Jerry Timms

We’re back from One Mighty Weekend in Orlando! I had a fantastic time and we are recovering quite easily and nicely from our party marathon week away from home. I won’t go through the details of all the parties…just do yourself a favor and go. Some year before you die, ok?

This week I visited my accountant to pick up my personal and corporate tax returns. I have to tell you, so much stress was lifted off my shoulders when I discovered that I didn’t have to pay nearly as much as I thought I would. In fact I don’t think I realized how much stress it was actually putting on me for the last few months, because I relaxed immediately after finding out how minimal the damage was. Sometimes you don’t realize how unhappy you are about something until you experience the rebound happiness that comes from having the situation fully resolved.

It reminded me of a time earlier in the week when I saw a sad look on Anthony’s face. I noticed him looking at something at Downtown Disney, and knew that he was distressed about some of his own financial troubles. I wanted to tell him that it’s just money, and he shouldn’t worry about it so much. It will more than likely resolve itself far faster than he thinks. I didn’t tell him anything, because I didn’t want to upset him further. And I waited until he told me about later until I said something.

So today I started thinking about how much all of our troubles really are just temporary.

I’d like to brag about how I know this for sure because I’m older than you, or wiser than you, or that I’m smarter than you because I’ve just figured out this realization out on my own. But none of those things are true…I’m thinking about this right now because of how ridiculously happy I am with my life!

Synchronicity, not to be denied, has once again demanded some attention from me. This time, an interesting concept involving introspection and the slippery nature of emotional experience.

Probably more than anyone else, I like to analyze things. I mean I really like to analyze them…thoughts, feelings, motives, people, science, anything really.

If you share my fascination with this, you have also probably noticed that things sometimes tend to disappear after a considerable amount of analysis. Especially after looking at your own emotions, you might find that they are gone by the time you get close enough to figuring them out. Well, they’re still there…they just cleverly evade study.

This is how I can tell that I’m experiencing real human emotion, and not some compulsive self-rationalization. Real emotions disappear almost completely when you start to dissect them, while logical reasoning simply decomposes into its more palpable parts.

Could it be “real” love when we begin to tread into emotional territory that no longer seems to make any sense? I’m wondering because I’ve often questioned the validity of my feelings for another person, and that analysis could go on forever. But sometimes it feels like the reasons no longer matter, and like I could pretty much just surrender myself to whatever life has in store for me at the moment…and by “sometimes” I mean very rarely!

My natural inclination is to fight and not surrender that sort of control. Honestly I’ve always been afraid of getting hurt or disappointed - and I’m not just talking about dating, but also about friends and family and career. So rather than just laying all my feelings out on the line, I hide behind (what actually feels like a more natural) calculated emotional distance.

Maybe this is all important, maybe not. I don’t really care anymore.

Last Saturday and tonight were fun…hanging out with friends, talking, meeting new people, dancing, drinking, etc. That’s what I enjoy lately.When it comes to my personal life, sex hasn’t been anywhere near the top of my priority list for at least the last year or so. And that’s because I’m really looking for sort of a different connection. Sex eventually happens when a good intellectual connection has been made and chemistry is allowed to develop over some amount of time until it feels right. That could be one date or several (it’s usually at least a couple, but I don’t have a magic number).

But I am really very far from some of my friends who treat sex like more of a game of conquest (or even an idle hobby) than anything else. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually knows how to make true friends anymore, and for good reason. In their defense though, I was the same way when I was younger…and I think it’s just something you grow tired of when you start to see something more important missing from your life. When you’re young you should have (somewhat responsible) fun and explore the terrain, and not be in a hurry to grow up. When some people get older they may want something a little more stable and fulfilling.

I was talking to one of my friends tonight about the upcoming cruise (my goings on about the cruise are far from over), and they asked if I bought all of my condoms, etc. for the trip. My answer was no, because I really don’t plan to take part in any of that on the cruise. (I believe I described it as a floating disease tank, ha.) I’m really just going to hang out with my friends and have a good time. Of course I’ll be prepared just in case, but it isn’t really something I’m going to spend much time thinking about.

Tonight drove this point home a little more for me because there was ample opportunity. There always is for gay men…give a reasonably attractive guy 5 minutes and he can hook up with someone else who’s reasonably attractive and have a reasonably good time. That part’s not a challenge.

The challenge is finding the infamous “love connection” and it’s something that can’t be planned or forced. You just have to be open to it and, I think, learn at least one lesson from every connection that doesn’t work out. Love should take practice too, right? Obviously staying at home isn’t going to get you anywhere, so you can make little choices here and there that make it more likely to happen.  Like going out where other people like you are likely to be, giving compliments where they’re deserved, being somewhat open minded and genuinely curious about others.

So there you have it. Love is missing and sex is not. And I’m tired so I’ll bid you adieu until next time. 

A few months after my last relationship ended, I found myself chatting on online dating sites to pass some of the time at night. The ultimate goal was to meet someone new to date, as I was not used to (or comfortable with) going to bars by myself. Funny thing happens when I’m in a relationship for awhile, I usually don’t make many new gay friends, or hold on to the ones that I’ve had. So here I was, with straight friends who were getting pretty sick and tired of going to Amsterdam and BS West with me!

I noticed, when chatting with people, that everyone would ask me if I was single. I thought, well of course I am, why does everyone ask that? Well I think I didn’t realize that, among other things such as text messaging, open relationships became a lot more popular while I was out of the dating pool. Or maybe I have just been a little too naive about it before, it doesn’t really matter at this point…

Since attendng a few circuit parties, I’m surprised at how many couples are there…not being exclusive with their intimacy. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the gay population, so this should not indicate a broader trend worth thinking about. Maybe so.

