Jerry Timms

I have to get back to work in a bit, but I wanted to take a few minutes to write a few words down since it’s been awhile since I’ve written about anything substantial. I’m going to write about Mr. X again because things are going really well there.

Interestingly, two weekends ago I went to San Diego with Rich, Justin and Miguel, and was considering not dating him any longer when I got back. The reason was because we went to dinner the previous Thursday, and there was quite a bit of awkward silence during our date. Well, I sort of freaked out because I was worried that maybe we didn’t have enough in common to make this last.

I talked to Rich about it, and it was funny because he just sort of chuckled and said, “Oh yeah, the same exact thing happened on one of my first dates with Justin. I totally know where you’re at right now!” Rich and Justin have been together now for about 7 years.

At first I was confused by his response, especially the I totally know where you’re at right now part. Until I read between the lines. He was telling me that I’m freaking out because of my insecurity about the age difference (Rich and Justin have the exact same difference in age between them as we do). And sometimes an awkward silence is just an awkward silence. Hmm, I decided to give this another go.

Well I’m definitely glad I did, because after that weekend Mr. X totally opened up - as did I - and I like him more and more, and things get better and better every time I see him. Usually I’m afraid that the bad qualities of whomever I’m dating will rub off on me, but as I get to know more about Mr. X I hope that all of his qualities do.

None of my friends have been around the last few weekends, so I’ve kind of just been doing my own thing lately. This has been great because it’s given me a chance to sort of feel my way around some new scenes.

So, I was at a party two weekends ago and the cuter, younger crowd reminded me of one of my friends. So I decided to call him and we hung out for awhile. Since then we’ve been spending most of our free time together, and he shall now be referred to as Mr. X…

But let’s back up a bit. A few months ago Rich and I were talking about boyfriends, and about how I was disappointed over someone or another (I honestly can’t remember who we were talking about at the moment). Rich told me something that really stuck with me ever since. He said that I would probably end up with someone I least expect. I thought this was odd, because I’ve always prided myself in knowing exactly what I want. So how could I end up with someone I least expect?

Last weekend I was out with Mr. X, and I kept expecting to find something wrong with him - or at the very least something that might prove that we didn’t have enough in common, or that he was in some other way not a good fit for me. But, that didn’t happen and I really enjoyed every moment with him, and felt so at ease and happy to be around him.

What’s really interesting about all this is how much I’ve learned about myself in the last couple weeks. Mr. X is not my typical “type” and is so much the opposite of this that I even found it a little awkward to talk about him to Jerry. I thought Jerry might think I’m crazy for pursuing this. But what’s crazy is that Mr. X has managed to show me in just a couple weeks that I may have been totally wrong about what I’ve been looking for.

I’ve typically been looking for someone my age or older, preppy and successful (with career, finances, etc.). However, I’m usually disappointed with guys because they end up being either boring, emotionally unavailable or unexpressive, romantically scarred, too busy to be bothered with dating…or some combination of two or more of those attributes.

I think I got it into my head a long time ago that I was only interested in older guys because I was generally way ahead of most of my peer group in terms of career, home and other life stages. After dating some guys who were rather flaky and emotionally immature I decided that my odds of finding someone more compatible with me would be higher if I limited myself to an older age group.

From there followed the bulk of my dating history which included guys who were so busy (the lawyers were the worst about this) that they could barely be bothered to go on a proper date or stay up past ten o’clock at night, guys who were so uptight with social anxiety that they couldn’t be in a crowd larger than a dozen people, and guys who were so romantically and emotionally injured from past relationships that they could never have committed to anything more than tenuous dating. Not all of them were like this, sometimes things just didn’t click fully into place.

Well, I’ve met someone who is none of these things. I can look in his eyes and tell that although he’s had some disappointments, he hasn’t given up. He likes to go out and have fun like I do. He hasn’t determined the rest of his life so rigidly that it’s going to be impossible to figure out how to fit me into it. And when he kept our first date even though he actually had strep throat, but didn’t want to cancel…well, he pretty much had me there. And with his edge and emotional depth that I find so incredibly sexy, I can’t keep my hands off him when he’s around me. If this works out to be a long term thing then you’ll meet him!

