A few months after my last relationship ended, I found myself chatting on online dating sites to pass some of the time at night. The ultimate goal was to meet someone new to date, as I was not used to (or comfortable with) going to bars by myself. Funny thing happens when I’m in a relationship for awhile, I usually don’t make many new gay friends, or hold on to the ones that I’ve had. So here I was, with straight friends who were getting pretty sick and tired of going to Amsterdam and BS West with me!
I noticed, when chatting with people, that everyone would ask me if I was single. I thought, well of course I am, why does everyone ask that? Well I think I didn’t realize that, among other things such as text messaging, open relationships became a lot more popular while I was out of the dating pool. Or maybe I have just been a little too naive about it before, it doesn’t really matter at this point…
Since attendng a few circuit parties, I’m surprised at how many couples are there…not being exclusive with their intimacy. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the gay population, so this should not indicate a broader trend worth thinking about. Maybe so.
But since expanding my circle of gay friends, I’m also surprised at how many couples I either socialize with or meet locally that also do not practice much exclusivity. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the “coupled” population that still goes out to clubs and bars, and that surely the majority of couples are probably home enjoying a more traditional relationship.
But is that what I want?
Here’s my concern, that I’ve expressed before. I want a monogamous relationship, but I still want to go out to clubs and parties with that person. I really, honestly, can’t see giving up on going out and having a good time with drink and music and friends. I’m not what one of my friends calls a “dinner party gay” or what I have come to call a “board game and go to bed early gay.”
But I want a more traditional monogamous relationship, and sometimes I feel like those are going extinct. Like the stay at home mom…is it a dated idea?
Let me be clear for a moment. I do not think it’s appropriate or useful in any way to judge those who choose an open or “inviting” relationship. We are all working very hard for the political and social freedom to choose the types of relationships that we want, as part of the general gay rights movement, and it would be simply ridiculous to start judging our own for choosing an unconventional intimate arrangement. I’m all for it, and I say all the power to you if that’s what works best for you!
But, it’s not for me.
I’ve tried it before, with one of my first boyfriends when I was 25…someone who I still miss dearly. I think the arrangement may have even been partially for my benefit, as a way of getting around the idea that someone’s first relationship never lasts, because they have not been with many other people. Maybe the idea that I could get everything out of my system within the open confines of our relationship was a ploy to keep me longer term. But it didn’t work for me, and I was not comfortable enough with myself to be a tolerable boyfriend in that relationship. Ugh, how I so regret what he had to deal with.
I think it’s interesting how we all tend to define intimacy and love differently. Personally, sex is related to both for me. Sex isn’t love, but it’s one of it’s many expressions. Sex also isn’t intimacy, but it doesn’t usually happen without it. Sex also isn’t the only thing that separates friends from lovers, but it’s one of those things.
Others think about sex differently. It can be a physical activity, a vehicle for self validation, a compliment…or on the opposite side of the spectrum, it can be love itself. Or, a sin.
The point is that everyone places a different level of significance and value on various sexual and intimate activities, and after talking with one of my friends tonight we realized that those values can vary widely. For example, he told me about how he met a few different couples last weekend who had quite different rules about what they allowed each other to do in their relationship. One couple allowed all forms of sex with others except kissing. And another couple allowed everything with others except for intercouse.
This affects me in a couple different ways. One way that it affects me is that I have realized that, not only do I have to compete against every other single guy at a party or club for the attention of other singles, but I must also compete against a bunch of “taken” guys for the attention of the most eligible singles. These guys who are already in a relationship also tend not to disclose their status right away, so it is a little unfair of a situation. Whatever, not a huge deal. Selfish, maybe.
The other way it affects me is that guys I am interested in will often see the behavior of some of my friends and assume that I am also into open or inviting relationships. This turns them off, and they start asking a lot of probing questions. So I have to go into a whole explanation about how I am not like that and convince them that they can trust me. This has happened with 2 Mr. X’s recently, and one continues to ask for validation of my convictions.
Again, not a huge deal, and I think that anyone who takes some time to get to know me should not have any reason to worry. That is, if they are like me and not expecting and wanting the opposite – which is something I often worry about as well.
All I think I want to point out, at the end of this rant, is that the dating landcape is getting more and more complicated every day for gay men. For some reason everyone thinks that they have to completely reinvent the relationship, and that’s fine…except that I don’t, and think that my long standing ideal will eventually work out for me. Maybe in a way I’m just setting the record straight, and getting some frustration off my chest.
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