking, I mean we’re all friends right?), I have often been faced with dating someone quite a bit older or younger than I am. And that’s hard to do, because generational differences are defined by so few years in this community. I realize more and more that I’m looking for someone like me (and hopefully around my age) that has one foot in the travel/party scene, and one foot in the real world trying to build a career and home and life. Someone fun but not crazy, responsible but not uptight. Someone who will grab life by the balls and do something wonderful with it!

And that’s rare, so it seems. I mentioned something in a last post about being picky, and I’m not giving that up. I’ll always be picky, as that’s how I’ve gotten where I am today. But it doesn’t hurt to second guess yourself now and then! So give me a break, because I’m waiting patiently for an entire generation of gays to come out of their first midlife crisis. Mine is almost done…I’m sure you’ve read all about it.


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HIV issues

29 07 2007

There seems to be a distinct difference in how my generation and younger generations think about and deal with HIV issues.

My earliest memory of HIV and AIDS was when I was in 6th grade and we were in the school cafeteria for a “family life” assembly about sex and health. The year was either 1986 or 1987. 1986 was the year that the term “HIV” was adopted to describe the infection, rather than AIDS (and the even earlier GRID), and I remember an article being read to us in this assembly on that very subject. We still called it AIDS, anyway, and it would be a few years before I remember anyone really started regularly using the term HIV.

During my teen years, HIV/AIDS was more or less a death sentence. It was a “crisis.” Life expectancy was perceived to be short once diagnosed, and many movies and television shows were made that portrayed the illness as involving a lot of suffering and (physical and emotional) pain. It was also portrayed as an almost exclusively gay disease, although I think the statistics even back then didn’t actually support that assertion. “AIDS” was the worst think that could possibly happen to you back then, even worse than cancer. If someone was gay, it was assumed they might have AIDS. It was my greatest fear.

Today, HIV infection is quite different. The current projected life expectancy for someone infected with HIV is about 32 additional years after infection if treatment starts before CD4 T cells fall below 350 (2006 computer model project based on 2004 treatment guidelines). That projection does not even include any future advancements in treatment or cure. HIV is a manageable infection, and those infected can more or less count on being relatively healthy except for any drug side effects – which are still common. Many patients on new treatments remain “undetectable” and can even pass common HIV tests. The key to these new survival rates is access to continuous medical care and adherence to strict medication routines – which are not even as arduous as they used to be, sometimes just one pill per day. This is of course not applicable to developing countries, where HIV infection continues to often be a quick death sentence.

So, that’s he HIV that a younger generation knows, and I think that attitude can easily be seen in a resurgence of unsafe sexual practices. Years ago, unsafe sex was not as out in the open – but it doesn’t take long these days to see the multitude of online postings and profiles soliciting it, also apparently equally from those who are negative. Something that was once shunned by the industry itself, porn that doesn’t involve condoms is also quite popular and prevalent now. I think everyone is still more or less aware of the virtual holocaust that was experienced by an older gay generation, but faith in science and medicine seems to cancel out any fear of that happening now or again.

For the first time in my life I feel like safer sex is at risk of becoming the exception for most people, rather than the rule, and it scares me.

Pick up any gay pop culture magazine such as Instinct, Advocate or Genre, and you will probably see no less than 2 or 3 ads for HIV medication that feature reasonably attractive and active models. There is usually no overt discussion of the inevitable side effects of the medication, although it’s usually hidden somewhere on the page because I think they have to disclose it somewhere in the advertising for legal reasons. A couple of messages get relayed to readers: 1. This guy looks happy and healthy (and maybe hot, although I think they are trying to tone down this aspect now in most ads), and 2. There seems to be a lot of different (and effective) medications available to someone if they get infected. These aren’t necessarily bad messages to convey, either, because they are more or less accurate. What doesn’t get conveyed, and I don’t even really think the pharmaceutical companies should be required to convey them, are the social and body image implications of those side effects, and the insurance nightmare you may have to navigate in order to get these medications for an affordable cost. They’re also not gonna tell you that you might be stuck with a job you hate, for years, because you have to hold on to your health insurance!