So there you go, as you can tell I’m gushing over this guy right now. I haven’t taken leave of my senses…I know it’s only been a couple weeks. Although I can tell you that I’m very excited because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt this way and learned so much about myself before. Those flashing lights come from everywhere. I’m in a little bit of a haze because everything I thought I knew about my romantic future has been swept away, and now I’m just watching to see how things unfold from here.

Last night I went with some friends to the Crush party at the Area Phoenix event space. Gabriel & Dresden were the headlining DJs, and what really made it interesting was that it was primarily a hetero event and crowd. I thought it would be a mixed crowd judging by the Myspace event RSVPs, but it really wasn’t an even mix and I only saw a few gays that I could identify or recognize - not counting the multitudes that were metro-ambiguous.

My overall impression? I think it was the Phoenix party of the entire last year and I’m pretty excited to have found a new scene to explore further. It was honestly the closest thing to a circuit party that I’ve attended in Phoenix, which is an odd review to give since it wasn’t a gay event. The party went from 9pm to 5am, and Gabriel & Dresden sounded very close to Rosabel during their afterhours mix. There was fantastic lighting, Party Monster type club kids, ravers, and just a lot of your regular clubbers. The entire thing had a great vibe and left me with some very intriguing observations and thoughts.

Gay circuit parties are essentially all about celebrating our solidarity and pride in being gay. For one weekend we celebrate our sameness, display our pride and intention of exploring our full potential as gay men, and show that we know how to live fabulous and throw one hell of a party in the process.

Last night, although very similar in feeling and function to a circuit party (or at least one event in a circuit weekend), was actually about something else and somewhat opposite. It was all about rejecting labels and celebrating the fact that everyone can have different sexuality and motives and still throw one hell of a party together. Remember the old rave culture adage PLUR? Peace, love, unity and respect. It’s about celebrating and encouraging diversity; not sameness.

It couldn’t have been more obvious than when Mr. X and I were outside on the patio talking very close with his arm around me (we were being obviously gay, for lack of a better description), and a straight guy came up and chatted with us about the night and introduced himself to us. He, along with many others over the course of the evening, just really didn’t seem to give a crap what our sexuality was. To be fair, they were all pretty young and so maybe this is the emergence of a new generation that has transcended beyond mere tolerance. But this is really the goal, right? Integration seems not only somewhat inevitable, but desirable. For a night we won, and I couldn’t help but to smile a little at getting a peak of what this would feel like.

So, I don’t know how much further I want to go with this…I just thought that something seemed to tap me on the shoulder last night and tell me to pay attention to the difference for an evening.

My weekly Sunday ritual for the past several months has been an afternoon trip to Scottsdale Fashion Square mall. Sundays have always been so blah for me, and I think what I like most about my mall trips is to have something predictable and relaxing to look forward to. I like to watch people at the mall, get a little light exercise, and do some casual shopping.

Today was no exception as I set out to the mall with a mission, which was to buy just a few quality basics. One of my main goals lately is to scale back on the quantity of things in my life, and instead focus on owning a few select quality items. So at Nordstrom I bought a brown Hugo Boss polo and white button down, and at Banana Republic I bought a black crew and beige v-neck T-shirts.

Also at Banana, I bought two scented candles, which I just lit before sitting down to write. They were a bit on the expensive side, but I have always loved the intense fragrances that they use in their candles. Just one of these glass jar candles can quickly fill your whole house with its exotic aroma. I bought two “Tea Leaves” scented candles in green glass jars to place on the mahogany shelves I recently added to the structural columns in my living room. The manufacturer must use similar base notes in many of their fragrances, because this one reminded me of another candle I bought a long time ago.

