Jerry Timms

We’re back from One Mighty Weekend in Orlando! I had a fantastic time and we are recovering quite easily and nicely from our party marathon week away from home. I won’t go through the details of all the parties…just do yourself a favor and go. Some year before you die, ok?

This week I visited my accountant to pick up my personal and corporate tax returns. I have to tell you, so much stress was lifted off my shoulders when I discovered that I didn’t have to pay nearly as much as I thought I would. In fact I don’t think I realized how much stress it was actually putting on me for the last few months, because I relaxed immediately after finding out how minimal the damage was. Sometimes you don’t realize how unhappy you are about something until you experience the rebound happiness that comes from having the situation fully resolved.

It reminded me of a time earlier in the week when I saw a sad look on Anthony’s face. I noticed him looking at something at Downtown Disney, and knew that he was distressed about some of his own financial troubles. I wanted to tell him that it’s just money, and he shouldn’t worry about it so much. It will more than likely resolve itself far faster than he thinks. I didn’t tell him anything, because I didn’t want to upset him further. And I waited until he told me about later until I said something.

So today I started thinking about how much all of our troubles really are just temporary.

I’d like to brag about how I know this for sure because I’m older than you, or wiser than you, or that I’m smarter than you because I’ve just figured out this realization out on my own. But none of those things are true…I’m thinking about this right now because of how ridiculously happy I am with my life!

Anthony is doing some family things tonight, and I just got back home from spending some time with Rich and Justin at the mall. So I’m having a little snack and sitting down at the computer to see what comes out of this little writing exercise.

The house is quiet. I mean, it’s not, I’m playing some dance music on the living room stereo. But things are unusually quiet and, well maybe still is a better word for how it feels.

I haven’t really gone into it very much, but my life is totally different now than it was before I started seeing Anthony. We’ve pretty much been spending all of our free time together. In fact I’m leaving soon for a two and a half day work trip, and that will be the longest I’ve gone without seeing him for awhile.

That fact alone is kind of amazing to me, because I have been in some pretty long relationships before but I would never be able to say something like that. Even after a few years in the last one I don’t think we ever spent more than 3 or 4 days continuously together. That wasn’t necessarily my choice, because I know we used to fight a lot about how I thought he needed a little too much space. We pretty much just spent time together on the weekends, and then talked on the phone the other days.

Well, there’s definitely something different going on with this relationship. I have a lot of feelings about it, and surprisingly they aren’t really all that complex. It’s just fun to spend time with him. We like to do a lot of the same things, we have similar personalities, and we understand each other. There’s a lot of physical attraction. And time apart doesn’t feel like a break; it feels like time apart.

It’s kind of funny because on nights like this I suddenly remember that he doesn’t live here. I’m so used to having him around that I forget I actually live alone. In fact he called me while I was at the mall today because he wasn’t sure he had any clothes at his house to wear tonight to go pick up his brothers, and I kind of drew a blank about what to do because for some reason this wasn’t a problem I imagined having to encounter today. For a few different reasons…that he would not have a way to get into my house (a formality I forgot to take care of earlier), and that he would be getting dressed somewhere other than at my house.

We have a big vacation coming up that I’m excited about. I’m glad he’s coming and I’m also curious how he’s going to like it, since it’s a pretty busy party weekend. We went to San Francisco a few weeks ago to see Bernard, so this will be our second trip. The trip to San Francisco was really fun, but short. It will be nice to get away for longer, and to really have more time to relax. And by relax, I mean as much drinking and dancing as possible. I’m also looking forward to seeing some friends I haven’t seen for awhile, like Philip who’s been in a mysterious nesting mode lately.

In some ways I feel like “vacation” has already started for me, because I’ll be away for business for a few days and then I’m barely back at all until we leave for the real vacation. The business trip is really important, but I’m not too worried about it and I think it will go fine. Part of it will actually be interesting because I’m going somewhere I’ve never been before, and it will be fun to check out the city after work is done.

