Jerry Timms

Last night was a bit of a tumultuous evening.

Chapter 5 has been the time of my life! But it’s also been emotionally difficult for me in the realms of new love, cultivating new friends, and self-discovery. This has all been explained in excruciating detail, although much of that seemed to unravel for me last night. There was the not-so-subtle signal from Mr. X that I need to move on, the recently disrupted harmony of new friendships, and the surprising way in which it all has affected me.

So after transforming into a spectacular pile of emotional garbage in the bathroom stall at Burn (yeah I know, classy), I was fully ready to swear off blogging and any further examination of these oddities you humans call “feelings.” At one point I remember thinking that I just couldn’t handle interpersonal relationships any longer, that too many of them for me lead to one disappointment after another. I was afraid that everything I had worked to build since last year was falling apart on multiple fronts.

And then, like that annoying narrator from The Wonder Years, the familiar calm and level-headed part of my intellect stepped in just long enough to tell me something. The chapter isn’t unravelling; the plot’s just thickening…

An anniversary is coming up for me in a couple days…a year since the worst day of my life. And some sage advice I received last year from a friend is just as relevant now, that a loss is not a loss if you allow the experience to weave itself into what’s next in store for you. And there is no doubt plenty in store!

So, I’m not giving up on the blog. I’m not giving up on my friendships. But I think I’m going to take a planned sabbatical from the blog for just a little while. An intermission of sorts. The rest of chapter 5 is still being written, and when it gets interesting again I’ll be back! The unexamined life may not be worth living, but I need a rest.

Today I’d like to write about a more emotional topic. I’m sitting here getting ready to get some work done, but there’s something that was weighing heavily on my mind that I want to put out there…

After all the progress I think I’ve made this past year connecting with my emotions and working on interpersonal relationships, I think there’s still quite a bit of the “robot” still in me. Before I was out to my friends, they used to call me “The Robot” because I hardly ever expressed emotion and had seemingly no interest in dating and whatnot. They could always count on me for a strictly objective piece of advice, I was almost cold…

After coming out to everyone (when I was 25) I broke out of my shell a little and shared significantly more of my life with my friends, and a few years later with my family. This last year I decided it was time to work on things again. I wasn’t happy and I just felt like I was wandering aimlessly through a life devoid of any substantial personal growth.

That personal growth is happening again, and I’m having the time of my life! My old friendships are stronger, and some strong newer friendships have developed. But there are still a lot of challenges for me, especially with my dating and intimate life. I have the hardest time expressing emotion when it comes to love and interest. That will improve soon, as I’ve renewed my commitment to be completely honest about my feelings in that area.

So, I’ve told somebody something just now, and it’s interesting how a simple sentence can take such a huge weight off your shoulders. It goes where it goes.

A few months after my last relationship ended, I found myself chatting on online dating sites to pass some of the time at night. The ultimate goal was to meet someone new to date, as I was not used to (or comfortable with) going to bars by myself. Funny thing happens when I’m in a relationship for awhile, I usually don’t make many new gay friends, or hold on to the ones that I’ve had. So here I was, with straight friends who were getting pretty sick and tired of going to Amsterdam and BS West with me!

I noticed, when chatting with people, that everyone would ask me if I was single. I thought, well of course I am, why does everyone ask that? Well I think I didn’t realize that, among other things such as text messaging, open relationships became a lot more popular while I was out of the dating pool. Or maybe I have just been a little too naive about it before, it doesn’t really matter at this point…

Since attendng a few circuit parties, I’m surprised at how many couples are there…not being exclusive with their intimacy. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the gay population, so this should not indicate a broader trend worth thinking about. Maybe so.

But since expanding my circle of gay friends, I’m also surprised at how many couples I either socialize with or meet locally that also do not practice much exclusivity. I tell myself that I’m looking at only a small subset of the “coupled” population that still goes out to clubs and bars, and that surely the majority of couples are probably home enjoying a more traditional relationship.

But is that what I want?

Here’s my concern, that I’ve expressed before. I want a monogamous relationship, but I still want to go out to clubs and parties with that person. I really, honestly, can’t see giving up on going out and having a good time with drink and music and friends. I’m not what one of my friends calls a “dinner party gay” or what I have come to call a “board game and go to bed early gay.”

But I want a more traditional monogamous relationship, and sometimes I feel like those are going extinct. Like the stay at home mom…is it a dated idea?