The first candle I ever bought at Banana was called “Night Air.” I enjoyed it so much that I returned to the store to buy the home fragrance spray. It came in a small glass spray bottle, filled with lavender tinted liquid. It’s impossible for me to describe to you what it smelled like, because I have never smelled anything like it.

It was the year 2000 and I was living in an apartment on my own in Tempe. I had been out of college a little over a year, and was working as a business analyst for Intel. Although my corporate job was somewhat stressful I was still enjoying my new income, which was unusually high for a recent college graduate. The dot-com boom was still booming, and things were all very new and exciting. I worked on projects for Intel’s new web hosting division and also dabbled quite a bit in web design. The internet was practically the center of the universe for me. I also wasn’t out yet to my friends or family, so I only met other guys online - AOL to be exact.

I took a chance one evening and met a guy without seeing his picture first. I was glad I did, because he turned out to be gorgeous and intelligent…and I started seeing him fairly often for the next several months. It was sometimes difficult to make sure my friends never came over when he was there, or to make sure I had a proper excuse for not wanting to go out with them when I really wanted to spend the evening with my secret boyfriend. But it all worked, somehow.

I believe it was the stress of balancing this secret life that kept me smoking at the time. And although he knew that I smoked, he didn’t like the smell. So every evening before he came over I would spray the living room with “Night Air” and light a candle. It was also around this time that I developed a compulsive need to shower and brush my teeth before seeing him, or anyone else for that matter. But all my preparations seemed to do the trick, and these evenings continued for what would be some of the most passionate months of my life.

I remember falling asleep with him more than once to awaken to Listerine on my lips, Hugo cologne on his body and Dolce & Gabbana on mine, and “Night Air” on the couch pillow we were sharing…all, it seems, being inextricably linked with our lust.

“Tea Leaves” are not the same as “Night Air.” But as I sit here, drawing in and savoring the new fragrance, I can’t help but to smile at how similar they could be.

This afternoon I found a great little cafe downtown where I can eat lunch and work via the free wi-fi. I’m still there actually, taking a little break from work. Found during a First Friday walk with friends, it’s tucked away far enough behind some active light rail construction that I doubt many people know it’s here. But I’m not saying where it is!

It’s funny, because there are about 5 of us here working, and it feels as though we’re all sharing a secret…the perfect work cafe. The wireless is free, the sandwiches and coffee are good and served with a smile (by a barista who has been working here a little over a year and not surprised I have not seen this place before), and the tables are all near electrical outlets and perfect for working remotely. Various art and tchotchkes abound to give it a funky urban feel without being annoying, and it doesn’t completely reek of roasted coffee like Coffee Plantation or Starbucks. The coffee smells can be cute at first. But as I have learned, 4-5 hours of working in the confines of the coffee cloud permeates your clothing (and car, house, etc.) to the point of absurdity.

Now that’s all fine and good…I found yet another place to work. But what’s interesting is the light rail construction that is frantically happening literally 3 feet from the windows here. Heavy machinery is digging trenches, workers are pouring and smoothing concrete, half built steel shade structures loom ominously over piles of dirt and rows of barricades.

Now, the barista is standing in front of the register, anticipated arms resting on the counter to each side of him, and he’s staring off into the distance beyond the windows. But, he isn’t looking at the construction…he’s waiting for the day that downtown Phoenix reaches a little more of its full potential. When crowds of pedestrians pour in and out of this cafe on their way to, or back from someplace. When the trains whisk back and forth on their predictable schedule. When things get a little more energetic and exciting.

All of us here know it’s coming, and can take some pride in knowing that being part of this urban creative class will eventually bring its rewards. The knowledge that something will get fantastically better with time, but that the time requirement cannot be completely avoided, is a frustrating but necessary part of life. The eager anticipation is now more tangible than ever…so close.

So speaking of work, my client requested some custom online financial reports several weeks ago. Rich, who works as a database consultant for the same client, worked with him on creating those reports. Our client came up with several types of criteria that he wanted to choose from when viewing those reports online…such as campaign data that had a certain amount of ad spend, or a certain amount of ad impressions, etc. He thought that if he could choose the exact criteria that he wanted to see in the online report, each time he ran a report on this particular reporting website, then he wouldn’t waste time by having to look at data he wasn’t interested in at the time.