…said my friend Vikram at the final closing party of our White Party weekend in Palm Springs. The lights were swirling, Tony Moran was spinning something amazing, the air was hot, and our friends were smiling everywhere…

Now, let’s rewind…

One year ago I came to the White Party Palm Springs with Rich and Justin. It was my first circuit party weekend and I was the most scared and excited that I had ever been. I had an amazing time, and I met more people than I could remember.

Fast forward one year, and literally everywhere I went I ran into a familiar and smiling face. I enjoyed meeting new people and introducing old friends to new, and spending time with those I rarely see. I realized over the course of the weekend that I have more friends now at circuit events than I do in my own town, and it really is becoming sort of a new home for me.

I feel like a new person each time. Sure I’ll always be Jerry Timms, but I’m changing slowly and I’m pleased with where it’s going.

My friend Jason came with us, and it was fun to watch him experience his first circuit party. I happened to notice one of the moments on Friday night when it all came together for him. I watched as a wave of happiness/euphoria/freedom swept across his face as he realized he could be anything or anyone at that moment in time. I think he’s hooked now just like the rest of us!

The title up above isn’t exactly true, since my boyfriend Anthony wasn’t there. I found myself missing him a lot, and the thought of going to One Mighty Weekend in Orlando in six weeks without him was a little unbearable. So, I’m happy that he’s decided to go with me! I’m excited for the chance to introduce him to all my friends who aren’t here in Phoenix, and the opportunity to show him what we’re up to with all this crazy traveling.

It keeps getting better!

I have to get back to work in a bit, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write a few words down since it’s been awhile since I’ve written about anything substantial. I’m going to write about Mr. X again because things are going really well there.

Interestingly, two weekends ago I went to San Diego with Rich, Justin and Miguel, and was considering not dating him any longer when I got back. The reason was because we went to dinner the previous Thursday, and there was quite a bit of awkward silence during our date. Well, I sort of freaked out because I was worried that maybe we didn’t have enough in common to make this last.

I talked to Rich about it, and it was funny because he just sort of chuckled and said, “Oh yeah, the same exact thing happened on one of my first dates with Justin. I totally know where you’re at right now!” Rich and Justin have been together now for about 7 years.

At first I was confused by his response, especially the I totally know where you’re at right now part. Until I read between the lines. He was telling me that I’m freaking out because of my insecurity about the age difference (Rich and Justin have the exact same difference in age between them as we do). And sometimes an awkward silence is just an awkward silence. Hmm, I decided to give this another go.

Well I’m definitely glad I did, because after that weekend Mr. X totally opened up - as did I - and I like him more and more, and things get better and better every time I see him. Usually I’m afraid that the bad qualities of whomever I’m dating will rub off on me, but as I get to know more about Mr. X I hope that all of his qualities do.

Well, I thought I’d give you all an update on my Master Cleanse fasting diet.

Saturday night I was out in Scottsdale for Scott’s birthday. We went to Javino’s Wine Bar which was fun and had a nice decor and ambiance. It was great to catch up with Scott and meet some of his friends and family.

I didn’t order anything to eat because I had the best intentions of just drinking my glass of wine and keeping to my food fast. But I got the impression that others sitting around me were really uncomfortable with eating next to me since I wasn’t having anything, and after a couple of offers to taste a slice of pizza (that looked absolutely delicious with figs and prosciutto) I accepted. It was fantastic…and after I wolfed down a slice of birthday cake the damage was done.

I came home and decided to order a movie on iTunes and just chill for the rest of the night. Well, I tried gulping down a few glasses of the master cleanse lemonade to no avail…I was starving. Literally! All I could think about was how I can not imagine being on my death bed and thinking about how glad I was that I starved myself in 2008.