Let me be clear for a moment. I do not think it’s appropriate or useful in any way to judge those who choose an open or “inviting” relationship. We are all working very hard for the political and social freedom to choose the types of relationships that we want, as part of the general gay rights movement, and it would be simply ridiculous to start judging our own for choosing an unconventional intimate arrangement. I’m all for it, and I say all the power to you if that’s what works best for you!

But, it’s not for me.

I’ve tried it before, with one of my first boyfriends when I was 25…someone who I still miss dearly. I think the arrangement may have even been partially for my benefit, as a way of getting around the idea that someone’s first relationship never lasts, because they have not been with many other people. Maybe the idea that I could get everything out of my system within the open confines of our relationship was a ploy to keep me longer term. But it didn’t work for me, and I was not comfortable enough with myself to be a tolerable boyfriend in that relationship. Ugh, how I so regret what he had to deal with.

I think it’s interesting how we all tend to define intimacy and love differently. Personally, sex is related to both for me. Sex isn’t love, but it’s one of it’s many expressions. Sex also isn’t intimacy, but it doesn’t usually happen without it. Sex also isn’t the only thing that separates friends from lovers, but it’s one of those things.

Others think about sex differently. It can be a physical activity, a vehicle for self validation, a compliment…or on the opposite side of the spectrum, it can be love itself. Or, a sin.

The point is that everyone places a different level of significance and value on various sexual and intimate activities, and after talking with one of my friends tonight we realized that those values can vary widely. For example, he told me about how he met a few different couples last weekend who had quite different rules about what they allowed each other to do in their relationship. One couple allowed all forms of sex with others except kissing. And another couple allowed everything with others except for intercouse.

This affects me in a couple different ways. One way that it affects me is that I have realized that, not only do I have to compete against every other single guy at a party or club for the attention of other singles, but I must also compete against a bunch of “taken” guys for the attention of the most eligible singles. These guys who are already in a relationship also tend not to disclose their status right away, so it is a little unfair of a situation. Whatever, not a huge deal. Selfish, maybe.

The other way it affects me is that guys I am interested in will often see the behavior of some of my friends and assume that I am also into open or inviting relationships. This turns them off, and they start asking a lot of probing questions. So I have to go into a whole explanation about how I am not like that and convince them that they can trust me. This has happened with 2 Mr. X’s recently, and one continues to ask for validation of my convictions.

Again, not a huge deal, and I think that anyone who takes some time to get to know me should not have any reason to worry. That is, if they are like me and not expecting and wanting the opposite - which is something I often worry about as well.

All I think I want to point out, at the end of this rant, is that the dating landcape is getting more and more complicated every day for gay men. For some reason everyone thinks that they have to completely reinvent the relationship, and that’s fine…except that I don’t, and think that my long standing ideal will eventually work out for me. Maybe in a way I’m just setting the record straight, and getting some frustration off my chest.

I’m trying right now to wind down for bed, because I have a flight tomorrow morning at the ungodly 8 o’clock hour. We’re headed to Orlando for One Mighty Weekend, which will likely prove to be the mother of all parties so far for me this year.

I have to be honest, I’m really apprehensive about this weekend. Why? Well, I was talking to Mr. X about this tonight, and I’m a little concerned that I don’t have any goals set for this weekend. All of my previous party trips have had personal goals…and I have meditated heavily on them, and achieved new levels of personal understanding and achievement. Nothing huge, just those little goals that you set for yourself now and then to help yourself along the greater path. Those goals are personal.

This weekend, I’m at a loss for what I’m trying to achieve. The obvious answer would be…Jesus, Jerry, just have fun and relax. Well, those who really know me should know that I don’t really ever do that! I’m really obsessed with everything having meaning. Nothing with me is ever just what it is, it’s always something more. I’ve never done something and just given up all control of it, and just let it be what it’s going to be.

Ah, ok…

Wow, so I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. I’ve been putting it off, and that’s a bad habit to get into! But just to give you a warning, I’m in a little bit of a complaining mood…

So to catch all my friends stalkers up, I’ve been sick for the last few days. I’m not sure what it is, but it’s more like a cold than anything, and I think it’s getting better today so I’m just gonna wait it out I think. Honestly, I love the friendly goodbye kiss thing, but I may have to start enforcing a no-kiss rule! I think working at home has weakened my immune system…I’m just not exposed to very many people anymore.