It all still freaks me the hell out. I am in that older generation that, no matter what advancements are made by medical science, tends to mentally equate HIV with imminent death. I am well read, normally quite rational and intelligent, but still unable to get past this mental block and see the infection for what it really is today. And regardless of it’s status as being a controllable infection, there is no way I would want to risk taking on the expense, inconvenience, stigma, and medicinal side effects of this long term health condition. Many would agree with me, but I have a strong feeling that there are quickly growing numbers who are willing to risk it. Normally you might expect me to say that those who choose to take on those risks shouldn’t be judged, but I’m not going to say that. Their decisions directly impact the physical and social environment that I am required to live in, in a substantially negative way.

(Same thing to the smokers and the obese, and anyone who consciously contributes to any health crisis – I am paying part of those medical bills, although this is about a lot more than just the money.)

HIV isn’t the only thing that freaks me out, as most of my close friends know me as the opinionated hypo who carries Listerine spray and sanitizing gel wherever I go. I really am sort of crazy about “germs”…I spray Lysol on everything, and mop with bleach. All the soaps are antibacterial, and I run to the doctor for antibiotics after every cough. People who swim in my pool think it has a lot of chlorine in it, and they’re right. What does this fear of germs do to my sex life? You’ve probably guessed by now, it ruins it.

Well, this post is now at risk for becoming a term paper, so I think I’ll close it here. These are just some of the things that have been in my mind for the last few months, and I feel a little bit better after talking about them. As always, comments and debate are welcome, these are just my feelings at the moment.


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A few words about gay open relationships

7 06 2007

A few months after my last relationship ended, I found myself chatting on online dating sites to pass some of the time at night. The ultimate goal was to meet someone new to date, as I was not used to (or comfortable with) going to bars by myself. Funny thing happens when I’m in a relationship for awhile, I usually don’t make many new gay friends, or hold on to the ones that I’ve had. So here I was, with straight friends who were getting pretty sick and tired of going to Amsterdam and BS West with me!

I noticed, when chatting with people, that everyone would ask me if I was single. I thought, well of course I am, why does everyone ask that? Well I think I didn’t realize that, among other things such as text messaging, open relationships became a lot more popular while I was out of the dating pool. Or maybe I have just been a little too naive about it before, it doesn’t really matter at this point…

Since attendng a few circuit parties, I’m surprised at how many couples are there…not being exclusive with their intimacy. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the gay population, so this should not indicate a broader trend worth thinking about. Maybe so.

But since expanding my circle of gay friends, I’m also surprised at how many couples I either socialize with or meet locally that also do not practice much exclusivity. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the “coupled” population that still goes out to clubs and bars, and that surely the majority of couples are probably home enjoying a more traditional relationship.

But is that what I want?

Here’s my concern, that I’ve expressed before. I want a monogamous relationship, but I still want to go out to clubs and parties with that person. I really, honestly, can’t see giving up on going out and having a good time with drink and music and friends. I’m not what one of my friends calls a “dinner party gay” or what I have come to call a “board game and go to bed early gay.”

But I want a more traditional monogamous relationship, and sometimes I feel like those are going extinct. Like the stay at home mom…is it a dated idea?

Let me be clear for a moment. I do not think it’s appropriate or useful in any way to judge those who choose an open or “inviting” relationship. We are all working very hard for the political and social freedom to choose the types of relationships that we want, as part of the general gay rights movement, and it would be simply ridiculous to start judging our own for choosing an unconventional intimate arrangement. I’m all for it, and I say all the power to you if that’s what works best for you!

But, it’s not for me.

I’ve tried it before, with one of my first boyfriends when I was 25…someone who I still miss dearly. I think the arrangement may have even been partially for my benefit, as a way of getting around the idea that someone’s first relationship never lasts, because they have not been with many other people. Maybe the idea that I could get everything out of my system within the open confines of our relationship was a ploy to keep me longer term. But it didn’t work for me, and I was not comfortable enough with myself to be a tolerable boyfriend in that relationship. Ugh, how I so regret what he had to deal with.