I then proceeded (ever notice how everyone uses the word proceeded to describe morally suspect happenings? Listen for it the next time you watch Judge Judy) to get online, pull up dominos.com, and order the most extravagant pizza I could assemble with their online pizza tools. Apparently pizza technology had significantly advanced since my diet, because they had the fanciest ecommerce website I’d seen in a long time…it updated me when my pizza had been assembled, when it had gone in the oven, and when Francisco my “pizza delivery expert” had it loaded in his car for delivery. I spent the rest of the night watching V: The Complete Miniseries and eating half of my extra-everything pizza.

The next morning I woke up with a stomach ache from the previous evening’s pizza debauchery. Apparently when you stop eating for 48 hours your body acts like it’s never encountered food before. After relaxing (and eating the rest of the pizza) and doing some housework to prepare for an expected realtor visit, I was off to the mall for my Solo Sunday routine.

At the mall I had some coffee Häagen-Dazs ice cream in a chocolate sprinkle cone. The women at Z Gallerie looked at me with disdain while I circled their store slurping on this indulgent monstrosity, one of them even joking with me that I couldn’t bring it in her store unless I had some for all the staff…she laughed but I could practically hear her stomach lurching at watching me enjoy this delicious dipped and candy-coated goodness. In fact, I’m pretty sure I heard it. After my ice cream show, I wandered over to Panda Express to get dinner.

You may already know that I get all of my secret messages from the universe through fortune cookies. And if you don’t believe me that fortune cookies are a rare and magical source of divine intervention, then maybe you can explain to me how the cookies are baked without the paper burning or sticking to the cookie? Or why I always seem to get them on Sundays?

I enjoyed my meal, having thoroughly conquered my fear of food. And as I finished, I cracked open the cookie to reveal a new week’s fortune.

You have the attitude of a winner.

Speaking of which the year is coming to an end, and wow it’s been a long year! I feel like I’ve crammed at least 5 years worth of experiences into one. But I guess you already knew that.

I’m leaving in a few days to go see my family for Christmas and relax a bit with everyone. Then I’m off to L.A. to stay with Philip and hang out with him, Bernard, Tony, DJ, Justin and Rich, and some of the other guys from San Diego. During the week between Christmas and New Year’s I’ll be working from my favorite WeHo Starbucks! Unfortunately Jerry can’t make it, but hopefully he will be able to come along on at least one trip this year, because I’ve had a lot of fun with him lately.

For New Year’s Eve I’ll be at the Masterbeat 2008 party at The Mayan. I was at the Masterbeat party last year, when it was at The Palladium, and this year’s party starts the whole cycle anew.

2008 is already looking to be another busy, prosperous and exciting year!

I’ve already booked everything for One Mighty Weekend in Orlando in May, as well as another Mexican Atlantis cruise in October. I’ll likely be going to the White Party Palm Springs again, and probably a few more parties here and there in between the big ones.

I’m selling my house to move closer downtown, where I’ve already picked out a loft that has the perfect urban feel I’ve been looking for. At the end of 2008 Phoenix will open its light rail system as the ASU downtown campus kicks into full swing, and all of us who live down here will breathe a sigh of relief as our town realizes a little more of its full potential.

Vicky has graduated finally, so hopefully I’ll be seeing more of her this year. I’d also like to see more of Deanna, and new friends like Mark and Andrea.

Work will not be any less exciting, as my biggest client gets even closer to a major transition in their business. I see fantastic and surprising things happening during the final stretch of this chapter in my career. Then, something new.

There is no Mr. X to speak of right now. However I am so much closer to knowing what I want, and I really had a great time getting to know some new friends this year. It’ll all happen some day, when it’s right…

I won’t bore you this time with an exhaustive review of the past year, because…well, you’ve been reading all about it. I’ve poured so much emotion into this blog! 2007 was definitely a year for working on the inside. Now, I’m ready to move on…and to go out into the world a stronger, happier man who’s ready to take on just about anything!

Thanks everyone for reading! This blog was a very important part of my life for the past year, but I don’t need it anymore.