Last Thursday was Dining Our For Life. We went to Cibo in Phoenix, and I really liked the antipasto and sandwich. We planned on having pizza, but the pizza chef had to leave at the last minute to attend to his wife’s childbirth. Then we thought we’d break out of our mold and check out a few other bars - like Apollo’s which was tiny and had some drag queen shouting incessantly into a mic, and Cruisin 7th which promised strippers who basically hid in the laps of old men all night while the bartender made odd gestures at me with his elbow.

Saturday was…you guessed it, Burn, and then to Charlie’s where I’m now convinced an evil vortex awaits me every time.

Dating sucks, and that’s about all I have to say about that. Actually, no I do have more to say about that….but, another time.

Today wrapped up 2 days of house painting at the Governor’s mansion, and things look really good…except it cost way more than I thought it would, so I was pretty disappointed with the project.

I am actually not that surprised that things haven’t been working out so well for me lately, as I have often swung back and forth between good times and bad…it’s just sort of the way things always are for me. So when things get to be like they are now I typically just try to lay low and get all my thoughts together, fix the problems that surface, and decide what I really want/need. I’m at a bit of a loss right now as far as what I want, so maybe that’s part of the problem.

I installed some floating shelves in my bedroom, which was no small feat because there are only about 2 walls in my entire house that are real walls. The rest of the walls are thick adobe, and it’s pretty much impossible to hang anything heavy on them…the walls are literally over a foot thick of solid dirt. Weird, because my house doesn’t look adobe, but I guess it is. So I actually partially rearranged my room so that I could hang these shelves on the “drywall” wall, with the proper wall anchors.

I potted some tiny banana trees in small white pots, and placed them on the shelves thinking they’d be ok. Honestly, they looked gorgeous! Well, I should have known something was wrong with the third shelf as I was installing it, because one of the wall anchors cracked the drywall and it didn’t feel 100% sturdy.

Yesterday afternoon was a fantastic lunch with Mr. X, and last night I had a great time with Mark and Andrea, Rich and Justin, neighbor Phil, Nathan and Brian, and Rusty. But when I got home last night, what did I find in my bedroom? A disturbing scene of broken glass, broken white pot, ripped up drywall, and a disempotted banana tree laying on the floor like it was gasping for moisture…dirt everywhere. That’s right, the third shelf didn’t hold up. So this afternoon I’m gradually cleaning up the mess, fixing the drywall, and luckily I was able to save the banana tree by planting it in the front yard just outside the front door.

My point? I’m not so sure I want to move to L.A. anymore.

Sometimes I think people get so busy, or so wrapped up in their own intentions, that they loose sight of the things they already have around them. I’m slowly realizing that I haven’t been paying attention to the love that’s around me from friends and family. But, I’m getting better at it…and I’m finding that love exists in places that I never expected, and in places where I thought it wasn’t very strong. And sometimes in places that I never thought possible.

I don’t think that we can find this love unless we’re open to it. For so long I tried to define criteria for it, or definitions of it…but really all it takes is finally being in a position to want it and receive it, and then you know it’s there. I’ve heard people say that they need to achieve certain goals, improve themselves in different ways or whatever before they want to date or have more friends. But those are really just all excuses. All you need to do is want it and believe that you deserve it, and it’s there.

That’s all, just something to think about.

Most of you are probably going to actually find this post really boring. But, this is my online journal and things have felt so hectic lately that i just wanted to take a few minutes to get some thoughts down.

So, I will be in Palm Springs this weekend for the White Party. I am really excited for it, and I’ve also really enjoyed the time leading up to this point. My friends and I have actually used the preparation for this event as a sort of bonding activity in itself. Talking about workouts, our diets, how much weight we’ve lost, what we’re going to wear to the different theme parties, the songs we hope to hear, etc. So, if it seems like I’ve been talking about the White Party an awful lot, it’s because the White Party actually started for me awhile ago, when I first decided to go. Does that make sense? Anyway…

I’ve been going crazy redecorating my house for the last week or so…and it’s looking pretty cool. I set up a new poolside area to work from, added some furniture to the living room and bedroom, and reorganized several areas of the house.

For me, this is always a sure sign that something is wrong. I knew a few days ago that something was brewing, but I decided I would go with the flow and get these therapy projects underway…the answers come in time, right? Now that I feel like I have things worked out (or at least properly identified), I’m actually really glad that the party is this weekend so that I can have fun and get in a better mood.