He kept calling these sets of custom criteria “rules.” He even wanted to name them rule 1, rule 2, rule 3, etc. I don’t want to get too deep into this story, but understand that Rich and I kept getting confused because in the IT world these aren’t called rules, it would be more accurate to call them queries - or a form of sorting criteria. Once we decided to stop thinking of them as rules, even though our client insisted on forever calling them that, things made a little more sense to us and we could move forward on the project.

I know…blah blah database, blah queries, data blah. Well, for the last few days I’ve been thinking about the difference between rules and sorting criteria. Why? Because I’ve met someone I’m interested in, and it’s always an interesting process I go through after meeting someone new trying to figure out my feelings about them. It’s too early to try to predict how things will go with this new Mr. X, but so far I can at least tell that I like him. I’m a really analytical guy, so I usually try to put my emotions aside and try to determine if my feelings meet some standard set of objective tests. Yeah, I’m crazy.

Now don’t pretend like you don’t have a bunch of crazy ass tests you put your dates through, because I know you do! I have a ton of them. But it’s been awhile since anyone has passed some of the initial ones. Like…

The memorability test
It’s easy to have nice thoughts about your date when they are right in front of your face, or immediately before or after the date. But, do you think about them throughout the rest of the day or week? I have met some really great guys who I thought met all of my expectations and requirements, but I would completely forget about them a few hours or days after the date. Sometimes my friends would even ask me how my date went, and I would really have to think about it for a second because I forgot! If I find myself thinking about the person throughout various times of the day, and especially if I continually think of stories I want to tell him when I see him next, then I know it’s more than just casual interest.

The compliment test
I hate giving complements. Just ask any of my friends, they hardly ever get any from me…and if I do give them out I’m rarely ever able to keep a straight face while doing so, or able to avoid turning them into a sarcastic joke of some sort. And if a guy is hot, it really pains me to give him a compliment. I can just visualize his head getting bigger by the second, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to contribute to that! However if I find myself unable to fight the urge to hand out a compliment, and compliment a date on his looks…well, that’s something.

There are probably dozens more of these that I could write about. There are also the standard tests of intellect, emotional intelligence, culture, style, ambition, ability, health, wealth, etc. I’m not going to give away all my secrets here! But none of these are rules, because to me that would imply a strict exclusion if any of them weren’t met. I prefer sorting criteria because they really just focus my attention on those who hold the best possibility for being a good match.

Of course, this is all just an attempt to try to quantify the intangible qualities of others that draw us to them. What makes someone more memorable than someone else, even when all factors are seemingly equal? I’m not sure yet but it’s nice to find someone who has those elusive attributes, whatever they are.

Ok, now your turn. If you’re reading this, tell me what some of your compatibility tests are!

I got back from my vacation on Sunday night, and I have to tell you that I had so much fun I almost don’t even want to talk about it. I’ll share some stories and pictures later on after I’ve recovered from last week and the cold I seem to be coming down with today. But, I’ll leave this thought.

There are so many intangible things that we want out of life. It’s difficult and sometimes impossible to describe the experiences we’re looking for, but recognizing them when we have them couldn’t be easier. And arriving at some of those perfect moments is what I suppose makes this all worth the effort.

Welcome back! I’ve only been gone a little over a week, but a lot has happened since we last left off. The most obvious change is the new website, and I’m really excited to have a new site I can grow into with new sections of content.

The Governors Mansion has been put up for sale. I’ve had an itch lately to move closer downtown where I can walk places and catch the light rail that’s happening soon in Phoenix, so I decided to take some of my own advice and stop thinking about it and just do it (you’ll realize the irony of this later). I’ve already settled on a building downtown, so now it’s just a matter of passing this gorgeous house to one lucky buyer stalker.