But since expanding my circle of gay friends, I’m also surprised at how many couples I either socialize with or meet locally that also do not practice much exclusivity. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the “coupled” population that still goes out to clubs and bars, and that surely the majority of couples are probably home enjoying a more traditional relationship.

But is that what I want?

Here’s my concern, that I’ve expressed before. I want a monogamous relationship, but I still want to go out to clubs and parties with that person. I really, honestly, can’t see giving up on going out and having a good time with drink and music and friends. I’m not what one of my friends calls a “dinner party gay” or what I have come to call a “board game and go to bed early gay.”

But I want a more traditional monogamous relationship, and sometimes I feel like those are going extinct. Like the stay at home mom…is it a dated idea?

Let me be clear for a moment. I do not think it’s appropriate or useful in any way to judge those who choose an open or “inviting” relationship. We are all working very hard for the political and social freedom to choose the types of relationships that we want, as part of the general gay rights movement, and it would be simply ridiculous to start judging our own for choosing an unconventional intimate arrangement. I’m all for it, and I say all the power to you if that’s what works best for you!

But, it’s not for me.

I’ve tried it before, with one of my first boyfriends when I was 25…someone who I still miss dearly. I think the arrangement may have even been partially for my benefit, as a way of getting around the idea that someone’s first relationship never lasts, because they have not been with many other people. Maybe the idea that I could get everything out of my system within the open confines of our relationship was a ploy to keep me longer term. But it didn’t work for me, and I was not comfortable enough with myself to be a tolerable boyfriend in that relationship. Ugh, how I so regret what he had to deal with.

I think it’s interesting how we all tend to define intimacy and love differently. Personally, sex is related to both for me. Sex isn’t love, but it’s one of it’s many expressions. Sex also isn’t intimacy, but it doesn’t usually happen without it. Sex also isn’t the only thing that separates friends from lovers, but it’s one of those things.

Others think about sex differently. It can be a physical activity, a vehicle for self validation, a compliment…or on the opposite side of the spectrum, it can be love itself. Or, a sin.

The point is that everyone places a different level of significance and value on various sexual and intimate activities, and after talking with one of my friends tonight we realized that those values can vary widely. For example, he told me about how he met a few different couples last weekend who had quite different rules about what they allowed each other to do in their relationship. One couple allowed all forms of sex with others except kissing. And another couple allowed everything with others except for intercouse.

This affects me in a couple different ways. One way that it affects me is that I have realized that, not only do I have to compete against every other single guy at a party or club for the attention of other singles, but I must also compete against a bunch of “taken” guys for the attention of the most eligible singles. These guys who are already in a relationship also tend not to disclose their status right away, so it is a little unfair of a situation. Whatever, not a huge deal. Selfish, maybe.

The other way it affects me is that guys I am interested in will often see the behavior of some of my friends and assume that I am also into open or inviting relationships. This turns them off, and they start asking a lot of probing questions. So I have to go into a whole explanation about how I am not like that and convince them that they can trust me. This has happened with 2 Mr. X’s recently, and one continues to ask for validation of my convictions.

Again, not a huge deal, and I think that anyone who takes some time to get to know me should not have any reason to worry. That is, if they are like me and not expecting and wanting the opposite - which is something I often worry about as well.

All I think I want to point out, at the end of this rant, is that the dating landcape is getting more and more complicated every day for gay men. For some reason everyone thinks that they have to completely reinvent the relationship, and that’s fine…except that I don’t, and think that my long standing ideal will eventually work out for me. Maybe in a way I’m just setting the record straight, and getting some frustration off my chest.

I’m back in Phoenix and happy to report that I just had probably the best weekend ever…in Orlando for One Mighty Weekend and Disney Gay Days.

To be really honest, last weekend was a bit of a test. I was considering retiring from the party scene for awhile. Why? Well that was my apprehension about not having goals and whatnot. I felt a little wary about continuing along this path if it was just going to continue to be more of the same. I figured that I have learned some things and improved myself at past events, and if I continued going to parties it would just be for purely hedonistic reasons.

Well that wasn’t the case, and this past weekend really showed me that there’s no limit to how much you can learn about yourself and others when you’re in this type of environment. Plus I’m really grateful for being able to spend some more bonding time with newer friends like Philip, Bernard, Kendall, Tony and Dallas Justin.

Don’t get me wrong, there was a fair bit of hedonism as well. Several of the 9 parties last weekend were just absolutely insane, and I never knew it was possible to have that much fun!

The desire to spend time with ‘people who are like you’ is strong and necessary for every gay man and woman. And after you jump into that sea of acceptance, joy and love…you come out of it, at the same time, both less and more of the person you once were.

Coming back home from a circuit party is a harsh transition from a created Utopia to the real world, where this acceptance and love can be hard to find. We have very real enemies here…and most of you who read this allow it to continue. Luckily, we come back stronger every time with less fear and more confidence in the people that we are and can be. And even if we get only a glimpse of the glory that’s possible in life, it’s a glimpse nonetheless, and that’s something.

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Love is in the air this spring, and as I look around I see so many cherished friends who are either beginning new relationships or strengthening the ones they have. Whether it’s getting to know someone new, getting reaquainted with someone old, or making commitments you never thought possible…you are an inspiration that hasn’t gone unnoticed.

I know that some of you are struggling with letting go. Reconciling old feelings is a painful thing to do, but it is a prerequisite for accepting new love into your life. Take every loss and weave it into what’s next in store for you…I do not believe our experiences are purely random, and neither do you.

Cheers, and may new love forever make you stronger and happier!