I don’t really know how to describe my mood lately other than just a little touch of loneliness. I’ve been having a great time hanging out with friends, but the fact remains that nearly all of them are in relationships of some sort…and part of me does miss that. Part of this is also the fact that I work from home, and I think that being by oneself for extended periods of time can make one go a little nuts Time starts to blur a little…and like last week for me, you can suddenly realize that you’re not even paying attention to things anymore like how your house looks.

I think things kind of came to a head today, as I ended up chatting with my ex and he told me that he has a new boyfriend. Of course I’m happy for him, and I had a hunch anyway that he did. But then again I have those normal jealous feelings that he has moved into a new relationship and I’m not able to get past a first or second date with someone. The rational part of me says that this is a good thing, because it means I’m being selective, and that it’s really better in the long run not to settle. But on the other hand, the emotional part of me wants that perfect match to be made soon

I don’t want to give you the impression that I’m pining away for a boyfriend, because that isn’t the case at all. My life is actually at its most perfect point ever right now. I think I just hit a normal bump on the emotional road, and spent a little more time than normal this week thinking about relationships, and about things that are not currently part of my life. I see this as a good sign, because I think that when you achieve certain levels of perfection and success, you just continue to crave even more.

Likely a testament to how hard I’ve been working out lately, tonight I simply craved the thickest and rarest steak I could get my hands on. I interpreted this as a sign that my body needed protein for some serious muscle building, so I gave in and headed to Safeway where I bought a couple choice top sirloins. I threw one on the grill, but only for long enough to get it warm and juicy.

Exquisite…lemon flakes performed admirably (as they always do) as I sliced and stabbed my way to heaven. Rare, soft and juicy, and just perfect. A perfect finish to my evening of running a mile and working out in the gym.

I’ve been working out fairly regularly for about 6 weeks now. I’m starting to see some real results, and it has me excited since I think I may be in the best shape I’ve been in for a few years. That’s both physically and mentally. Funny how both efforts have been actually very closely tied together.

Working out with Jerry and Daren has been really fun…and there’s actually a lot more involved to our evenings than just the workouts. We’ll also often go out to a bar or two afterward (or hang out at Jerry’s loft), drink some beer, and hang out and bs with one another. Steve also started hanging out with us, and we always have a good time. Talk about dates, significant others, work, etc. Jerry describes this as his new fraternity, and that’s a fairly accurate description of how it feels.

Hanging out with Rich, Justin, Philip and Bernard is a very similar fraternal part of my life lately. I am impressed, and humbled, by what strong bonds exist within this circle. And deciding to do some of the party curcuit with them this year is what’s motivating me to stick with those workouts, stick to my diet, and what had motivated me last year to finally give up smoking.

I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but I know my goals are achievable and right around the corner. So, cheers to all of you that help. My shoulders are looking better, but what’s on top of them is feeling pretty good, too.

I’m blogging from the airport right now. Even though I got to the airport with about 45 minutes to spare, I ended up missing my flight due to a slow bag check counter and an irritating security check line. Regretfully I had to call Rich to tell him I’m going to be about 2 hours later than planned…but you know what? This is pretty fun, and I’ll tell you why.

Flight delay time is “found” time, and it’s one of the few instances in life where we actually get time to spend however we want, by ourselves, with no responsibilities other than to wait for the time to pass. You can choose to be productive (work), introspective (like blogging or listening to music), a flirt (plenty of gorgeous people to cruise at the airport), a pig (pizza hut and cinnabun, ha), or just to do nothing at all - and stare blankly into space until enough time has passed to start boarding. But the really great part of all this is that what you do is a secret. Odds are slim you’ll run into anybody you know behind the great security checkpoint. Even now, I could tell you anything I wanted about the time I’m spending before my flight, and you would have no way of verifying any of it.

The airport has a sneaky way of stripping you of parts of your identity. I feel like I have no home at all…I’m leaving Phoenix, so I have very little attachment to it right now, and I certainly won’t be at my final destination for a few hours still. I’m in a bit of blissful purgatory, leaving behind all responsibilities in place of new possibilities. I’m seeing it on the others’ faces…they are enjoying this, too. In the meantime, all I have to do is wait for 8:35 to arrive.