I think it’s interesting how we all tend to define intimacy and love differently. Personally, sex is related to both for me. Sex isn’t love, but it’s one of it’s many expressions. Sex also isn’t intimacy, but it doesn’t usually happen without it. Sex also isn’t the only thing that separates friends from lovers, but it’s one of those things.

Others think about sex differently. It can be a physical activity, a vehicle for self validation, a compliment…or on the opposite side of the spectrum, it can be love itself. Or, a sin.

The point is that everyone places a different level of significance and value on various sexual and intimate activities, and after talking with one of my friends tonight we realized that those values can vary widely. For example, he told me about how he met a few different couples last weekend who had quite different rules about what they allowed each other to do in their relationship. One couple allowed all forms of sex with others except kissing. And another couple allowed everything with others except for intercouse.

This affects me in a couple different ways. One way that it affects me is that I have realized that, not only do I have to compete against every other single guy at a party or club for the attention of other singles, but I must also compete against a bunch of “taken” guys for the attention of the most eligible singles. These guys who are already in a relationship also tend not to disclose their status right away, so it is a little unfair of a situation. Whatever, not a huge deal. Selfish, maybe.

The other way it affects me is that guys I am interested in will often see the behavior of some of my friends and assume that I am also into open or inviting relationships. This turns them off, and they start asking a lot of probing questions. So I have to go into a whole explanation about how I am not like that and convince them that they can trust me. This has happened with 2 Mr. X’s recently, and one continues to ask for validation of my convictions.

Again, not a huge deal, and I think that anyone who takes some time to get to know me should not have any reason to worry. That is, if they are like me and not expecting and wanting the opposite – which is something I often worry about as well.

All I think I want to point out, at the end of this rant, is that the dating landcape is getting more and more complicated every day for gay men. For some reason everyone thinks that they have to completely reinvent the relationship, and that’s fine…except that I don’t, and think that my long standing ideal will eventually work out for me. Maybe in a way I’m just setting the record straight, and getting some frustration off my chest.


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Not that surprised

3 05 2007

Wow, so I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been putting it off, and that’s a bad habit to get into! But just to give you a warning, I’m in a little bit of a complaining mood…

So to catch all my friends stalkers up, I’ve been sick for the last few days. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s more like a cold than anything, and I think it’s getting better today so I’m just gonna wait it out I think. Honestly, I love the friendly goodbye kiss thing, but I may have to start enforcing a no-kiss rule! I think working at home has weakened my immune system…I’m just not exposed to very many people anymore.

Last Thursday was Dining Our For Life. We went to Cibo in Phoenix, and I really liked the antipasto and sandwich. We planned on having pizza, but the pizza chef had to leave at the last minute to attend to his wife’s childbirth. Then we thought we’d break out of our mold and check out a few other bars – like Apollo’s which was tiny and had some drag queen shouting incessantly into a mic, and Cruisin 7th which promised strippers who basically hid in the laps of old men all night while the bartender made odd gestures at me with his elbow.

Saturday was…you guessed it, Burn, and then to Charlie’s where I’m now convinced an evil vortex awaits me every time.

Dating sucks, and that’s about all I have to say about that. Actually, no I do have more to say about that….but, another time.

Today wrapped up 2 days of house painting at the Governor’s mansion, and things look really good…except it cost way more than I thought it would, so I was pretty disappointed with the project.

I am actually not that surprised that things haven’t been working out so well for me lately, as I have often swung back and forth between good times and bad…it’s just sort of the way things always are for me. So when things get to be like they are now I typically just try to lay low and get all my thoughts together, fix the problems that surface, and decide what I really want/need. I’m at a bit of a loss right now as far as what I want, so maybe that’s part of the problem.


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We all need somebody

23 04 2007

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Love is in the air this spring, and as I look around I see so many cherished friends who are either beginning new relationships or strengthening the ones they have. Whether it’s getting to know someone new, getting reaquainted with someone old, or making commitments you never thought possible…you are an inspiration that hasn’t gone unnoticed.