I’ve almost completed week three of my personal training “body transformation” program, and happy to report that I’m seeing some really good results. While the diet and meal logging, cardio and intense workout sessions have been a little inconvenient during the last few busy weeks, it’s been well worth it and I’m sleeping better and feeling good.

The diet is interesting, because it actually feels like too much food. I have to eat 6 times a day, which is hard to always remember, and I’m not even really that hungry throughout the day. Especially in the morning, when I choke down like 6 eggs plus something else that’s gonna fill my calorie requirements. And then eat 2 hours later, ha. But the end result is that even though I’m not realy trying to lose “weight” (I’m only trying to build muscle), I have actually lost 7 pounds.

I went to see Mama Mia tonight with Jerry and Melanie, Jason and Steve. Jerry and I agreed that the music was pretty good, although the story line was a bit too melodramatic for our tastes (again with the irony). But of course I realized how much I really love some of these ABBA songs, and this brought back some memories from the White Party.

When you’re gone, how can I even try to go on?

Last night was a bit of a tumultuous evening.

Chapter 5 has been the time of my life! But it’s also been emotionally difficult for me in the realms of new love, cultivating new friends, and self-discovery. This has all been explained in excruciating detail, although much of that seemed to unravel for me last night. There was the not-so-subtle signal from Mr. X that I need to move on, the recently disrupted harmony of new friendships, and the surprising way in which it all has affected me.

So after transforming into a spectacular pile of emotional garbage in the bathroom stall at Burn (yeah I know, classy), I was fully ready to swear off blogging and any further examination of these oddities you humans call “feelings.” At one point I remember thinking that I just couldn’t handle interpersonal relationships any longer, that too many of them for me lead to one disappointment after another. I was afraid that everything I had worked to build since last year was falling apart on multiple fronts.

And then, like that annoying narrator from The Wonder Years, the familiar calm and level-headed part of my intellect stepped in just long enough to tell me something. The chapter isn’t unravelling; the plot’s just thickening…

An anniversary is coming up for me in a couple days…a year since the worst day of my life. And some sage advice I received last year from a friend is just as relevant now, that a loss is not a loss if you allow the experience to weave itself into what’s next in store for you. And there is no doubt plenty in store!

So, I’m not giving up on the blog. I’m not giving up on my friendships. But I think I’m going to take a planned sabbatical from the blog for just a little while. An intermission of sorts. The rest of chapter 5 is still being written, and when it gets interesting again I’ll be back! The unexamined life may not be worth living, but I need a rest.

I haven’t written anything in a few days, and that’s because I’ve had a few new projects this week to keep me busy.

First, I’ve decided to hire a personal trainer for the next few months before the cruise in October. I’ve already had two training sessions this week, and I’ll be going for nutritional counseling tonight, and the third workout session of the week on Friday. Of course this is a bit of an extravegance, but the cruise is coming up soon and I just didn’t want to frack around and not get the best results I can get!

Second, I’ve decided to take the plunge and get my car fixed up. For awhile I’ve been hemming and hawing about whether or not I should get a new car, or spend the thousands of dollars required to fix some problems on my car - most notably the air conditioning.

You might ask yourself how I’ve been able to function so far in the Arizona summer without air conditioning, and my answer to that would be that I have avoided driving as much as possible during the day. I work from home, so most of the traveling I do is at night for social reasons or shopping and whatnot. It was never meant to be a long term plan, as I always kind of assumed I’d be getting a new car instead of wasting money on fixing the old car I have.

Well I’ve decided to make another large purchase instead of the car, something that will be an investment rather than an expense, and so that’s the decision that landed my car in the dealer this week - getting a new air conditioner that must apparently be gold-plated because it’s freaking expensive!

And last but not least, dinner with Mr. X last night that ended up being a really fun time. For some reason I was able to relax for once and be more of my normal self without slipping into deep thought the entire time. And Mr. X appeared more relaxed and happy, and I felt like we just sort of enjoyed each others’ company for awhile.