For now, I’m turning the computer off. Call me

Synchronicity, not to be denied, has once again demanded some attention from me. This time, an interesting concept involving introspection and the slippery nature of emotional experience.

Probably more than anyone else, I like to analyze things. I mean I really like to analyze them…thoughts, feelings, motives, people, science, anything really.

If you share my fascination with this, you have also probably noticed that things sometimes tend to disappear after a considerable amount of analysis. Especially after looking at your own emotions, you might find that they are gone by the time you get close enough to figuring them out. Well, they’re still there…they just cleverly evade study.

This is how I can tell that I’m experiencing real human emotion, and not some compulsive self-rationalization. Real emotions disappear almost completely when you start to dissect them, while logical reasoning simply decomposes into its more palpable parts.

Could it be “real” love when we begin to tread into emotional territory that no longer seems to make any sense? I’m wondering because I’ve often questioned the validity of my feelings for another person, and that analysis could go on forever. But sometimes it feels like the reasons no longer matter, and like I could pretty much just surrender myself to whatever life has in store for me at the moment…and by “sometimes” I mean very rarely!

My natural inclination is to fight and not surrender that sort of control. Honestly I’ve always been afraid of getting hurt or disappointed - and I’m not just talking about dating, but also about friends and family and career. So rather than just laying all my feelings out on the line, I hide behind (what actually feels like a more natural) calculated emotional distance.

Maybe this is all important, maybe not. I don’t really care anymore.

My weekly Sunday ritual for the past several months has been an afternoon trip to Scottsdale Fashion Square mall. Sundays have always been so blah for me, and I think what I like most about my mall trips is to have something predictable and relaxing to look forward to. I like to watch people at the mall, get a little light exercise, and do some casual shopping.

Today was no exception as I set out to the mall with a mission, which was to buy just a few quality basics. One of my main goals lately is to scale back on the quantity of things in my life, and instead focus on owning a few select quality items. So at Nordstrom I bought a brown Hugo Boss polo and white button down, and at Banana Republic I bought a black crew and beige v-neck T-shirts.

Also at Banana, I bought two scented candles, which I just lit before sitting down to write. They were a bit on the expensive side, but I have always loved the intense fragrances that they use in their candles. Just one of these glass jar candles can quickly fill your whole house with its exotic aroma. I bought two “Tea Leaves” scented candles in green glass jars to place on the mahogany shelves I recently added to the structural columns in my living room. The manufacturer must use similar base notes in many of their fragrances, because this one reminded me of another candle I bought a long time ago.

The first candle I ever bought at Banana was called “Night Air.” I enjoyed it so much that I returned to the store to buy the home fragrance spray. It came in a small glass spray bottle, filled with lavender tinted liquid. It’s impossible for me to describe to you what it smelled like, because I have never smelled anything like it.

It was the year 2000 and I was living in an apartment on my own in Tempe. I had been out of college a little over a year, and was working as a business analyst for Intel. Although my corporate job was somewhat stressful I was still enjoying my new income, which was unusually high for a recent college graduate. The dot-com boom was still booming, and things were all very new and exciting. I worked on projects for Intel’s new web hosting division and also dabbled quite a bit in web design. The internet was practically the center of the universe for me. I also wasn’t out yet to my friends or family, so I only met other guys online - AOL to be exact.

I took a chance one evening and met a guy without seeing his picture first. I was glad I did, because he turned out to be gorgeous and intelligent…and I started seeing him fairly often for the next several months. It was sometimes difficult to make sure my friends never came over when he was there, or to make sure I had a proper excuse for not wanting to go out with them when I really wanted to spend the evening with my secret boyfriend. But it all worked, somehow.

I believe it was the stress of balancing this secret life that kept me smoking at the time. And although he knew that I smoked, he didn’t like the smell. So every evening before he came over I would spray the living room with “Night Air” and light a candle. It was also around this time that I developed a compulsive need to shower and brush my teeth before seeing him, or anyone else for that matter. But all my preparations seemed to do the trick, and these evenings continued for what would be some of the most passionate months of my life.