I know that some of you are struggling with letting go. Reconciling old feelings is a painful thing to do, but it is a prerequisite for accepting new love into your life. Take every loss and weave it into what’s next in store for you…I do not believe our experiences are purely random, and neither do you.

Cheers, and may new love forever make you stronger and happier!


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I hate board games

17 04 2007

Well I’m actually feeling a bit under the weather today, as I developed a sinus infection after my allergy episode on Saturday. I woke up all congested with a headache and fever, so I went to the doctor this morning and got some antibiotics…so hopefully I’ll be all better in just a couple days. This is actually my third sinus infection in about 6 months, and my doctor says I should start taking daily allergy medicine until the season is over. I’ve had these allergies ever since I was a little kid, and it’s kind of annoying dealing with this every year.

Ironically, I have a date planned on Wednesday, so I hope I really do recover quickly. At least I think it’s a date, I’m not really sure anymore. I think I did my best to set it up as such, but that hasn’t really worked out very well for me for the last year…everything just sort of turns out to be a casual thing. I figure I can either sit here and analyze the meaning of text messages all day, or just go out and have a good time, whatever it happens to be! I chose the latter.

It’s been interesting lately to talk to my friends about relationships, dating and sex. They all have such different ideas about each. I’m not sure how I would categorize myself now, but I know that I lean a lot more toward the more traditional relationship ideal. I like courtship, dating, and monogamy. But I don’t want to be that couple that plays board games on the weekend and falls asleep at 10pm. I still want to go out, travel, attend parties, and socialize with friends every week.

My fear has been that maybe what I want isn’t really possible…but I’m starting to learn that a lot of things are possible if you believe that you deserve them. And I do know what I’m looking for…it’s not impossible to find – but not exactly easy, either.


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Down to the wire

3 04 2007

Most of you are probably going to actually find this post really boring. But, this is my online journal and things have felt so hectic lately that i just wanted to take a few minutes to get some thoughts down.

So, I will be in Palm Springs this weekend for the White Party. I am really excited for it, and I’ve also really enjoyed the time leading up to this point. My friends and I have actually used the preparation for this event as a sort of bonding activity in itself. Talking about workouts, our diets, how much weight we’ve lost, what we’re going to wear to the different theme parties, the songs we hope to hear, etc. So, if it seems like I’ve been talking about the White Party an awful lot, it’s because the White Party actually started for me awhile ago, when I first decided to go. Does that make sense? Anyway…

I’ve been going crazy redecorating my house for the last week or so…and it’s looking pretty cool. I set up a new poolside area to work from, added some furniture to the living room and bedroom, and reorganized several areas of the house.

For me, this is always a sure sign that something is wrong. I knew a few days ago that something was brewing, but I decided I would go with the flow and get these therapy projects underway…the answers come in time, right? Now that I feel like I have things worked out (or at least properly identified), I’m actually really glad that the party is this weekend so that I can have fun and get in a better mood.

I don’t really know how to describe my mood lately other than just a little touch of loneliness. I’ve been having a great time hanging out with friends, but the fact remains that nearly all of them are in relationships of some sort…and part of me does miss that. Part of this is also the fact that I work from home, and I think that being by oneself for extended periods of time can make one go a little nuts ;-) Time starts to blur a little…and like last week for me, you can suddenly realize that you’re not even paying attention to things anymore like how your house looks.

I think things kind of came to a head today, as I ended up chatting with my ex and he told me that he has a new boyfriend. Of course I’m happy for him, and I had a hunch anyway that he did. But then again I have those normal jealous feelings that he has moved into a new relationship and I’m not able to get past a first or second date with someone. The rational part of me says that this is a good thing, because it means I’m being selective, and that it’s really better in the long run not to settle. But on the other hand, the emotional part of me wants that perfect match to be made soon :-)

I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m pining away for a boyfriend, because that isn’t the case at all. My life is actually at its most perfect point ever right now. I think I just hit a normal bump on the emotional road, and spent a little more time than normal this week thinking about relationships, and about things that are not currently part of my life. I see this as a good sign, because I think that when you achieve certain levels of perfection and success, you just continue to crave even more.


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