I remember falling asleep with him more than once to awaken to Listerine on my lips, Hugo cologne on his body and Dolce & Gabbana on mine, and “Night Air” on the couch pillow we were sharing…all, it seems, being inextricably linked with our lust.

“Tea Leaves” are not the same as “Night Air.” But as I sit here, drawing in and savoring the new fragrance, I can’t help but to smile at how similar they could be.

Today I’d like to write about a more emotional topic. I’m sitting here getting ready to get some work done, but there’s something that was weighing heavily on my mind that I want to put out there…

After all the progress I think I’ve made this past year connecting with my emotions and working on interpersonal relationships, I think there’s still quite a bit of the “robot” still in me. Before I was out to my friends, they used to call me “The Robot” because I hardly ever expressed emotion and had seemingly no interest in dating and whatnot. They could always count on me for a strictly objective piece of advice, I was almost cold…

After coming out to everyone (when I was 25) I broke out of my shell a little and shared significantly more of my life with my friends, and a few years later with my family. This last year I decided it was time to work on things again. I wasn’t happy and I just felt like I was wandering aimlessly through a life devoid of any substantial personal growth.

That personal growth is happening again, and I’m having the time of my life! My old friendships are stronger, and some strong newer friendships have developed. But there are still a lot of challenges for me, especially with my dating and intimate life. I have the hardest time expressing emotion when it comes to love and interest. That will improve soon, as I’ve renewed my commitment to be completely honest about my feelings in that area.

So, I’ve told somebody something just now, and it’s interesting how a simple sentence can take such a huge weight off your shoulders. It goes where it goes.

I’ve returned from San Diego Pride with my friends, and although I’m a bit exhausted today I thought I’d take some time to reflect on the weekend.

I challenged myself last weekend to start talking a little more to people I don’t know. Circuit parties are highly social events, and so I have found them to sometimes be a little intimidating. Ok, maybe really intimidating. I don’t know why I’m shy, but I just am. Now this wasn’t a new challenge, I’ve been gradually building up to this point during the course of the year, but I really gave myself an ultimatum this time that I really want to get myself over the worst part of this shyness and put that all behind me.

Luckily, it wasn’t really a challenge. I found it quite easy (both sober and not) to say hi to people, introduce myself, and make some casual conversation. Actually I’m really amazed at the number of people I met because I don’t think I’ve met that many new people in one weekend before, even at some of the larger circuit events. The primary goal of the weekend is of course to hang out with my best friends, but it was also nice to expand the social circle a bit. For once I actually remember the people from the weekend better than the music! And I think I’ve returned to Phoenix with a greater feeling of self-confidence than I’ve ever had before.

Speaking of trying new things, Jerry met me in San Diego for the closing party of the weekend, and it was a lot of fun having him there. While having drinks one night with Jerry last week, I made an offer to buy his ticket if he would come out to one of the parties with us. It turned out he had the required days off, his girlfriend was going to be out of town so he didn’t have any plans, and so he accepted. The next day I was a little afraid that he might have accepted just because we were out at the bar (aka drunk talk), but I immediately bought his ticket anyway and sent him the details of the party. It turned out he was serious about coming, and so we made plans for Sunday.

Despite initially being a little out of his element for obvious reasons, I think Jerry had a great time. He danced like a circuit boy and socialized with some of my newer friends throughout the course of the evening, hopefully getting a good taste for what these events are all about - challenging yourself, letting your guard down and meeting new people, and enjoying some great music and entertainment. It really meant a lot to me that he was willing to try out an event like this, knowing how much I enjoy them. And so whether or not he decides to do it again, at least he may understand a little bit more about what I’ve been up to, and I can tell him stories of future travels without him thinking I’m completely crazy!

So, thanks to Tony and DJ for their top notch hospitality, and thanks to new friends and best friends for spending a great weekend with me in San Diego. I couldn’t imagine life right now without you.